300-Pound Jared Lorenzen Isn’t The QB The Jets Deserve, But He’s The QB They Need
With Geno Smith down for the count after getting blasted in the jaw by a third-stringer, the Jets need someone to fill his shoes as starting quarterback.
Side note: Kinda fucked up I.K. got the axe. Geno bailed on his charity event and refused to pay him back for the $600 plane ticket. I know Geno had someone close to him die, but not showing your teammate respect – and turning your back to him when he confronts you about the money – is a shitty way to lead as a franchise quarterback. Also, look at this Instagram picture he posted right after the incident:
Any man who takes a pouty-faced selfie to express his rage deserves to be cold cocked.
Either way, the already weak-as-shit NFL starting QB lineup just got a little weaker, and Bowles is probably going to throw in Ryan Fitzpatrick as a replacement. He shouldn’t.
There is a far more qualified man who offered to lend his services to the reeling Jets offense. He’s got a 2008 Super Bowl ring from playing back-up to Eli Manning (doesn’t matter that he didn’t take a single snap), an unwavering air of confidence, and 320 pounds of pure hustle. They call him the Hefty Lefty. J-load. The Pillsbury Throwboy. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you JARED LOOOREENZENNN.
Umm @nyjets just saying I already look great in green. #ComingbacktoNYC #ThrowboyTees pic.twitter.com/upoPxJx3NU
— jared lorenzen (@JaredLorenzen22) August 11, 2015
The dude is the stuff of football folklore. Look at homeboy go:
He can block downfield, too:
It’s like watching a Madden Create-A-Player in action. You know, the one you made fast as hell and then dragged the weight and belly size cursors as far right as they’d go?
After his NFL career, Lorenzen took up a gig as General Manager for the Northern Kentucky River Monsters in the Ultimate Indoor Football League. He soon resigned to become starting quarterback, and despite weighing 320 pounds, had himself an MVP season. Has any other GM in the history of sports done something like that? Just said, “Fuck it, I’m better than these scrubs,” while watching from the box in a suit, then hanging up his tie and throwing on a helmet? That’s like a king riding into battle with his troops.
He’s funny as shit, too. Look at his hot take on the NCAA ruling to allow athletes unlimited meals per day.
I'll tell u what the NCAA really lucked out that I don't have any eligibility left.
— jared lorenzen (@JaredLorenzen22) April 15, 2014
Here he is asking a blonde chick for some nachos from the sidelines.
@CardSportsZone I was at the game! Here he is wanting some nachos pic.twitter.com/RIffxsiQML
— Neal Thompson (@CengageNeal) February 4, 2014
He also stood up for fellow big boy QB Jameis Winston (after throwing a well-executed and playful jab), who caught some flack earlier this year for rocking the dad bod behind the line.
In honor of #FatTuesday I will play "who looks better?" P.S. The answer is obvious. #biggerisbetter #22 pic.twitter.com/2PXjLl9r5K
— jared lorenzen (@JaredLorenzen22) February 17, 2015
From Bleacher Report:
“The kid’s incredible,” the former Giants and Colts backup said. “He’s won the Heisman, he’s won a national title; let’s lay off the kid a little bit.”
Lorenzen is also just the man the Jets need to make up for their piss-poor offensive line, which lets more through than a spare condom stashed in a Puerto Rican girl’s purse. You ain’t bringing this man down easy. Do the right thing, Bowles..
[via Bleacher Report]
Image via YouTube
Lorenzen in as center. Lorenzen snaps the ball too…Lorenzen?
9 years ago at 1:47 pmDamn, guess I’ll start stretching.
9 years ago at 3:44 pmI don’t think this guys knows what he just signed up for
9 years ago at 2:02 pmBeing “slightly” overweight but surprisingly athletic. TFM
9 years ago at 2:12 pmHe’s that one brother you would never think is athletic cause they are so out of shape but leads your intramural squad to a championship.
9 years ago at 2:22 pmThis ain’t the one where I trot downfield and act like I’m lost, is it?
9 years ago at 2:22 pmThe man is a legend
9 years ago at 2:35 pmNo, he is definitely the QB the Jets deserve.
9 years ago at 2:36 pmI fucking lost it at “Pillsbury Throwboy”
9 years ago at 2:59 pmHas any other GM in the history of sports done something like that? Just said, “Fuck it, I’m better than these scrubs,”
Jordan for Charlotte
9 years ago at 3:09 pm*Wizards*
9 years ago at 3:12 pmYour profile picture makes me uncomfortable
9 years ago at 3:13 pmThe fact that he was starting QB for the River Monsters makes me like him anymore.
9 years ago at 3:39 pm