10 Ways To Lose Weight While Maintaining Your Manhood

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Add fat acceptance to the long list of things people my age believe that pisses me off, right below “Civics should be louder” and a spot above “EDM is music.” Big isn’t beautiful and dad bodies, contrary to popular opinion, are NOT in. Don’t be overweight, you fat fuck. I realize that dieting can be seen as emasculating and some will say it’s unnecessary if you get enough exercise. For everyone else with enough common sense to admit you need a healthy diet, paired with exercise, to lose weight and maintain a good physique, here are ten ways to accomplish this without everyone thinking you’re a little bitch.

10. Order The Hot Wings

When you’re out with buddies at the bar and they want to order a pizza, suggest wings instead. Most restaurants don’t make their own hot sauce, but it’s still usually lower in carbs and sugar, compared to sweet and sour, barbeque and General Tso’s sauces. For a masculinity boost, order them extra hot.

9. Do Yard Work If You Can’t Make The Gym

Sometimes working in the yard is almost as strenuous as lifting. Cut grass on your rest days and spend some time preening hedges if the gym closes before your last class ends. While you shouldn’t be a bitch and skip the gym if you can help it, a mountain of yard work is a convenient excuse to stay home.

8. Take More Shots

Straight liquor has no carbs, sugar, fat or sodium. If you’re still watching your intake, take in more shots and no one will accuse you of being a bitch. If you have a couple extra bucks, buy a round of shots and the bar patrons will love you. Just avoid mixed shots and liqueurs.

7. Do NOT Go Vegetarian Or Vegan

Pay no mind to what the guy at the book store says about the meat industry: You’ll look like a bitch if you cut meat out of your diet. While I encourage you to eat salads in the privacy of your apartment, everyone will think you’re a massive bitch if you announce you’ve gone vegetarian or vegan. And you don’t deserve friends.

6. Drink Light Beer During Dinner And Games

Beer is terrible for a diet, thanks to its high carb count. It’s tough to commit to having “just one.” Sometimes you can’t avoid drinking beer and you don’t want to be seen drinking Michelob Ultra. Light beers, while not the most frat thing in the world, won’t prompt any sneers from your friends. Keeping a few in the fridge isn’t a bad idea if people are coming over for a game.

5. BYOB And Offer To Bring Food To Social Functions

You can’t control what alcohol or food will be available at parties and barbecues. The best way to combat this uncertainty, without risking looking like a bitch who won’t eat anything, is to offer to bring your own booze and make something for the event. Bringing the ribs or making the coleslaw should excuse you from eating the macaroni salad. Avoid drinking from the keg by bringing a bottle of Goose or Jameson.

4. Don’t Stop Lifting, But Choose Your Partner Carefully

Wanting to lose weight is not an invitation to start CrossFit, nor is an excuse to not lift at all. A key to weight loss is maintaining muscle mass and continuing to develop all parts of your body in tandem with consistent cardio. Be sure your partner is similarly committed to both lifting and cardio. A shitty partner can really put a damper on your gym time as well as your fitness goals.

3. Make Your Own Food And Mix Your Own Drinks

Anytime you choose to stay in and drink, in lieu of hitting the bars, always make your own drinks. This way, there’s no risk of someone fucking up and putting Coke in your whiskey instead of diet. There’s no stigma in choosing diet over regular coke, especially since diet gets you drunker.

In the same vein, make your own meals. While this only pertains to guys whose moms and girlfriends make their lunches, it’s smarter to make your own meals so you know exactly what’s in it. Plus, bringing a diet-friendly lunch to your summer internship discourages you from getting Five Guys during your lunch breaks.

2. If You Must Eat Out, Choose A Steakhouse

If you find eating out is unavoidable (e.g. it’s a first date or you’re celebrating a birthday), make reservations at a steakhouse. No one tearing into a half rack of ribs or cutting a mid-rare steak was ever accused of being a little bitch. Baked potatoes and french fries aren’t the most diet friendly sides, so order a vegetable medley or salad as a side. You’re still appeasing your inner carnivore without looking like a little bitch.

1. Stay Diligent During The Week So You Can Enjoy Your Weekends

You CAN relax your diet one or two days a week and still see appreciable results. Cheat days can be seen as break days and they keep you committed to dropping lbs, while dieting seven days a week will surely lead to burnout. Staying the course during the week allows for an intemperate weekend. Bear in mind, you can still set your weight loss goals back if you drink too many soft drinks or hit up the O-Garden on the weekends.

Just don’t be a fucking idiot and be cognizant that every carb and calorie counts.

    1. Fraddington_bear

      Yeah he’s reached the point of no return. He could rewrite the fucking Iliad at this point and he’d still get torn apart.

      8 years ago at 9:52 am
  1. Henry_Eighth

    We get it: you used to be a fat fuck. Well you can lose all the weight you want and you will always be a fat fuck on the inside. It’s science.

    8 years ago at 9:59 am
  2. CameronFrye

    “Light beers, while not the most frat thing in the world” Guess we’re just throwing the TFM bracket challenge results out the window

    8 years ago at 10:19 am
    1. SharkWeekTFM

      If I can make a suggestion, Kramer. Just don’t respond to negative comments or even positive ones. Just answer sincere questions someone has about your or the piece. Makes it look like you have a bit more integrity and aren’t being defensive. It’d just invite more negativity anyway.

      Not that I’d know what a lot of negative comments feels like (humble? brag).

      8 years ago at 11:28 am
  3. Gun_Slinger

    Calories in 12oz of natural light = 95

    Calories in 12oz of standard bourbon = 840

    8 years ago at 10:29 am
      1. Fratolina

        3g of carbs in a natty is negligible. You’d need 10 of those to offset 1-2 rum and coke or bourbon and ginger. Just stick to natty/miller light beer (avoid others: Bud has 2x, yeung 3x, blue moon 4x, and most ‘good’ beers have even more)

        8 years ago at 10:39 am
      2. Kramer Smash

        It’s almost as though there’s a column of low-carb drinks. If not, maybe I should write one.

        8 years ago at 10:47 am
      3. CreightonFratStar

        It really isn’t. A caloric deficit is the key, regardless of the macronutrient breakdown in those calories. And alcohol has 7 calories per gram, which makes a shot about 100 calories.

        8 years ago at 11:16 am
      4. Skylark_17

        I have yet to comment on your writing, Kramer, but if you want to type like a hoodlum, get the fuck out of here.

        8 years ago at 1:58 am
    1. That Last Beer

      Yeah but I’m not just going to have one natty. And that amount of bourbon is the equivalent of 8 drinks if you count your shots as 1.5 ounces. 8 natural lights is a similar calorie level to 8 shots of bourbon.

      8 years ago at 12:03 pm
  4. 1_Rugey_Jentelman

    1. Intramurals (gyms still have summer leagues)
    2. #ButtStuff2016
    3. Lifting heavy shit
    4. Eat normal, unprocessed food
    5. Skip the coke entirely
    6. Fuck your cardio – try HIIT, Cardioacceleration, tabata (not the damn Crosshit version)
    7. Hot wings? Man up – best out the phone, go for 600,000+ SHU (probably hottest they have) for fat loss and other benefits
    8. Lift heavier shit by now
    9. If you must eat out, Kramer’s mom is juicer than the steak
    10. Find sources better than bb.com

    8 years ago at 11:00 am
  5. SharkWeekTFM

    Well damn, knocking it out of the park in quantity.
    I applaud the work effort. I haven’t read all your articles and, honestly, don’t have an immediate intent to (might get around to it). But I’m still impressed.

    I wrote several articles that went unpublished so I’m happy you get the satisfaction of at least getting your work out there. #ScarsCanStillHurt #SharkWeek

    8 years ago at 11:05 am
    1. Henry_Eighth

      Go read his Body of Shit then tell me if you still feel like applauding. Or flapping your fins together or slapping your tail on the water or whatever it is you folks do.

      8 years ago at 11:11 am
      1. SharkWeekTFM

        All I’m saying is that it seems like he is getting paid, in which case cranking out stuff that the suits might be willing to publish takes time and work and that in and of itself is worth something.
        Just kinda reminds me of the time I put into my shark week stuff only for it to never see the light of day. So I’m happy to see his hard work is paying off.

        And I’ll read that shit if I want to, thank you kindly.

        8 years ago at 11:23 am
    2. Kramer Smash

      Half of it is superfluous drivel and the other half is irrelevant news stories with some vanilla commentary. But hey, lists are easy to read since most of the site’s commenters are at about an 10th grade reading level.

      But on the real, if you have some good stuff, you should submit it on a different account. I was actually a respected fifth year on a different account for awhile before I started writing.

      8 years ago at 11:27 am
      1. VandyConservative

        I am curious as to who you are now. I’m betting we’ve interacted a great deal and now here I am criticizing you for using the word “woke”.

        8 years ago at 1:28 pm
      2. Kramer Smash

        Quite a few times. which makes the attacks and insults even funnier cuz they come from mostly the same people who upped me to fifth year.

        8 years ago at 2:16 pm
      3. VandyConservative

        Damnit, now I have to roast you as I would a friend and not a faceless Internet personality.

        8 years ago at 2:22 pm
      4. Henry_Eighth

        Commenting doesn’t require writing ability. And “Respected Fifth Year” is a worthless designation. Try putting it on your resume. Hell, Keep It Buttery is a fifth year and he’s the biggest shithead on the site. That’s probably who you used to be.

        8 years ago at 2:51 pm
      5. Kramer Smash

        Nay. He can’t roll with the punches. he would have thrown a fit and left by now.

        8 years ago at 2:56 pm