5 Things From Your Childhood That Prepared You For Life

Nickelodeon Game Shows

It didn’t matter if it was Guts, Double Dare, or Legends of the Creepy Talking Statue of My Nightmares, the idea of the “physical challenge” was implanted into the minds of this generation at an extremely young age. We saw ourselves as nimble Blue Barracuda’s curb stomping temple guards as the defeated Purple Parrots wept at our feet. We imagined Mark Summers cheering us on as we dipped our hands blissfully into a paper mache nose full of potentially radioactive neon green goo. We climbed a devastating plastic mountain riddled with fog machines and jagged metal. Our youthful minds thrived on the idea of an athletic challenge just waiting to be overcome.

Flash forward to the children of today. Their dreams are no longer to bungee jump over a pit of sticky green mucus. The children of today are content with a crisp new Xbox 360 game and 8 consecutive daylight hours to spend playing it. Needless to say, our generation got it right.

These game shows were an over-the-top spectacle of peak middle school athletic performance. Because we dreamed of pure competition and physically dominating opponents instead of locating every single pigeon in Grand Theft Auto 4, we developed a mindset bent on the pursuit of excellence.

While the children of today sport their 7th place ribbons proudly, we remember the days of our youth when we saw a clear-cut winner and a loser each time we turned on the TV. We know that when life brings us to a proverbial Shrine of the Silver Monkey, we will rise to the challenge and assemble that motherfucker in record time.

Dial Up Internet

There was a time not long ago when the Internet was not the lightning speed wealth of information, news, and lewd pornography that we know today. It was mostly just porno back then. It was a simpler time, a time when the world relied on AOL keywords and extra phone lines to access the information superhighway at a retarded snail’s pace. Not only were the loading times as slow as an elderly Asian woman at the wheel, the login process was also excruciating. After enduring ten painstaking minutes of high-pitched noises that could only have come from a sexually assaulted beluga whale, you were finally on the web and could visit one of the three relevant websites that existed in these near-prehistoric times (Milf Hunter, 4 Life, ya’ll).

So how did this ancient form of Internet access prepare us for our modern day collegiate hijinks? We are the generation that the Internet has affected most of all. Never before has an entire nation of students had the ability to learn literally anything that has ever happened in an instant. Where an entire 28 volume set of encyclopedias once stood now sit keyboards and mice ready to tell you anything from Axl Rose’s high school mascot to the proper techniques for synthesizing LSD.

As we all know, the Internet is an amazing and limitless entity. But the youth of tomorrow will never realize the true beauty because they’ve never felt the soul draining agony of “surfing” the Internet with a 56k dial-up connection. Back then you didn’t actually “surf” the web. You sat on a raft and floated through the lazy river of Hotmails and horribly photoshopped naked Britney Spears pictures. While no one really knows the form the ever-changing interwebs might take in the future, we as survivors of the dial-up era will always recognize the technological miracle mankind has accomplished, and silently cheer with delight each time we find a useful citation on a Wikipedia page. What was once a barren wasteland with few useful stops, like the early wild west but with pedophiles instead of hostile Indians, is now a bustling metropolis of smut, knowledge, humor, and Craigslist casual encounters. Isn’t technology great?


The 90’s were a unique and confusing era for many as the success and general badassery of the 80’s (one of the greatest decades in human history) was replaced by enough grungy mediocrity to burn through a pair of JNCO jean shorts like acid. While the 90’s didn’t have much (read: anything) going for it, one blockbuster film stood above the muck to solidify itself as the highest grossing film of all time, James Cameron’s Titanic.

Titanic told the romantic story of two star crossed lovers destined to blah blah blah and then blah blah blah, he draws her tits, dies, and then a Celine Dion song comes on. Even trying to summarize the plot makes me want to fall into a deep and incurable coma. This movie was so miserably long and drawn out, that not one BUT TWO VHS tapes were required to foster James Cameron’s award winning steamy turd.

“So what did a shitty movie teach me about life, Mr. FratsLike? This sucks, go back to making lists,” You must be saying to yourself. I’ll tell you my friend. Titanic, as horrible and cheesy as it was, prepared us for one of the most unfortunate truths in life. As our ears bled in rhythm to the wailing moans of Celine Dion doing her best masturbating banshee impression, true enlightenment came to our young and supple minds. Sometimes in life you’re going to have to sit through three and a half hours of bullshit just to see a pair of tits.

Fruit Stripe Gum

Imagine that you have somehow miraculously gone back in time to return to your 9 year-old body. Sprint to the nearest grocery store and get lost in the excitement you feel scanning the limitless wall of candy lining the checkout line.

Suddenly, a tiny winking zebra, set on a backdrop of color and happiness, catches your eye. Your mom begrudgingly agrees to let you make the purchase and minutes later you are the proud owner of eight fresh slices of the one and only Fruit Stripe gum. You place the first pink rectangle on your tongue with delight as your mouth begins to explode with artificial fruit insanity. You chew and chew, each bite adding a new delicacy to the flavor orgasm slowly overtaking your brain. And then out of nowhere there is nothing; emptiness. The untamable flavor that mere seconds ago was short-circuiting your senses disappeared faster than Lebron James’ hairline. All that remains is a wad of flavorless putty rolling gently in your gums, providing literally no satisfaction of any kind.

In our modern world, there are many “Fruit Stripes” out there. They are the people who look great on paper or give an amazing first impression, but after time slowly deteriorate into the realm of complete worthlessness. Always make sure to take that fourth or fifth “chew” of a person to determine if they have lasting appeal, or deserve to be spat out at the first available opportunity.


“Gotta Catch ‘em All.” Through the years of our youth this catchy phrase could be found on video games, trading cards, movies, television, and even happy meal toys. Pokémon completely took the late 90’s world by storm, and if you didn’t at least dabble in the craze as a child you were probably the skid-marked kid that no one wanted to sit next to on the bus. While many thought that Pokémon was just a fun time-wasting distraction, they clearly didn’t see the deeper metaphor for life that the designers included in their tiny red and blue Gameboy cartridges.

For those that are 11, or were hidden under a boulder through most of their childhood, the original Pokémon game presented players with a simple choice: one of three tiny creatures to begin their video game journey. Little did we know as children that our choice of Pokémon would serve as a testament to our personalities forever.

In our dog eat dog capitalist society, it all comes down to one simple comparison. In this world when one faces a problem there are two types of people: some are Charmanders and some are Bulbasaurs (nobody cares about the shitty little turtle).
Charmanders are the kinds of people that can see a difficult scenario, but understand the potential gains and fight through adversity to achieve them. Like the poor little fire dinosaur for which they are named, Charmanders may struggle at first as they attempt to understand the best scenario for long term success. The Brocks and Mistys of the world will laugh as they struggle, but in due time their wings will bloom and true achievement becomes theirs for the taking.

On the other hand, we have the Bulbasaurs. Bulbasaurs see a problem, find the easiest and most immediate solution, and stick with it regardless of what the eventual consequences may be. While they may appear more intelligent from the onset with their initial success, their lack of foresight will become their ultimate demise. Bulbasaurs are often associated with powerful language such as “burn-out” or “underachieving piece of shit,” accusations that they clearly deserve.
While the Charmanders of the world will blossom and grow into giant badass fire
dragons, the Bulbasaurs will only become hideous flowery frog creatures, as their pursuits fail time and time again. Don’t be a Bulbasaur, my friends, because everyone knows there isn’t a rare candy cheat in the game of life.

  1. srat out of hell

    Is it wrong that when I first read the title I thought of my Easy Bake Oven?

    12 years ago at 2:14 pm
    1. better_than_you

      ^^The guy version was the Creepy Crawlers oven thing. Those were the good ol’ days…putting insects in the little oven and burning small animals with your wood burning tool.

      12 years ago at 2:39 pm
    2. holdin pee in for u

      ^Forgot all about the Creepy Crawlers. But really….where the fuck is the section on Legos?

      12 years ago at 2:51 pm
    3. thefratasticmrfox

      Legooooooooooooooooos. I miss that shit so much. Especially the star wars one. Yeah I went there.

      12 years ago at 3:13 pm
    4. better_than_you

      ^and^^. Hell ya, or nurf guns and super soakers haha. i didnt even touch on the other good shows like Salute your shorts and Are you afraid of the dark.

      12 years ago at 10:21 pm
    5. better_than_you

      ^and^^ Hell ya legos were the shit. Those and Super Soakers and Nerf guns. And other good shows were Salute your shorts, and Are you afraid of the dark.

      12 years ago at 10:22 pm
    6. better_than_you

      haha your a fine American. Ill let the fall plaedge class take them for me in a few weeks. But really, those were the good ol days. These younger kids aint had nothing like that to grow up on.

      12 years ago at 10:30 pm
    7. RisingFratstarOfTX

      ^ Amen, brother. Have you seen some of the fucking kids shows on nowadays? I swear, if I see a promo for another shitty cartoon that looks like a bad acid trip crossed with a pedophile’s wet-dream, I’m going to have a goddamn anger stroke.

      12 years ago at 12:20 pm
    8. Wayne Fratsky

      ^Oh yeah, those *pledges will also be watching you take some laps. Seriously, given a laps pass, and squanders it while thanking the kind bastard that bestowed it upon you. You sir, make me sick.

      12 years ago at 12:20 pm
  2. Frat A Hayek

    No one cares about the shitty little turtle? I’ll take the fucking reptile-tank with a machine gun on his back. Prol.

    12 years ago at 2:18 pm
    1. LateNightFratStar

      Squirtle was Frat as Fuck. He rocked croakies behind those big-ass shades of his. TFTC.

      12 years ago at 2:27 pm
    2. YouCanCallMeBro

      Unlike most pokemon, Blastoise clearly knew his second amendment rights and exercised them to the fullest. You tell me that’s not frat, sir, and I’ll call you a liar and a fink.

      12 years ago at 2:38 pm
    3. TKEpledge

      Blastoise is only the best if you don’t consider newer pokemon added in recent years. I can think of 10 that would whoop his ass.

      12 years ago at 2:48 pm
    4. FairwayFreddy

      pokemon died after they created the billion new monsters there is now. The classics were what brought pokemon into success. And the fact that you are still following pokemon enough to know several by name makes you sound like a douche

      12 years ago at 3:00 pm
    5. CaseyAtTheFrat7

      ^^The fact that you actually knew of 10 newer pokemon that could “whoop his ass”. NF

      12 years ago at 3:02 pm
    6. BossMan DubC

      Not only was Blastoise TFTC. but the phrase “shitty little turtle” has bad connections bordering on insulting the TMNT. Which were, for the most parts, a four man Frat in of themselves; and speaking about 2nd ammendment rights. The original Power Rangers. Boom.

      12 years ago at 3:13 pm
    7. Fraternity Lifestyle

      First of all, Squirtle was the best starter. Second of all, Pokemon started the downfall when the second round of new characters popped up. Gold and Silver was great, but the next “generation”, if you will, (too lazy to look the names up) started the downfall.

      Third of all, I’ll rip anyone to shreds on a good ol’ game of Pokemon Stadium

      12 years ago at 4:09 pm
    8. pkp896

      Fuck yeah squirtle was the best choice hands down, but after I got hitmonchan, I used that mother fucker to punch every sum’ bitch that challenged me to a battle when blastoise’s bazooka toting ass couldn’t handle it

      12 years ago at 11:02 pm
    9. BrosNtoes

      Considering it was retarded to have more than one of the same type of pokemon in your lineup at once (like having 2 water types), picking squirtle was the poorest choice since there were more water types by far than any other. Id take a gyarados or a poliwrath anyday. And any of you who pretend you dont remember who those pokemon are either have goldfish memories or are fucking tryhards. Don’t be afraid to embrace your childhood

      12 years ago at 12:17 pm
  3. TrickleDown

    Fuck all y’all. Blastoise was clearly frat as fuck. Hydro pumping bitches and overall giving zero fucks.

    12 years ago at 2:21 pm
    1. the fratness monster

      ^ Team Rocket allowing women. NF.

      ^^ Blastoise using hydropump and the bubblebeam maneuver you get from Misty on shitty opponents. TFM.

      12 years ago at 3:25 pm
  4. Furious George

    George Bush- So we can all learn what happens when rednecks are allowed to vote.

    12 years ago at 2:21 pm
    1. southerncostas

      Obama – So we can all learn what happens when the inner-city tribal folk vote.

      12 years ago at 2:30 pm
    2. FratinaHat

      @Furious George- Say that to any of the SEAL Team 6 members and they will simultaneously kick you GDI, Liberal, ignorant, feminist, TSM posting ass. He didn’t do shit but sit on a desk.

      12 years ago at 2:47 pm
    3. Danny Devitbro

      Fratinahat, how could you say that -or anything- to any Seal Team 6 member? Their identies are a secret.

      12 years ago at 11:27 pm
    4. Keystone Killer

      Who the hell let some liberal pussies on this website. You have got to be kidding me. If Obama was president when 9/11 happened, we all know he would’ve most likely apologized and tried to say sorry for insulting their people. Let’s all vote socialism 2012. I love giving my money to drug-addicted welfare recipients.

      12 years ago at 12:40 am
    5. Rutherford B_Haze

      ^^ who is socialism? I thought we were supposed to vote for Kony in 2012.

      12 years ago at 1:46 pm
  5. anon7472974648

    “Grungy mediocrity…while the 90’s didn’t have much going on for it”

    How dare you slam 90s music, sir. Apparently, you’re forgetting that, no matter how much Peter loved her, what made the Pan refuse to grow was that the hook brings you back.

    12 years ago at 2:23 pm
    1. Furious George

      Hey MSU grad, I ordered my pizza like half an hour ago, why aren’t you in the kitchen

      12 years ago at 2:46 pm
    2. Wayne Fratsky

      Furious George and TKEsploodge are incahoots? It all makes sense now. Move to ban all TKE from TFM.

      12 years ago at 12:28 pm
    3. Grandview

      Jparks I heard MSU goes hard. and for everyone else I saw the stripe gum semi the other day on the interstate.

      12 years ago at 4:04 pm
  6. Harpoons

    You can also go into the trading card aspect. If you were a smart kid in business terms, you typically had the most cards and made the trades most beneficial to yourself. Free market trading as kids, FaF.

    12 years ago at 2:24 pm
    1. CaseyAtTheFrat7

      Convincing that one kid to trade one of your shitty cards for their really good card. TFM

      12 years ago at 2:42 pm
    2. BossMan DubC

      The 90’s.
      Teaching children Capitalism with pokemon.
      2nd Ammendment rights with TMNT and Power Rangers.
      (also with Power Rangers, racism and the diffrence between a potential Frat member and a GDI)
      How to tell the diffrence between a slam and your future wife with Saved by the Bell and Boy Meets World.
      Creating a Win or get the fuck out of my way mentality with Game shows and Super NES.
      and most importantly, instilling a FAF mentality with old cartoon shows like Hey Arnold, Pete and Pete, Are you Afraid of the Dark, and others.

      12 years ago at 3:21 pm
    3. Harpoons

      ^^ Well said, BossMan.
      ^^^ And to Casey, manipulating geedy kids and reaping benefits was always fun.

      12 years ago at 3:43 pm
    4. ThoughtThereforeFrat

      I always had a huge crush on Clarissa from Clarissa Explains it all.

      12 years ago at 4:21 pm
    5. Kappa_Swigma

      Got the holographic Charizard in my first pack of cards. The next day of school I was nearly eaten alive by random kids I was showing it off to. Charizard gave the same effect as bath salts in Miami dammit!

      12 years ago at 9:18 am