21 Foolproof Excuses For When You Hit A Miserable Golf Shot
10 years ago

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Off the tee:

  1. “That’s what happens when you go in cold. I only got to hit balls on the range for like twenty minutes.”
  2. “Burnt myself out on the range. I was there for like twenty minutes.”
  3. “That was my breakfast ball” after losing the first ball. “That was my mulligan” after losing the second. “That was my Ginsburg” when you top a third straight tee shot.
  4. “Did you see that reflection off the head of my driver? Ridiculous. Sunglasses? That’s a hoe ass Zach Johnson move. I’d rather not look like a complete clown.”
  5. “A little peace and quiet would be appreciated during my backswing. I’m looking at you, Kyle. Fucking mouth-breather.”
  6. “I’m chalking that one up to the cart girl. How am I suppose to concentrate when she throws those major league yabbos in my face right before I tee off?Oh, I’m copping those digits by the turn. No question.”

Approach shots:

  1. “Waiting fifteen minutes between shots because of these chumps in front of us? Pace of play is THE biggest threat to the game of golf.”
  2. “No way I’m 150 out. I don’t care what that marker says. 120 at most.” Leaves shot way short. “Chunked it, man.”
  3. “I’m waiting for them to clear the green. What? You don’t think I can get on in two?” from 325 yards out. Duffs it. “Well now you have me doubting myself, asshole.”
  4. “Still getting used to these new blades. Really unforgiving if you don’t hit it perfect every time. Not that you’d know with those cavity backs. How long have I had them? About a year, but it’s not like I’m playing every day, you know?”
  5. “Weight room’s really fucking with my swing. Repping two plates eight times now. Plus, I can barely lift the club above these monster traps.”

Out of the bunker:

  1. “This bunker makes the herpes and used-needle infested beaches of Panama City right after the B.P. oil spill look like a tropical paradise getaway. I’m lucky I didn’t break my club in that rock pit.”
  2. “Shoutout to the fifty or so people before me that didn’t rake. Really appreciate it, guys.”
  3. “That ball was more plugged than Lisa Ann in an interracial gangbang.”
  4. “Left my sand wedge back on thirteen. The fact that I got it out, under that lip no less, is a miracle upon itself.”

Chipping:

  1. “I knew I had to get it up higher. Mistakingly grabbed my 54 instead of the 60. I was just being considerate of your time by not going back to my bag and switching it out.”
  2. “Whoever set up this pin location is the same type of jerkoff that enjoys Major championships that end with a winning score over par. Jordan Spieth couldn’t put it within fifteen feet.”
  3. “Didn’t know we were chipping onto the lubed-up icy sex dungeon of Elsa from “Frozen.” Anywhere else and that’s a tap in.”

Putting:

  1. “The greens are slower than a western grip handjob from a sloth.
  2. “Can’t leave your birdie putt short,” after rolling it twenty feet past the hole for what was, by USGA rules, a double bogey.
  3. “Fix your fucking ball marks, you savages.”
  4. DeltaBuy

    from your golf swing, I’d have thought all 22 excuses were for off the tee dude

    10 years ago at 7:28 am
    2. Fratty Couples PGA

      Hitting a perfectly acceptable shot down the right half of the fairway, then loudly complaining that your driver doesn’t know how to draw the ball. FUCK YOU!

      10 years ago at 3:22 am
  7. William F Wallace

    Danny, you’ve been giving us the only quality shit on here. This is perfect.

    10 years ago at 10:09 am
    1. DufDaddy

      Someone submitted it on the the photo page. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.

      10 years ago at 11:51 am
    2. LeGronk

      I’m just trying to figure out what the hardo without a shirt and unzipped cargo shorts is trying to do.

      10 years ago at 12:39 pm
    3. gene_the_dream

      For curious minds, below is an oral account of the events leading to the cover photo:

      It probably goes without saying, but I’d like to clarify that this picture was taken at a golf outing (obviously) for a fraternity that shall remain nameless. It wasn’t exactly a typical day of golf on a lazy Sunday afternoon in June. This happened to be our first golf outing as alumni so we had the strong, capable livers of undergrads without any of the pesky “consequences” of being active members of a Fraternity. Chaos ensued. There are a few obvious questions here so I’ll break down everything in this picture one at a time:

      Why isn’t that douchebag wearing a shirt? And are his pants undone?

      Shirtlessness and/or nudity were fairly prominent themes at this particular golf outing. The group was playing by the rule that anyone who failed to hit their drive past the ladies’ tee had to take their next shot with their pants around their ankles (I’m not sure if that rule has made it to the PGA Tour yet, but I’m sure it’s going through the review process). Once the alcohol started flowing 75% of second shots were being taken with pants around ankles. One can only take their pants off so many times before realizing that their shirt is just getting in the way. Also, this particular brother still had abs and his cart girl senses were probably tingling. I was fairly certain I was going to have to pry him off of her at some point during the day, so the fact that all he did was take his shirt off is actually a blessing. He did end up getting her number though. The world can be a confusing place sometimes.

      Why are clubs strewn about the fairway like playing cards after a child shouts “Fifty-two pickup”?

      The gentleman on the ground was kind enough to arrange the golf clubs in this manner. After bonging a beer, presumably very slowly like a little bitch, he decided to start hammer throwing everyone’s golf bags. He used to love regaling us with tall tales about how he was a “track and field star” in high school and I think that in his drunken state he saw an opportunity to prove it to us. He proved nothing.

      Why is that dickhead on the ground, seemingly reeling from pain?

      This one is a contentious topic. He claims the he had just leapt out of the way of a rogue golf cart driven by a member of his foursome or possibly by Bowser from Mario Kart. But come on, lets get real. Look at that picture. Does that look like the pose of an elite athlete who just James Bond jump-and-rolled his way out of the path of danger? No. That looks like an asshole who just made himself dizzy while hammer throwing golf bags and fell down. It looks like someone who’s deciding between getting up and possibly vomiting or staying down and making the 5th hole fairway his bed for the day. The fact that he stayed down long enough for someone to meander out of their cart and casually snap a picture is proof enough for me to believe that he fell down while acting like an idiot, and not while heroically saving a kitten from a golf cart accident or whatever it is he thinks he did. The pain he appears to be feeling likely stems from the beer he bonged, which probably upset his delicate little belly because there was too much foam.

      Why are there so many god damn divots out there?

      We’re bad at golf.

      10 years ago at 3:05 pm
      3. PursuitofFrattiness9

        Tldr I’m just going to assume you blacked out and got kicked off the golf course

        10 years ago at 7:07 pm
      5. Fratty Couples PGA

        A gentleman’s game, you FUCK! You FAT FUCK! I HATE YOU. I HATE YOUR FAMILY. You really stepped out of your comfort zone on this one and it’s time to step back in, bitch.

        10 years ago at 3:18 am