5 People I’d Like to Punch in the Face

We all have those people in our lives who we’d just like to punch in the face for one reason or another, and with zero repercussions – no legal trouble, no retaliation. Nothing. Without further ado, here are the first five that come to mind:

Bill Maher

Bill Maher basically represents everything I don’t. He’s anti-Christian. He’s anti-GOP. He’s anti-anything good and decent. Throw in a know-it-all attitude and a smug demeanor, and we’re talking about one annoying little shit here. It also bothers me that he tries to pull off a power slick. We’re not buying it, Bill. He’s the type of guy that would sue my penis off if I landed one on that twerpy little face of his. This is my game though – a game with no consequences, so I’m unloading on him.

Justin Bieber

I’m saving my right uppercut for this chick. I’m taking two power steps, slightly bending at the knees while tilting my torso forward about 10 to 15 degrees and turning my hips to the right, then squaring back up while coming up with authority – right underneath the chin. I’m going to do my best to take her head clean off.

Why is Biebs slowly morphing into a lesbian? And why am I seemingly the only one noticing? I get it. He’s talented, young, and rich. But at what point will his pants hanging off his ass, his hat cocked to the side with the super bangs hanging down, and his general douchy appearance make everyone start to hate him like I do? He needs an uppercut, and he needs some gusto behind it.

Tom Cruise

Remember when Maverick was the coolest motherfucker in Hollywood? The bomber jacket and aviators look was not only an American staple, but also a representation of the badass American fighter pilot. And Mav was the reason. Now look at him. He’s a super spastic, homo-erotic, Scientology-believing nutjob. All this is enough to warrant a busted lip, but then Bill from the next office over showed me THIS photo shoot he did, and I had to grab my fist, which had subconsciously thrusted toward my computer screen. He’d get it for sure.

Josh Beckett

Just look at his facial hair.

I hate this guy. He’s a great ballplayer, but his douchiness exceeds even his skills on the bump. It’s like he got caught up in the terrible goatee phase and stayed there forever. Most people try some facial hair on for a short stint at some point, usually when they are finally able to grow it in thickly. We let it slide and chalk it up to an awkward phase. Beckett’s been doing for his whole career. He’s committed. That’s the difference. Throw in his braided necklace for good measure, and he’s a shoo-in for a knuckle sandwich. A standard right cross should do the trick.

Michelle Obama

Barack deserves to be on this list, don’t get me wrong, but something about throwing fists at the president of the United States just doesn’t sit well with me. That’s why I’m going after his wife instead. I’m not trying to destroy her face or anything, which really looks like it’s already taken a pounding or two. I’d just like to land a nice, solid left jab square in her mouth, you know, just to let her know I mean business and that the job her hubby is doing running this country is not appreciated. I would intend on drawing blood though, just to be clear.

Note: I have no intentions of harming any of the people mentioned here, nor to I endorse harming them in any way.

Follow me on Twitter @RogerDornTFM

    1. Texas Tux and Oil

      Bieber, Michael Moore, Chris Mathews, Lebron and I don’t know how the hell Nancy Pelosi is not on here.

      13 years ago at 2:22 pm
    2. KA born and bred

      John Gruden, every time he commentates on football I like to imagine him drawing plays with crayons while Jaws pats him on the back saying good job Johnny.

      13 years ago at 6:05 pm
    3. Brobert F Kennedy

      I legitimately thought Hannity was gonna sock him one in the mandible. Goddamn it Hannity what are they going to do fire you from your own show for punching a trash talking anarchist? No.

      13 years ago at 6:57 am
  1. BootsAndSuits

    I’d like to put a nice right hook to the face of the entire cast of Jersey Shore

    13 years ago at 11:58 am
    1. fratitat

      Vinny and pauly d, although total geeds, are pretty entertaining.

      Gonna go climb into a bunker now to avoid the artillery.

      13 years ago at 2:05 pm
  2. Hannibro Lecter

    5 people I want Fratdusky to punch in the face because then it would be funnier. But frat on Dorn

    13 years ago at 11:59 am
  3. Louis OostHAZEn

    I feel like this could be the beginning of a great series of columns regarding this same subject.

    13 years ago at 11:59 am
    1. Southern Improper

      ^^ That name… something about it makes me want to put you on the list.

      13 years ago at 4:29 pm
    1. JohnSr

      ^^Trolls want you to do that. Regardless of how funny it would be, it would encourage their trolling.

      13 years ago at 12:31 pm
    2. Jon M Fratsman

      ^ Holy shit, he’s back. Course I think they were all Freeto in disguise, but that’s just me. You know who I really miss? The fucking Piker.

      13 years ago at 10:55 pm
    3. Jon M Fratsman

      Well done JParks. Well done. No telling why Freeto would give it away instead of just making another one, but is he superwayne these days?

      13 years ago at 11:04 pm
    4. anon7472974648

      When you asked him that, at first, I hoped he wasn’t. But if it is him, that’s actually pretty funny.

      13 years ago at 11:09 pm
    5. Jon M Fratsman

      I actually don’t remember asking him if he was or not. That’s what on his twitter though.

      13 years ago at 11:14 pm
    6. Jon M Fratsman

      Yeah, same here. I miss Pike-dominated Fail Fridays, I miss The Chili’s Guy consistently making Fail Friday, I miss The Piker pouring out his heart about his long-distance relationship (it was weird), I miss spirited discussions about whether SC and the rest of the TFM guys were actually geeds. Damn.

      13 years ago at 11:19 pm
    1. Fratrick Swayze 1856

      Michael Moore shouldn’t be punched, he should be put up against a wall and shot in the face.

      13 years ago at 12:16 pm
  4. Join_Or_Die

    I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually enjoyed one of your columns Dorn.

    13 years ago at 12:05 pm
  5. TopSider91

    My five: Nancy Pelosi, LeBron James, anyone in Nickleback, Jeremiah Wright, John Cena

    13 years ago at 12:07 pm
    1. Virginia Gentleman

      ^ I laughed at Nickleback and still don’t understand why Nancy Pelosi wasn’t on this list. I could honestly punch her in the face and not feel an ounce of remorse.

      13 years ago at 12:56 pm
    1. Fraterick Southgate

      Maybe, just maybe , it would make her voice sound normal somehow. God i hate turning on the radio and hearing an infadel getting its leg cut off slowly.

      13 years ago at 12:23 pm