25 Things I’d Do If I Were In The 1%
The 1% rules the world, but most of them don’t have any fun at all with their wealth. If I had billions of dollars I wouldn’t just sit around, jerking off to the number of commas in my bank account. I’d foolishly burn it all as tribute to the masses, hoping to distract them from the cruel realities of their own filthy peasantry. Distraction, after all, is the only thing standing between starving hordes and expensive hors d’oeuvres.
If I was the 1%…
1. I’d take off my clothes at the end of the day and just throw them away.
2. I’d build a massive bronze statue of a naked woman in the middle of Dubai.
3. I’d race around town in my Ferrari, pelting homeless people with handfuls of gold coins.
4. I’d build a rocket with a coffin in it, so when I die they can fire my body into the sun.
5. I’d build a private prison colony on Mars and contract it out to the government.
6. I’d have a harem of bikini models follow me around everywhere I went.
7. I’d buy a biotech genetics lab and splice crocodile DNA with birds to make dragons, just to fuck with fundamentalist religions.
8. I’d have an online appointment book where pre-screened women can sign up to suck the D.
9. I’d create the Porn Academy and give scholarships to aspiring young sluts interested in the art of taking dick.
10. I’d build a 24/7 theme park and call it Beer Mecca. I’d have every single beer in the world on tap at all times.
11. I’d build a railgun that fires baseballs so I can shoot out Kim Jung Un’s windows from 200 miles away.
12. I’d buy a private island and create a self-sufficient colony of disease free prostitutes. All tourists that come to whore island would be screened for diseases. No condoms allowed.
13. I’d build a space station for the explicit purpose of producing Zero-G porn. It only needs a single room with a couch nailed to the floor. All money shots would be jettisoned into space for the amusement and disgust of any Earthling with a good telescope.
14. I‘d buy my own personal Congressman.
15. I’d build an obelisk bigger than the Washington Monument, but it would be a massive stone cock. “Ego Sum Deus” would be engraved on the balls in Latin.
16. I’d build a supercomputer like Deep Blue, except instead of playing chess it would play Starcraft, and instead of taking down Kasparov, it would take down the entire nation of South Korea.
17. All of my bodyguards would be rapists, so people would know what’s coming if they fuck with me.
18. I’d buy a drone company and call it Liquor Missile. Users could order handles of liquor on a website and a rocket would immediately launch towards their location. The missile would arrive within minutes and the bottle would deploy from the warhead and safely parachute into your arms.
19. I’d make hover boards. Seriously, Back to the Future II, where the hell is my hover board?
20. I’d buy a private prison and build a maximum-security octagon where death row inmates elect to fight to the death on Pay Per View. Fighters live as long as they can survive and they gain access to whores, booze, and drugs when they win.
21. I’d create a clone lab and grow human liver tissue to cure the world of fatal alcoholism.
22. I’d sit around somewhere dressed as a bum and if anyone gave me change, I’d give them a briefcase full of hundreds.
23. I’d build a casino where anyone can gamble on a coin toss for any amount of money. Those who can’t pay can choose double or nothing by playing Russian roulette, best 5 out of 6.
24. I’d hire mercenary paparazzi to stalk Mark Zuckerberg and take pictures of him while he’s pooping, then upload it all to TurdBook, so everyone can see how shitty he really is.
25. I’d keep Gary Busey as a pet.
They say it’s lonely at the top, but at least you get some quality alone time while you shit on everyone below you. What would you do if you were the 1%?
Being in the 1% #TFM
10 years ago at 11:11 am2050 fraternity guys will definitely be making fun of the 2050 GDIs on hoverboards.
10 years ago at 11:13 amI’m sorry, how does that fit in with this conversation?
10 years ago at 11:37 amThe fact that you haven’t mentioned getting all your clothes tailed disappoints me.
10 years ago at 11:24 amMy family is 1% and we can only afford a nice country club, a BMW, a Lexus, a Honda, and my college education.
10 years ago at 11:36 amThat’s it? Do you not have a home?
10 years ago at 11:38 amMan, you are soooo frat!
10 years ago at 8:14 amGary Busey as a pet #BestIdeaEver
10 years ago at 11:40 amSFPL should take lessons from you
10 years ago at 11:46 am#9…that is all.
10 years ago at 11:52 amHey dipshit, you are the 1%. An annual salary of $33,000 puts you in the top 1% of earners in the world. Only in America do asswipes like yourself think about wealth in this way. I know this is supposed to be a funny article but shut the fuck up about the 1% thing. There are more than 7 billion people in this world and a grand total of 1,645 of them have a net worth of more than a billion dollars. The US population is something like 310 million now and there are less than 500 billionaires. So please stop with this 1% bullshit and just say, “If I had unlimited money this is the retarded shit I would do”.
Everything is relative. Any asshole in America can point to a “rich guy” with more stuff than they do and say, “Hey man, why do you need more than one house?”. Bitch, why do you need more than one pair of shoes? There are kids in Africa without any shoes. Look at you all high and mighty with your clean water and shelter. What now? What’s your comeback, “Well that guy has more stuff than me, he should help out the African kid.”??? Fuck you.
I realize this rant is not quite what the article was about but I am so sick of people in America walking around acting like the haven’t been given the whole fucking world on a silver platter. We are currently living during the greatest fucking civilization in the history of the world and all these fuck stains want to do is sit around and complain. “The only thing standing between you and your dream is the bullshit story you tell yourself about why you can’t have it.” – Look up who said that and what else they have to say, you dumbfucks might actually decide to pull your head out of your ass and doing something productive about a problem rather than complain about it.
10 years ago at 11:54 amWe’re so glad you could finally get that off your chest. You have truly a wealth of knowledge, Buzz Killington.
10 years ago at 12:00 pmtl;dr. fuck off
10 years ago at 1:27 pmAt no point did anyone complain about America, you fucking ball gargler. I don’t know who needs to get their shit together more, you or Africa?
10 years ago at 1:18 amWhy would I ever care about people in Africa?
10 years ago at 5:07 amYou’re not well, are you? You should take yourself out of the game, bud.
10 years ago at 8:52 pmWhen you go out with “friends,” do people actively ignore you? I can’t imagine anyone chooses to hang out with you.
10 years ago at 7:36 amI award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.
10 years ago at 8:21 amBig_mase93=
10 years ago at 11:43 amLooks like SFPL changed his name again
10 years ago at 11:59 amIn all seriousness that bar idea would be amazing, put that thing in something like Disney World and you’ve got a license to print money.
10 years ago at 12:02 pm