5 Signs You’re Terrible At Sex

Siblings of Mark Wahlberg9 years ago

None of us really understand the enigma that is the seasonally moist cavern between a woman’s legs. It makes us do insane things, can control how we act, feel, and even our thoughts about ourselves. Yet, while we all assume a majority of our conquests leave with at least a hint of disappointment, our prowess varies more than we could ever hope to know. So here, from a guy who knows he’s set up shop right in the meaty curve of average on the totem pole of love, are five signs you suck at fucking:

5. She asks you to pull out anywhere but near her.

On the surface, it is hard to blame our temporary friends for an honest disdain for the disgusting serum 40 seconds of rabbit fucking leaks out of us. It is, for lack of a better phrase, absolutely disgusting.

But this is where biology turns everything on its head: a woman who just had a legitimate orgasm all of a sudden couldn’t care less what pool our swimmers take a dip in. While you may think a girl too prude or stuck up to enjoy the depravity that’s featured on the Hub, make her toes curl and see what happens. This, clearly, is not a concrete rule (I once had a girlfriend who claimed to be “allergic”) but touch her the right way and even the girl with a lactose allergy might try your man made milkshake.

On the flip side, give her 20 seconds of sadness and end up in your own button down, or worse yet, a rubber.

4. SHE is the one who doesn’t want to sleep over.

“The last thing I want is for you to feel disrespected, but with the game tomorrow, my parents are coming before to drop off supplies and make sure we’ve been keeping the place clean. The last thing I want is for them to meet you like this and then have a totally unfair negative perception of you or us.” That is something that worked like a charm Friday and Saturday nights before home football and basketball games, though my parents never came and sure as hell weren’t worried about the apartment cleanliness from 2,000 miles away.

But, when she’s the one doing the above, there is a major issue. My freshman year roommate couldn’t keep a woman in his room short of chains or a bear trap, and to steal a line from Drama: “the kid must fuck like dog shit, bro.”

If a lady can’t wait to get away from you the second you finish your ejaculatory convulsion, she’s been counting the seconds for her escape since you accidentally bit her clit. At the very least, a night cap, late night food, or a round two assures you of a minor league level performance, at worst.

3. You ALWAYS are the one drunk texting her.

Make a girl shake like Michael J. Fox tying his shoes and I promise you the late night “what’s up” texts will not be one-sided. If a girl is cool fucking you without commitment, there is no rational reason she would be against a round two, as long as you handled yourself with some sort of ability.

It’s a dangerous world out there so think about it: Why would a single girl you just banged (who’s still looking for sex) prefer someone besides you?

As long as you provide an alternative that doesn’t result in even more regret and self-loathing than what she’d get from other guys, you’re in. If you show her a good time and nothing changes for her from a relationship perspective, no repeat business (if you want it, of course) means you fuck like Christopher Reeves. And not the Superman version.

2. She gives you the “tap.”

This is applicable to foreplay, of course, so for those of you who do not know what that is, it’s basically an exchange of sex acts neither of you really want to do to the other person, but you do so with the understanding that the other sort of has to do it back. Except, of course, if you’re a girl, then you know you’re taking a major gamble.

But if you do take the plunge, going eye to eye with her sideways bologna sandwich, most women will be immensely appreciative, and wishing your tongue had the stamina of the energizer bunny.

However, if she tells you to stop, even if it’s something “hot” like “I want you inside of me.” This is code for “HOLY FUCK IT ISN’T BUBBLE GUM, DUDE. STOP.” I promise you. Just as there is no way you’re going to tell a girl to stop blowing you unless she’s using her teeth like she’s shucking corn, the same applies here.

If you’re clam fishing, either with your tongue, fingers, or, better yet, both, and you feel the shoulder/head tap signifying the end of your expedition, I’ve got a better shot of writing for the New York Times than you do a round two with her.

1. She asks you to finish within five minutes.

This, as the Hub has shown us, is a double-edged sword. In real life, women are typically not on their knees, mouth open, eyes closed, asking for it (though see #5 for hope). So such a request is not only not nearly as exciting, but should be extremely troubling.

Studies how shown that women that can achieve orgasm through penetrative intercourse (translation: she loves the p in the v) typically need consistent and prolonged thrusting. While it is possible your bar game was so impressive you worked her into a dog in heat type state, prompting an instant explosion, more than likely you’re sweating profusely all over her and the pizza rolls you slammed eight shots ago have your mouth smelling like you nibbled hobo asshole.

While she’s trapped under your oddly hairy torso that looked far better before you took your shirt off, if she asks for it (especially if you’re in a rubber) before the first Weeknd song ends, you know you handle your dick poorly.

We love to talk about disappointment, and frankly, it’s an inevitable part of some, if not most, sexual encounters. But, though I know this is crazy, it actually helps US to help them. Repeat business, a strong rep as the vagina whisperer and the occasional willingness to avoid total selfishness (at least momentarily, and in the pursuit of personal gratification) could have you scoring hotter girls more often, and in ways you didn’t think were real.

Or I guess we could just save ourselves the trouble and fuck freshmen that don’t know any better..