26 Things Bill Simmons Also Probably Believes

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Bill Simmons sure does believe a lot of things. If you don’t believe me, just fire up your HBO GO account, click on any content and wait for an ad to load. 95 percent chance it’s going to be this one:

Ah, yes. All of the controversial, polarizing things Bill Simmons believes, like soup being “the perfect food” or Kanye being “a genius.” Really deep stuff. You have to wonder what shocking takes Bill has that didn’t make the promo cut. Well, I’ve decided to take a stab at what they might be:

  1. “I believe that Lincoln Logs are the perfect toy.”
  2. “I believe that the iPhone would be just a little bit better as a two-way radio.”
  3. “I believe that plants are racist organisms.”
  4. “I believe gas station hot dogs are better than ballpark franks.”
  5. “I believe Twitter is the email of the future.”
  6. “I believe Gary, Ind., would be a destination town if it was named Scott.”
  7. “I believe anyone over 35 has raped at least five people.”
  8. “I believe Islam is the perfect religion.”
  9. “I believe black bears are the most sensitive mammals.”
  10. “I believe Boston is where Jesus was born.”
  11. “I believe Google Plus is the perfect social network.”
  12. “I believe airplanes shouldn’t have seats and everyone should sit on the ground.”
  13. “I believe every president has sent a nude from the oval office.”
  14. “I believe Saudi Arabia funded and protected 9/11 terrorists.”
  15. “I believe the Sega Dreamcast is the best console gaming system ever invented.”
  16. “I believe Syria is less stable today than it was yesterday.”
  17. “I believe Microsoft peaked with Windows 98.”
  18. “I believe crocs are the perfect shoe.”
  19. “I believe Tommy Bahama makes the best quarter-zip fleece.”
  20. “I believe jam bands are the best genre of music.”
  21. “I believe the Confederate flag is more aesthetically pleasing than the American flag.”
  22. “I believe that Cheese Nips are better than Cheez-its.”
  23. “I believe Magic Johnson used AIDS to duck the Jordan Bulls.”
  24. “I believe the world will end in 2032.”
  25. “I believe golf should adopt the 4-point line.”
  26. “I believe I’m a genius. And that’s the world’s problem. Not mine.”

“Do you really want to know what I believe?”

Eh, not particularly, Bill. But I guess I’ll watch your dumb show anyway, even though you hate good things like college sports and love bad things like Boston sports.

  1. AnyTwoWillDo

    Can’t believe I’m saying this but stick to copy/pasting from Reddit, Steve

    8 years ago at 9:41 am
    1. KahunaAlpha

      I believe the TFM staff room would be just a little bit better if it was the Reddit staff room.

      8 years ago at 9:43 am
  2. Fratstarbator

    steve articles are a good place for discussion. i was reading everyone getting pissed at dan for his gator article yesterday and wondered… have any activists come out in defense of gators like they did the gorilla? or are the gator parents also under investigation for crime like letting their kid swim in a swamp like the gorilla parents were? i feel like its a good case for activists being full of shit if they defend one animal and not another.

    8 years ago at 9:44 am
    1. thaisticktony

      Plus they also euthanized four gators they found looking for the boys remains. But you know alligators are gross and 800lb gorillas who could’ve ripped that kid in two are cuddly.

      8 years ago at 10:43 am
      1. Fratstarbator

        exactly. but just to play devils advocate agaisnt myself, i do believe gorillas are endangered and gators are not…either way i have to believe its the zoos responsibility. im sure there are bulding codes somewhere that say 4 year olds shouldnt be able to climb into gorilla enclosures. thats too easy. and i have to believe disney is also at fault. how the hell are you gonna let gators on in your spa/resort. even with the no swimming signs those fuckers can run around 30 mph on land. disney builds a fence to keep people out but they aremt capable of throwing a bit of chicken wire around it to keep the gators at bay?

        8 years ago at 11:37 am
    2. Carl_Speckler

      PETA released a statement condemning the killing of the 4 alligators. But it’s peta, so no one really took it very seriously

      8 years ago at 2:46 pm
  3. CantHandleTheRandle

    27. I can’t believe Steve Holt wrote an article that he didn’t just copy from Reddit.

    8 years ago at 10:02 am
  4. ewusigep252

    Bill Simmons believes that Steve Holt needs to be told to fuck off every day.

    8 years ago at 10:43 am
  5. Hurricane Christie

    That Bill Simmons is such a rebel. This new show of his is just a big “Screw You” to ESPN. Serves those cocksucking rat fuckers right!!!

    8 years ago at 11:06 am