50 Ways To Be The Perfect College Girlfriend
1. Be younger than us.
2. Enjoy whiskey.
3. Be able to shotgun a beer at a reasonable pace.
4. Handle your alcohol.
5. Don’t be an emotional drunk.
6. There’s nothing less sexy than insecurity. Except maybe love handles.
7. Make us work for it. But only a little bit.
8. Be nice to our pledges…just not TOO nice.
9. Hook our friends up with your friends.
10. Understand the rules of football.
11. Don’t be clingy.
12. Be someone we’d want to hang out with sober.
13. Don’t have annoying friends.
14. You don’t have to like beer, but at least tolerate it.
15. Have an attractive mother. Trust me, it’s important.
16. Don’t rush the initial “girlfriend” talk.
17. Have a fake ID.
18. It should go without saying, but be in a sorority.
19. Bake us something from scratch.
20. Don’t look like you just rolled out of bed in class.
21. Help us study (read: sell us your or your friends’ adderall).
22. Nurse us back to health on Sunday mornings.
23. Don’t go through our phones. We might not have anything to hide but we still fucking hate it.
24. If you choose to wear heels, don’t complain to us when they’re uncomfortable.
25. We don’t need to know the specifics of your period. A simple warning will do.
26. Keep your rabid insatiable love for Luke Bryan to yourself, and off of our iPhones.
27. Never ask us to watch “Magic Mike” with you. It isn’t going to happen.
28. Eventually we’re going to ask you for a threesome. Either accept or divert our attention with a blowjob. No tantrum necessary.
29. Before you do anything, ask yourself “Would a psychopath do this?”
30. Don’t make our brothers hate you.
31. Warn us if you’ve hooked up with one of our fraternity brothers.
32. Don’t expect us to take you on 8 dates a week.
33. Make sure our dog likes you.
34. Keep your downstairs tidy.
35. Remember that you’re our girlfriend, not our mother.
36. If we stop texting you, assume we’re just asleep until we’ve given you reason to think otherwise.
37. Unless we bring her up, don’t talk about our ex-girlfriend.
38. Don’t talk about your ex-boyfriend, unless it’s to tell us how much better we are.
39. If you ask us how many people we’ve had sex with, you can’t get mad at the answer. Ignorance is bliss.
40. Lie about how many people you’ve had sex with.
41. Make sure our formal cooler doesn’t look like a five year-old fingerpainted it.
42. We hate condoms, and everyone hates abortions. You’re a grown up now, it’s time to get on the pill.
43. Look good naked.
44. Realize #43 applies to the entire relationship, not just the beginning.
45. We will never be Channing Tatum. Deal with it.
46. Morning blowjobs.
47. Afternoon blowjobs.
48. Evening blowjobs.
49. Did I mention blowjobs?
50. Be spontaneous. Refer to #46-49 for ideas.
ha. My girlfriend does all of this! Minus the blow jobs because, well, we’re lesbians. I’m a lucky girl 🙂
11 years ago at 11:43 pm51. Let us PIITB whenever we want.
9 years ago at 8:08 pmDidn’t think people like this actually existed. What are you, an evil cartoon character?
9 years ago at 11:51 amDidn’t know people like you actually exist. What are you, an evil cartoon character?
9 years ago at 11:57 amTerrible Article, completely misogynistic (women aren’t here to serve you, pigs). Also the girls in the pictures are about 16. I went to HS with them. Stop being creepy.
9 years ago at 4:26 pmThis was cringey
9 years ago at 9:05 pmThis is one of the most disgusting posts i have ever seen. Men now think it’s acceptable to treat women like shit because of posts like this. Clearly you haven’t met an actual woman yet if this is your fucking expectation. You’re in a frat to mask your own insecurities (small penis) and how would you feel if someone treated your mom or sisters like this? Once you are out of college you aren’t going to have the insecure frat groupies hanging around your house every weekend for parties and free shit, there are going to be actual women who are strong and independent who don’t put up with bullshit like this from guys who are assholes and don’t know how to treat a woman. This makes me absolutely sick and ashamed that men like you act this way. Where did you learn to treat a woman like this? You do not own her, you are equals. You fucking piece of shit.
9 years ago at 11:08 pmwtf….i bet you’re one of those “totes EMPOWEEEEEEREEEEED” types…they always go on about being independent but when you listen to how they react to stuff like this you can always sense the disappointment in not being “taken care of” or “treated lovingly” or some crap…Most guys are like that…the ones that aren’t,the “nice ones” don’t act like it because they can’t (i.e. they’re fat and ugly and wimpy and have nothing going for them and they know they can’t get away with it)…instead of being so “offended” about it, how about you embrace reality a little?No ones forcing you to do anything on that list- heck you’d have to be the most retarded skank on the planet to even consider it
9 years ago at 10:33 amI think it was funny to read but honestly there are some crazy girls out there. You don’t tell anyone but your buddies about the time you got head riding home from to a party while your friend was in the back banging his date’s lights out, but it happened. And it’s probably not the craziest thing you experienced in college.
I’d hope this article is just a joke as it is the kind of thing that is generally posted here. You can’t really take it too serious.
8 years ago at 12:48 amI didn’t think a single person read this without understanding that it’s supposed to be funny, ironic, and in no way serious.
Until now. You’re on TFM, not Business Insider. This is not a serious article.
8 years ago at 9:24 pmIf we’re equals, then why is it so easy to push her head down and gag her?
8 years ago at 5:35 pmwhat the fuck is wrong with you? who the hell raised you to say something like that.
8 years ago at 12:37 pmFuck you and the 19th amendment
8 years ago at 4:11 amNo fuck you and your dad
8 years ago at 12:41 pmThis list just gives people false expectations. Find me one girl that hits every number on this list, and if you do, she’s probably an ex-dude.
9 years ago at 7:50 pm50 things to say to a girl that will ensure you never have sex again
8 years ago at 9:54 pmI would love to see how these guys react when they get out of college and all these college girls they’re dating disappear and only real women are left. A real woman will laugh in your face if she thought this is what you expected of her.
8 years ago at 9:07 amGrow up. Grow a pair. And maybe work out that right hand, because you’ll be needing this if you’re expectations are this ridiculous.