50 Ways To Be The Perfect College Girlfriend
1. Be younger than us.
2. Enjoy whiskey.
3. Be able to shotgun a beer at a reasonable pace.
4. Handle your alcohol.
5. Don’t be an emotional drunk.
6. There’s nothing less sexy than insecurity. Except maybe love handles.
7. Make us work for it. But only a little bit.
8. Be nice to our pledges…just not TOO nice.
9. Hook our friends up with your friends.
10. Understand the rules of football.
11. Don’t be clingy.
12. Be someone we’d want to hang out with sober.
13. Don’t have annoying friends.
14. You don’t have to like beer, but at least tolerate it.
15. Have an attractive mother. Trust me, it’s important.
16. Don’t rush the initial “girlfriend” talk.
17. Have a fake ID.
18. It should go without saying, but be in a sorority.
19. Bake us something from scratch.
20. Don’t look like you just rolled out of bed in class.
21. Help us study (read: sell us your or your friends’ adderall).
22. Nurse us back to health on Sunday mornings.
23. Don’t go through our phones. We might not have anything to hide but we still fucking hate it.
24. If you choose to wear heels, don’t complain to us when they’re uncomfortable.
25. We don’t need to know the specifics of your period. A simple warning will do.
26. Keep your rabid insatiable love for Luke Bryan to yourself, and off of our iPhones.
27. Never ask us to watch “Magic Mike” with you. It isn’t going to happen.
28. Eventually we’re going to ask you for a threesome. Either accept or divert our attention with a blowjob. No tantrum necessary.
29. Before you do anything, ask yourself “Would a psychopath do this?”
30. Don’t make our brothers hate you.
31. Warn us if you’ve hooked up with one of our fraternity brothers.
32. Don’t expect us to take you on 8 dates a week.
33. Make sure our dog likes you.
34. Keep your downstairs tidy.
35. Remember that you’re our girlfriend, not our mother.
36. If we stop texting you, assume we’re just asleep until we’ve given you reason to think otherwise.
37. Unless we bring her up, don’t talk about our ex-girlfriend.
38. Don’t talk about your ex-boyfriend, unless it’s to tell us how much better we are.
39. If you ask us how many people we’ve had sex with, you can’t get mad at the answer. Ignorance is bliss.
40. Lie about how many people you’ve had sex with.
41. Make sure our formal cooler doesn’t look like a five year-old fingerpainted it.
42. We hate condoms, and everyone hates abortions. You’re a grown up now, it’s time to get on the pill.
43. Look good naked.
44. Realize #43 applies to the entire relationship, not just the beginning.
45. We will never be Channing Tatum. Deal with it.
46. Morning blowjobs.
47. Afternoon blowjobs.
48. Evening blowjobs.
49. Did I mention blowjobs?
50. Be spontaneous. Refer to #46-49 for ideas.
I created an account just for y’all! How nice. You are all disgusting, selfish and immature. I’m appalled.
9 years ago at 1:05 amWe’re all aware this is a joke. Nonetheless, the fact that there are 20-23 year old boys (not men) walking around soliciting this kind of message is sickening.
9 years ago at 1:09 amI couldn’t bring myself to read through this whole piece of trash because I was already cringing after the first ten.
9 years ago at 11:07 amIt’s a real shame to see sexism so deeply rooted in this author that he can so proudly try to demean women.
Really, you’re demeaning yourself and indicating the degeneration of intellect among your peers.
Bottom line: this article is an embarrassment to the human race and I’m ashamed that it even exists.
To you, author, I have nothing more to say.
To you, reader, if you agree, please comment to show your opposition.
We need more voices against this tier of objectification and discrimination.
First of all, this article was filled with such douchebaggery, I thought this was satirical. You can imagine my dismay when it was not a joke. So in response, here’s my list of equally stupid, unreasonable, and pig-headed ways to be a perfffffecf boyf
1. Handle your alcohol (you boys get just as piss drunk as girls do, if not more)
2. Don’t be an emotional drunk (you guys punch shit every time you’re drunk, I promise the wall did nothing)
3. There’s nothing less sexy than insecurity, except maybe the beer gut you acquired while trying to impress your frat bros
4. Please don’t hook your dumbass friends up with my beautiful and amazing friends
5. Don’t be clingy. Don’t triple text me
6. Be someone we’d want to hangout with sober. Don’t be a completely different person sober than you are drunk
7. Don’t have annoying, douchebag friends
8. Have an attractive father. Trust me, it’s important
9. Be 21
10. For the love of God, don’t be in the douchebag frat
11. Make us a whole dinner…from scratch
12. Buy me alcohol
13. Be rich
14. Don’t wear sweatpants everywhere you go
15. Don’t wear sweatpants with sperrys
16. Don’t wear your highschool letterman jacket as a junior in college
17. Buy me flowers and chocolate every week
18. Don’t be a pussy, hangovers go away in a few hours
19. Be well endowed
20. Be tall
21. Be smart
22. Be a doctor
23. Be perfect
24. Have abs
25. Sing like an angel
26. Dance like Chris brown
27. Be a world traveler and entrepreneur
28. Be sensitive but not too sensitive
29. Be British or Australian or something with a cool accent
30. Eventually were gonna ask you to watch some instructional sex videos because you’re just not getting the job done. No tantrum necessary
31. Don’t make my friends hate you
32. Don’t be a fuckboy
33. Manscape
34. We hate condoms, but we hate getting STDs more sooooooooooo grow up or commit to a relationship if you don’t want to use condoms
35. Look good naked
36. Realize the last rule applies to the whole relationship not just the beginning
37. Be good in bed
38. Last long in bed
39. We will never be Megan Fox. Deal with it
40. Go down on us in the morning
41. Go down on us in the afternoon
42. Go down on us in the evening
43. Be spontaneous. Refer to #40-42
44. Don’t cheat on me with my best friend
AND
45. Stop writing idiotic articles that put insane expectations on women. The double standard bullshit is really getting old.
Just imagine a boy saying the stuff in this article to your sister or your mom or a woman you actually respect.
9 years ago at 11:09 pmDouble standard? Have you forgotten the few that are actually up to par? Why shouldn’t you be?
9 years ago at 4:30 amIt is satirical…
9 years ago at 7:43 pmThis is so misogynistic it’s actually crazy. I saw this on my Facebook and was just completely floored. The double standards here are insane. Please stop perpetuating sexism, it’s not funny at all.
9 years ago at 9:36 pmI hope that you have many, many children. And I pray that they are all daughters.
8 years ago at 5:51 pmLol this is the most disrespectful, disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. Real women don’t have the desire to date filthy fraternity boys who have shoved their dicks into every hole they could find, drink the cheapest, most shitty alcohol, and can’t afford to take their girlfriend on a proper date. You’re probably “peaking” in college and will be a pathetic little nobody with a fragile male ego when you graduate!
Also, since you like lists, I’m going to list all of the things I hate about this post:
1. You’re a douche
2. These should all apply to you as well. Get your ass to the gym-you better not gain any weight drinking all of that Natty Light!
3. Eat your girlfriend out morning, noon, and night. Did I mention going down on us?
4. Go back to the 1950s (or earlier). Degrading and objectifying women was more widely accepted back then. Did I mention we’re in 2017 and it’s no longer socially acceptable to act like a misogynistic, ape-like asshole?
5. You probably have a small penis.
6. Refer to #5.
I hope you’ve graduated college by now (seeing as this was written in 2013) and have grown some balls and changed your fucking attitude. But that’s probably wishful thinking. 🙂
8 years ago at 11:30 pmYou’re repulsive fuck you
8 years ago at 5:05 pmStraight men are terrifying oh my GOD. “Ask yourself ‘would a psychopath do this?'” Please ask yourself this question before you rape freshmen girls and punch holes in your wall because your girlfriend is a person outside of your existence! I’m so glad I’m gay holy SHIT
8 years ago at 6:47 pmAfter reading this article, I was totally enlightened and changed my entire life to be a better girlfriend candidate. But then I realized in SHOCK and HORROR that there wasn’t a helpful guide for men who want to be perfect boyfriends. So, inspired by this list, I wrote some advice for men. [disclaimer: this isn’t anti-men or anti-greek life, it’s just to make fun this one TFM article].
8 years ago at 4:25 am1. Be older than us. Yes, all of us (every single woman). If you aren’t, go back in time and be born earlier.
2. Enjoy tequila. This may involve changing your taste buds.
3. Be able to take a reasonable amount of shots. This is intimately important to our relationship.
4. Handle your alcohol. I don’t want to take care of you after the above mentioned shots I’m making you take.
5. Don’t be an emotional drunk. Again, it is like SO important that you get absolutely trashed but don’t experience any of the negative consequences of alcohol.
6. There’s nothing less sexy than insecurity. Except maybe un-toned muscles. I do expect you to look perfect (with TONED muscles) and if you don’t, even though I am making you feel worse about it right now, DO NOT BE INSECURE! Lol just change, you probably should look like Channing Tatum.
7. Make us work for it. But only a little bit. It is your responsibility to make us like you but I’m not going to put a ton of effort into this.
8. Be nice to our pledges…just not TOO nice. As my boyfriend you should probably meet all 50 or so members of my pledge class and be nice to them. For example, don’t haze them anymore than we already have but also don’t do anything that could possibly be considered flirting. Because being nice to someone is the same thing as saying that you want to have sex with them.
9. Hook our friends up with your friends. All 100 of my friends need to be set up on dates and it is now your responsibility to make that happen. I will personally blame you for each one that goes poorly.
10. Understand the rules of rugby. Just naturally understand them, I’m not going to bother explaining them.
11. Don’t be clingy. Be there to fill all my demands but clingy guys are SO unattractive.
12. Be someone we’d want to hang out with sober. (I don’t have anything to say about this except wow shouldn’t this just be implied for everyone in every context ever).
13. Don’t have annoying friends. Yes this is my definition of annoying (not yours) and YES I should control who you are friends with.
14. You don’t have to like wine, but at least tolerate it. I would rather you drink wine and hate it than drink another drink that you like. If you don’t drink alcohol you will never be a good boyfriend..
15. Have an attractive father. Trust me, it’s important. If your father isn’t attractive (or if you no longer have a father) either accept that you will never be a good boyfriend or be adopted into a family so that your father is very attractive. Channing Tatum would be a great choice as a new father for you.
16. Don’t rush the initial “boyfriend” talk. Nothing is worse than discussing our relationship like adults.
17. Have a fake ID. Even if you have already turned 21 (see #1).
18. It should go without saying, but be in a fraternity. This is intimately important to our relationship.
19. Bake us something from scratch. You aren’t a good boyfriend unless you know how to bake!
20. Don’t look like you just rolled out of bed in class. If you are running late for class, remember: your grades and success in college are less important than you looking good at all times for my benefit. Even though I am not in your classes, you should look good at all times just in case we bump into each other while walking or something.
21. Help us study (read: sell us your or your friends’ adderall). The treatment of you or your friends’ ADHD is less important than helping me abuse prescription drugs. And yes, even though I think your grades should suffer for my benefit (see #20) my grades are super important and as my boyfriend you are responsible for making sure I do well in school.
22. Nurse us back to health on Sunday mornings. Despite the fact that I expect you to drink a bunch of alcohol (specifically tequila and wine) I also expect you to not be hungover or just to deal with it so you can take care of me every time when I am hungover! If you usually go to a religious ceremony on Sunday mornings.. not anymore. You will be cooking me breakfast and fetching me Tylenol.
23. Don’t go through our phones. We might not have anything to hide but we still fucking hate it.
24. If you choose to work out for hours every day (note that I say choose even though I do require you to look perfect at all times for me) don’t complain when you are in pain.
25. We don’t need to know the specifics of your man-period. A simple warning will do. As your loving, caring girlfriend I will avoid you 4 days of every month while you’re on your man-period. I will not support you through any emotional or physical pain.
26. Keep your rabid insatiable love for Emma Watson to yourself, and off of our iPhones.
27. Never ask us to watch any movie that objectifies women with you. It isn’t going to happen. (This eliminates pretty much every movie ever. Maybe we can watch animated movies, Magic Mike and male gay porn?)
28. Eventually we’re going to ask you for a threesome with another dude. Either accept or divert our attention by eating us out. No tantrum necessary. Even if you don’t want to eat me out, do it. It’s either that or a threesome with another dude. If you don’t know a bisexual dude who would be into that, it is your responsibility to find him IMMEDIATELY (and he has to be smoking hot). If you aren’t bisexual and wouldn’t be into that, it is your responsibility to change your sexuality IMMEDIATELY. Otherwise, every time I bring it up you will have to eat me out until I forget about it. Don’t even consider getting upset about the fact I want to have sex with another dude and incessantly bring it up to you and insist that you’re ok with it.
29. Before you do anything, ask yourself “Would a psychopath do this?” If the answer is yes, don’t do it! Before peeing ask yourself: would a psychopath do it? They absolutely would! So hold your pee forever. And then ask yourself: would a psychopath try to hold their pee? They might. So you can’t do that either. And would a psychopath make light of a very serious mental disorder to try to control her boyfriend?……..
30. Don’t make our sisters hate you. Any of them.
31. Warn us if you’ve hooked up with one of our sorority sisters. Am I required to tell you everyone I’ve slept with from your frat? Lol no.
32. Don’t expect us to take you on 8 dates a week.
33. Make sure our dog likes you.
34. Keep your downstairs tidy. This means that a. even though you’re in college you should be able to afford a house that is at least 2 stories and b. despite the amount of time you have to put into doing all of my responsibilities for me (without being clingy) you should still constantly keep your place clean.
35. Remember that you’re our boyfriend, not our father. This may be hard to remember at times, especially when I am expecting you to cook for me and take care of me and do my chores and help me study.
36. If we stop texting you, assume we’re just asleep until we’ve given you reason to think otherwise. This is so if I cheat on you, you aren’t allowed to get suspicious. Don’t be a psychopath!
37. Unless we bring him up, don’t talk about our ex-boyfriend.
38. Don’t talk about your ex-girlfriend, unless it’s to tell us how much better we are. (It is your responsibility not to talk about your ex-girlfriends AND your responsibility not to talk about my ex-boyfriends. I can talk about whomever I want though).
39. If you ask us how many people we’ve had sex with, you can’t get mad at the answer. Ignorance is bliss.
40. Lie about how many people you’ve had sex with. (No double standard between this one and #39!!!!!) Also, lying is the key to a healthy relationship. Also also, this is to prevent fights but you should still tell me how many of my sorority sisters you’ve slept with (see #31?!)
41. Make sure our formal cooler doesn’t look like a five year-old fingerpainted it. Errr yeah, you’re in charge of making things for my sorority. Basically you’re less so my boyfriend and more like a servant.
42. We hate condoms, and everyone hates abortions. You’re a grown up now, it’s time to get on the man pill. Even if you get terrible side effects from it! Yes, even if the pill gives you depression, or reduces your ability to have sex, or if you can’t afford it, or if it severely impacts your physical health you should still take it so that we can feel more pleasure by not using a condom. STI prevention is not important. Birth control is totally your responsibility.
[Going off script here but can I just point out from the original that it is always the woman who is getting the abortion so maybe men shouldn’t complain about that?!]
43. Look good naked. Your physical appearance is the MOST important.
44. Realize #43 applies to the entire relationship, not just the beginning. Don’t get older or fatter like almost everyone does.
45. We will never be Emma Watson. Deal with it. Even though I expect you to look perfect at all times (see #6, 20, 43, 44) and even expect your father to be hot (see #15) and your bisexual male friend to be hot (see #28), you can’t have any expectations on how I should look.
46. Go down on us in the morning.
47. Go down on us in the afternoon.
48. Go down on us in the evening. Basically your entire life should revolve around pleasing me and don’t expect me to reciprocate.
49. Did I mention going down on us? Whether you want to or not, apparently.
50. Be spontaneous. Refer to #46-49 for ideas. Yes this counts as being spontaneous even though I am telling you what to do and expect you to do it all the time.
* In order to be the perfect boyfriend you must date only women (although you should be bisexual; see #28) and you must be in a fraternity and you must date women who are in sororities. If you have already graduated from college/didn’t go to college/aren’t interested in Greek life/ prefer dating men/ want equality in a relationship, you are not able to be a perfect boyfriend so that sucks.