7 Rule Changes That Would Make Soccer Popular in America

1. Alex Morgan Has to Play in Lingerie


Do I really need to explain why this would work? Alex Morgan is a sex goddess sent from heaven with the sole purpose of giving mankind hope that a female athlete can, in fact, be sexually appealing. Having Alex strip down to her skivvies would give Americans more than enough reasons to watch an otherwise miserably boring sport.

2. Flops Lead to Fights


One of the most frustrating parts of watching professional soccer is seeing the horrendous flops and the injuries players fake. You would think from the look on the face of that midfielder who took the dive that he tore every ligament in his right knee. But don’t worry, chances are he’ll be back to his creepily European self again in five minutes. He just has to make sure his fauxhawk didn’t get messed up when he fell down.

Implementing my favorite rule in hockey would solve this: fighting is “okay.” There would still be a punishment, specifically a yellow card. If you brush against a Spaniard’s ankle and he somersaults through the air in faux-pain, you should have the right to mercilessly beat his ass. He wouldn’t fake a foul again, and it would be absolutely awesome to watch. Also awesome? The newly created role of “soccer enforcer.” Remember that large, drunk, Scotsman screaming violent rape threats from the bleachers at every opposing player? Yeah, he’s on the field now, and he’s looking to fuck shit up. The tears and blood of Ronaldo will flow like a river.

3. A Shot Clock


It made basketball, originally one of the slowest paced, most boring sports on Earth, into the fast paced, high flying sport it is today. Why wouldn’t it work for soccer? Forcing players to take more shots would in turn lead to more goals and consequently more interest for Americans. It would simply involve adding another line, probably about ten or fifteen feet out from the box. Once inside the box, the shot clock starts. There’s also no offside rule once the ball is inside the box.

4. Slide Tackles are Encouraged


Football is a sport where the sole intention of the defense is to incapacitate the opposing players, and those defenders are paid handsome bounties salaries to do so. So why can’t soccer players occasionally make a wicked slide into the ankles of their foes? Slide tackles are admittedly fucking cool to watch, and every time I hear a whistle for slight ankle on ankle content I breathe a sigh of American disappointment. Let them go at it. If you’re a soft European worried about getting your ankles broken, then shut up and wear a brace, pussy. I’d still say that the tackles can’t be malicious, but the officials need to become FAR more lenient on the amount of contact allowed.

5. Have a Normal Goddamn Clock


Listen soccer fans, no one is buying your bullshit forward progressing clock system. Here in America, we have places to be, bacon to fry, and a multitude of other freedom related things to do, so we like to know when an event in question is about to end. The concept of “extra time” is utter crap. You could very easily just stop the clock during play to eliminate the common post 90th minute wondering of “When the fuck is this going to end?” That would definitely put an end to cowardly, completely infuriating flopping, like Ghana did against the U.S. in the last World Cup. Hey Ghana, nice move there, way to run out the clock you pussies. That’s why you’re fucking Ghana.

It’s a fairly simple request for soccer to make their clocks go backwards, like literally every other logical sport in the world. Adding a descending clock would add the excitement of last second shots and plays, something that both basketball and football benefit from immensely.

6. No Ties


Nothing is more disappointing than watching an entire athletic contest only for it to end in a tie. Here in America we have winners and losers, and our sports should reflect as much. If the game is tied at regulation, go to a shootout. Soccer shootouts are one of the few redeeming qualities of the sport, and to deny viewers of that simple 15-minute pleasantry is a crime. By eliminating the “completely acceptable tie” policy, viewers would never get the feeling they wasted the shit out of their time after watching an entire game stuck in a 0-0 stalemate.

No more ties would also mean no more teams playing for ties. Is there anything more pussy than a team actually not wanting to win? Case and point: the 2010 World Cup game between the U.S. and Algeria. The Algerians HAD to win to have a chance of advancing past the group stage. What did they do? They played for a tie the entire game just to try and prevent Team USA from advancing. A tactic so infuriatingly bitchy that it’s unfathomable to American sports fans. Luckily Landon Donovan is an American fucking hero, and Algeria is still Algeria.

7. Add Cheerleaders


If there’s one thing great about American sports, it’s the fact that we place the women on the sidelines in skimpy outfits solely for our viewing pleasure. If soccer adapted this simple technique, I’m sure unbridled American support would follow close behind. Just think of the potential Brazilian Cheerleaders could have.

    1. northern dough

      SEC! SEC! SEC!
      from wikipedia:

      41 Louisiana Red $42,492 $43,733 $40,926 $37,943
      42 South Carolina Red $42,442 $44,625 $43,329 $40,822
      43 Montana Red $42,322 $43,654 $43,531 $38,629
      44 Tennessee Red $41,725 $43,614 $42,367 $40,676
      45 Oklahoma Red $41,664 $42,822 $41,567 $40,001
      46 Alabama Red $40,489 $42,666 $40,554 $38,473
      47 Kentucky Red $40,072 $41,538 $40,267 $38,466
      48 Arkansas Red $37,823 $38,815 $38,134 $37,420
      49 West Virginia Red $37,435 $37,989 $37,060 $37,227
      50 Mississippi Red $36,646 $37,790 $36,338 $35,261

      The south will rise again!

      bahaha sure thing you stupid fucks.

      12 years ago at 8:14 pm
    2. NotAGDI

      Establishing my career up north to take advantage of your higher pay scale, make a lot of money, and then bringing all of my money down south. tfm.

      12 years ago at 8:59 pm
    3. ExpelledbyNationals

      West Vagina was the pussy part of the state that wouldn’t secede, so sorry, but that counts for the north as well. The north is full of AIDS and cargo shorts.

      Also, the fact that you want to discuss finances in public would tend to indicate that you wouldn’t be welcome in genteel society in the south. So sorry, Northern Dough, but you prove the old truism that money “don’t make good people.”

      12 years ago at 10:20 pm
    4. futureleader14

      ^^GDI, that is not how it works. You still have to pay higher living expenses because other people get higher wages, too. Also, that sounds like a TM.exicanM, working up north and sending the money south.

      12 years ago at 10:23 am
    1. brogadishu_mile

      A no offsides rule would encourage more 1 on 1 matchups which would increase scoring by a ton. Offsides is NF.

      12 years ago at 3:08 pm
    2. fraternize

      if these changes were implemented, the fitness of soccer players would have to be beyond human capabilities. These changes would basically make soccer hockey on a huge-ass pitch with no line changes. By the 20th minute everybody would pass out

      12 years ago at 3:56 pm
    3. Trumper

      Without an offsides rule you’d get games that have 30+ goals. I’d watch that.

      12 years ago at 4:50 pm
    4. MrLeeAtwater

      Let’s be honest, soccer has no chance to be popular in America. Not when we have sports such as baseball, basketball, football, hockey and golf being played at levels higher than anywhere else in the world. Soccer is the only thing that those Euro-douches will have over America, and I can live with that.

      12 years ago at 10:54 pm
    5. alldayerrday

      Hey Mr Lee…soccer already as more average attendance than hockey, golf, and basketball…so it kind of is already more popular than half the sports you listed…

      12 years ago at 1:19 am
    6. Sparty

      alldayeveryday take a lap. last time I checked, its not that hard for a sport with triple the playing area and capacity to have higher attendance. The sad part is, if they didn’t give away soccer tickets for free at every grade school in America, none would go.

      12 years ago at 1:29 am
    7. FrataDelta

      ^^^^^^^^Probably the dumbest comment I’ve ever seen. I’m not pro soccer either, but that fact remains that their European soccer clubs are worth far more than any NFL team.

      12 years ago at 12:47 pm
    8. Sparty

      Last time I checked, I was free, so this must be America. I don’t know why Europe was brought into the argument or why attendance is the main determination of popularity. No shit that soccer is a valuable sport in Europe, they don’t have 4 professional sports leagues

      12 years ago at 8:24 pm
    1. fourtyone

      No, she does not have tits, but if you can look at the album from her naked photoshoot without getting a raging, patriotic erection with which you could penetrate a car door… you’re gayer than the volleyball scene from Top Gun.

      12 years ago at 12:49 pm
    2. Frat Blue Ribbon

      I’ll let a lot of things slide on this here interweb but don’t you dare go insulting Top Gun

      12 years ago at 8:55 pm
    1. Dennis Reynolds

      ^ This. Soccer is culturally un-American: no cheerleaders, no violence, too much hair gel.

      12 years ago at 1:49 pm
    2. fratanomics

      ^ Baseball traditionally has no cheerleaders (Korea and Japan have that right), but neither does soccer. Its violence level isn’t all that high either. You get bench clearing brawls occasionally, but those happen in soccer too.

      Don’t get me wrong, baseball is clearly more American than soccer, but you picked pretty much all the wrong reasons. No need to go beyond “we invented it and fucking dominate everyone” in it.

      12 years ago at 2:10 pm
    3. TheFertileTurtle

      Soccer is the best sport in the world to play….but i understand how it would be boring if you weren’t a player. I’m the same way with baseball. No matter how American it is, i can only bring myself to watch the World Series because otherwise it’s extremely boring.

      12 years ago at 2:17 pm
    4. Fraternity Lifestyle

      Pretty sure “TheFertileTurtle” is another way of saying Easy DZ, therefore she’s a girl…

      12 years ago at 10:07 pm
    5. Spuds

      Baseball is this great country’s past time, comparing it to soccer is just…well…un-American.

      12 years ago at 9:38 am
    1. fratmydickbitch

      There’s no better reaction to that goal than those 3 or 4 American’s in the crowd balling with joy after that goal was scored.

      12 years ago at 1:58 pm
    2. TrickleDown

      Sometimes I just gently stroke it that goal. Nothing too dirty, just a nice, gentle stroke.

      12 years ago at 2:01 pm
    3. Sir Slams a lot

      The casual rub down while watching America dominate a sporting event. FaF

      12 years ago at 2:04 pm
    4. OfficerAndAGentleman

      ^ All of these. Watching that goal is an easy way to clean out the semen.

      12 years ago at 8:12 pm
  1. maverick519

    Forgot to add “1 league”. There’s so many leagues you have no clue which one matters.

    12 years ago at 1:41 pm
    1. TheFertileTurtle

      Soccer, or Futbol(whatever), is truly an international sport. You seriously think having 1 league would be a good idea?

      12 years ago at 2:20 pm
    2. Guantanabro Bay

      Making others change because you’re too dumb or lazy to figure stuff out. FaF

      12 years ago at 7:44 pm
    3. Frat_Until_I_Die

      why do you need 1 league when you can just watch champion’s league? (best teams from all countries)

      12 years ago at 2:51 am