The 22 Greatest Mid-Sex Dirty Talk Fails Of All-Time

SteveHolt9 years ago

I love me some dirty talk in the bedroom. It’s one of my greatest sex qualities. Girls have raved about how I really get them going with the smooth sounds of Holt’s voice whispering Shakespearian poetry into their ear.

Being good at Sexy Speak™ is a privilege, not a right. Look below at these 22 strangers who angered the God of Love and were cursed with living a life of perpetual pillow talk ineptitude.

That lamp is making your cock cast a 12 foot shadow on the window blinds – the neighbours will be impressed.

Good lighting is key to making love.

She lifted up her semen covered hand and yelled “high five!” in her best Borat voice.

Probably would have rubbed her hand in her face.

She says ” I’m gonna fuck you hard ” in what i can only describe as the female version of Christian Bales Batman voice. I was so confused ….

Did you check to see if she was wearing a strap on?

“Oh shit my dad’s home! Finish in the closet! Quick!”

Or dive out the window. One or the other.

“Feel my big thing enter you”.

Greatest line ever.

Nothing. She just farted, causing her to laugh, which caused more farting, etc. She was so disgusted with herself she had to quit this round of sex.

How big was this girl?

“You like that you saucy biscuit?”

It was sauced with his sausage gravy.

“Your tap is leaking but fear not, the plumber is here.”

This guy has watched too many pornos.

The funniest thing I remember was when my lover stopped – one foot on the floor – and said “was that an earthquake”

I was in the throes of a very enthusiastic orgasm and answered “no, it’s just me”

We found out afterwards that it had been an earthquake

A guy has never been so disappointed an earthquake happened as this guy was.

While having sex with a girl while she was on her period whose first language is not English, I suggested we stop because the bed looked like a murder scene. With me still inside of her she turned her head around and looked me square in the eyes and said, it’s okay I’m vampire.

I bet she’s big into Twilight.

“Are you eating gummy worms?”

We were going Doggy style and I didn’t think she would notice.

Are you George Costanza?

“Fuck my mouth, like I’m a blow up doll bitch.”

I’d probably lose my bone dog.

After a minute of doing butt stuff…

“did you eat something spicy yesterday?”

“yeah, why?”

“my dick’s on fire!”

She probably had some nasty farts all day.

After the first time having sex with my ex-boyfriend I was chilling in his bed when he sidled up to me and said in a (what I assume was meant to be) sexy voice and said “Should we play another game of… hide the pickle?”

Hide the pickle. TFM.

My ex and I would try and quote movies to each other during. I only got her real good when I whispered to her “this is my swamp now”

Swamps don’t smell good. She should get that cleaned.

Girlfriend got off, then I got off. She’s completely spent and says “SANKA, YA DEAD MON?”

I couldn’t stop laughing to say “Ya mon.”

“Oh, wow – you’re really good at this. You’ve definitely sucked way bigger dicks than mine.”

At least he’s being honest.

He screamed “cum in my ass!” while we were in the doggy position.

I’m a girl.

The classic surprise threesome.

“I had my tubes tied before you were even born.”

That’s actually reassuring knowing you can’t get her preggo.

While eating out a previous girlfriend, she yelled out “You’re the master of my vagina!”

I find that term derogatory.

“Umm.. I think that a dog is licking my asshole” As we were going at it in a park around 2 a.m. We did not know the dog.

That dog definitely had some sort of disease.

Not a person, but google maps voice navigation. I had entered in her house address and I guess I forgot to turn it off when I got there. Little bit later when we’re rolling around in bed I lean on my phone while on top of her and the nav voice says “you will arrive at your destination in 2 minutes”.

Mr. Marathon man himself over here.

To read more of these amazing fails, click here.

[via Reddit]

Image via YouTube