29 Public Swimming Pool Power Moves

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So you decided to head back home to the burbs this summer. Time to enjoy some home cookin’, cut your teeth in the corporate world with an internship at your fraternity brother’s dad’s office, and hang out at the local pool with your childhood buddies. It’s also time to show those buddies how tremendously awesome of a douchebag you’ve become since subscribing to the #TFM #fratlife. Establish dominance over your old stomping grounds with these 29 Public Swimming Pool Power Moves.

  1. Pee in the pool.
  2. Pee in the pool while standing out of the water.
  3. Stand in the middle of a group of swimmers and say loudly, “Oh man, I shouldn’t have drank so much water before getting in.”
  4. Whenever a pale friend talks, act frightened and call out, “Who said that!?”
  5. Swim up to an attractive woman. Look her in the eyes, say “Marco,” and touch her boob.
  6. Wear a scuba suit and hang out at the bottom of the pool where it says “No Diving.”
  7. “Cool back tat of your last name. Is that so your long lost father can find you?”
  8. Use a pool net to catch a hippy’s dreadlocks and say, “Dammit, another animal must’ve fallen in here.”
  9. Tell a hot lifeguard, “You saved me the moment I saw you.”
  10. Check the pool’s pH levels next to someone. Look at them suspiciously.
  11. Attend a swim meet. When a swimmer goes to the dumpster to throw something away, warn him, “I’ve got my eye on you.”
  12. Ask a girl with big boobs if you can borrow her floaties.
  13. If she declines, say, “You know, you shouldn’t be in the water on your period.”
  14. Throw pennies in the deep end and make pledges fish them out.
  15. Accuse women with towels on their heads of cultural appropriation.
  16. Stuff your American flag Speedo.
  17. Stand in front of a water jet and moan loudly.
  18. When the ice cream man comes, slip him a $100 bill and raise your eyebrows knowingly.
  19. Stare at a woman eating a Popsicle. When she notices you, whisper, “Good girl.”
  20. Ask a lifeguard, “These Pool Rules are really more like ‘Pool Suggestions,’ right?”
  21. Post up by the diving board. When a hot girl walks by, tell her, “This place is a dive… let’s get out of here.”
  22. Start a game of Refugee. Pledges attempt to paddle a raft from one side of the pool to the other while brothers, armed with Supersoakers, attempt to tip it over.
  23. Instruct a female wearing an American flag bikini to remove her top as it goes against the flag code.
  24. If it’s a fat girl in an American flag bikini, say, “Woah, I’ve never seen one fit all 50 stars before!”
  25. Recommend the staff builds the gate around the pool grounds 10-feet higher.
  26. “Can you rub some sunscreen on my back? Thanks… pssht, I’m not flexing.”
  27. Steal the ball from 13-year-olds playing water basketball, shout “KOBE!” and dunk it.
  28. Ask a sexy lifeguard if she wants to practice CPR on you.
  29. Remind poor-looking people that the pool is for members only.

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  1. Gun_Slinger

    This should have been written by Dorn with his expertise of public swimming pools

    8 years ago at 10:13 am
  2. Jackpittman

    Dorn is really doing a good job of hiding his erection in that picture. Bravo Dorn

    8 years ago at 10:13 am
    1. Brofalo and Company

      Problem with the pool is he can’t even waist band it, so he had to resort to the slick put hands in pockets but push them forward technique.

      8 years ago at 10:17 am
  3. Henry_Eighth

    30. Bet your friends that you can squat on the high board and shit a turd so long that it will touch the water before it leaves your ass.

    8 years ago at 10:41 am