50 Ways To Be The Perfect College Girlfriend


1. Be younger than us.

2. Enjoy whiskey.

3. Be able to shotgun a beer at a reasonable pace.

4. Handle your alcohol.

5. Don’t be an emotional drunk.

6. There’s nothing less sexy than insecurity. Except maybe love handles.

7. Make us work for it. But only a little bit.

8. Be nice to our pledges…just not TOO nice.

9. Hook our friends up with your friends.

10. Understand the rules of football.

11. Don’t be clingy.

12. Be someone we’d want to hang out with sober.

13. Don’t have annoying friends.

14. You don’t have to like beer, but at least tolerate it.

15. Have an attractive mother. Trust me, it’s important.

16. Don’t rush the initial “girlfriend” talk.

17. Have a fake ID.

18. It should go without saying, but be in a sorority.

19. Bake us something from scratch.

20. Don’t look like you just rolled out of bed in class.

21. Help us study (read: sell us your or your friends’ adderall).

22. Nurse us back to health on Sunday mornings.

23. Don’t go through our phones. We might not have anything to hide but we still fucking hate it.

24. If you choose to wear heels, don’t complain to us when they’re uncomfortable.

25. We don’t need to know the specifics of your period. A simple warning will do.

26. Keep your rabid insatiable love for Luke Bryan to yourself, and off of our iPhones.

27. Never ask us to watch “Magic Mike” with you. It isn’t going to happen.

28. Eventually we’re going to ask you for a threesome. Either accept or divert our attention with a blowjob. No tantrum necessary.

29. Before you do anything, ask yourself “Would a psychopath do this?”

30. Don’t make our brothers hate you.

31. Warn us if you’ve hooked up with one of our fraternity brothers.

32. Don’t expect us to take you on 8 dates a week.

33. Make sure our dog likes you.

34. Keep your downstairs tidy.

35. Remember that you’re our girlfriend, not our mother.

36. If we stop texting you, assume we’re just asleep until we’ve given you reason to think otherwise.

37. Unless we bring her up, don’t talk about our ex-girlfriend.

38. Don’t talk about your ex-boyfriend, unless it’s to tell us how much better we are.

39. If you ask us how many people we’ve had sex with, you can’t get mad at the answer. Ignorance is bliss.

40. Lie about how many people you’ve had sex with.

41. Make sure our formal cooler doesn’t look like a five year-old fingerpainted it.

42. We hate condoms, and everyone hates abortions. You’re a grown up now, it’s time to get on the pill.

43. Look good naked.

44. Realize #43 applies to the entire relationship, not just the beginning.

45. We will never be Channing Tatum. Deal with it.

46. Morning blowjobs.

47. Afternoon blowjobs.

48. Evening blowjobs.

49. Did I mention blowjobs?

50. Be spontaneous. Refer to #46-49 for ideas.

    1. Will Ferrell

      “Suck his dick, play with his balls, fix him a sandwich…and don’t talk so damn much”

      7 years ago at 8:28 pm
    2. The Sixth Year

      As Chris Rock said, men needs three things – food, sex, and silence – “Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up.”

      7 years ago at 10:37 am
    3. justwannabecute4u

      dude i feel you. it’s like why can’t i just fuck my mom right? how hard is it to find a girl who will treat you like you’re still 5 AND pretend my dick satisfies her. like i banged this chick last night and she started like talking about intelligent shit you know? and i was like BITCH please stop talking before i admit that you’re way smarter than me and i realize i’m dense as fuck and my only identity is the friends i pay for.

      4 years ago at 11:08 am
  1. Wheres the pledge

    Pretty sure this should be posted on TSM as this doesn’t pertain to any of us.

    7 years ago at 1:42 pm
    1. GreekasinEtchnicity

      ^ If every girl you know is too stupid to know how to work the internet, then you’re equally stupid for being able to deal with that much stupidity.

      7 years ago at 2:07 pm
    2. WtF_

      ^^^That’s actually a good point, it should probably be on the list (51. Don’t be retarded. Acting dumb was ok when we were 15, no one old enough to vote wants their girlfriend to be a complete moron, unless they too are a moron.) but I’m pretty sure it was a joke, so… calm down there, bro.

      7 years ago at 8:02 pm
  2. The Sixth Year

    29. Before you do anything, ask yourself “Would a psychopath do this?”

    Hahahahahahaha. God, honestly girls, do not overlook this.

    7 years ago at 1:43 pm
      1. Fratsper

        Fuck the office

        Btw friend the most psychopathic people in the world are also the most succesful

        So fuck you

        4 years ago at 4:14 am
  3. justthetiptfm

    hey can i work for total frat move? i make lists.

    1. haze the balls off the intern
    2. beat dorn in golden tee
    3. steal the new TFM sign
    4. have lots of sexy sex because i work at TFM

    thanks for your consideration

    your pal,

    just kidding fuck you

    7 years ago at 1:44 pm
  4. Teddy Brosevelt

    I’m starting to think SFPL puts all of these lists out to show how proud of himself he is that he can count past ten…

    7 years ago at 1:48 pm
  5. Fstar

    I actually really like Luke Bryan…and I may or may not have watched Magic Mike…alone

    7 years ago at 1:58 pm