5 Easy Fitness Tips That Will Help Even Your Lazy Ass Get In Shape

Siblings of Mark Wahlberg9 years ago

Thankfully, the horrendous trend and catch phrase that was the “dad bod” has died, never to return again. Hopefully. While women across the nation flood movie theaters this summer, loins dripping, to watch Zac Efron prance around with his six pack abs pretending to be an actor, maybe it’s time we do a little something to combat the consequences of our total frat lifestyles.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not wasting time in college being sober, eating healthy like my girlfriend does, and/or living in the gym. So here are a few options for those of us who give a fuck, but not really:

5. Choose Vodka Instead of Beer

I know this is blasphemous, but even an average light beer packs almost twice the calories as an unflavored shot of vodka, with less than half of the spin-inducing punch.

We’re too young to drink for the taste anyway, so man the fuck up and take straight shots or mix with sugar free sparkling water.

Vodka whatever is also a seemingly more “sophisticated” order when out cougar hunting.

4. Pull-Up Pyramid

I would rather contract full blown AIDS than find myself waiting for a fucking treadmill in the undergrad gym with a bunch of portly coeds. Ok, maybe not AIDS, but definitely HIV.

The pull-up pyramid is simple. On day 1, do 20 pull ups. Doesn’t matter how many reps per set. Shit, do 20 sets of 1 if that’s how rough things have gotten. Just do it. The next day, add 1, and then another, and another, and so on for the next 60 days.

In two months, when you’re up to 80 reps per day, stop adding reps, and instead subtract one set each week. In 90 days or so, you’ll be knocking out 20 at a time. You’ll be in the best shape you’ve been in since high school football (maybe better) without having stepped foot in a gym.

3. Push-Up Pyramid

See number 3, but start with a higher number (let’s say 40?). Don’t be a fucking pussy.

2. Drink 8 Bottles of Water per Day.

Sound like a lot? Not really. Buy a Britta water filter (not the bottles, those are for hipsters and women). They’re like 70 bucks and you’re dad is probably a doctor so just do it. Shit, you probably spend more than that each week on weed.

Anyway, this might be the most important step of all. And it’s really fucking easy. You can add sugar free flavoring that makes water tastes like candy, and the added hydration will help eliminate hangovers, all while helping you lose weight, have more energy, and generally look/feel better.

With the reprehensibly irresponsible amount of alcohol we consume, the least we could do for our drowning livers is mix in a little 0 proof refreshment.

1. Have Less Lazy Sex

Fucking and getting in shape simultaneously is almost as good as George Costanza’s sex/tv/sandwich trifecta. But the supposed myth that exploring her insides burns a ton of calories is not a myth at all.

Granted, most of us end up on our backs wondering if the fan is actually on as she bounces up and down on an increasingly lifeless gummy worm, which I’m guessing isn’t the workout most “studies” had in mind.

But when we do the work, namely from behind, holding her up, even aggressive missionary, we’re killing two birds with one stone as we inch our way closer to both abs and a nut.

Best part? We get to fall right asleep post workout. Hard to beat that..