Dick Perry Of “Dick’s Picks” Found Dead In Bathtub Filled With Cocaine
Early Friday morning, Dick Johnson Perry was pronounced dead at his studio apartment in Austin, Texas. He is survived by his sister Ashley, mother Muffy, father Dick Senior and bloodhound Reagan. Pending investigation, cause of death is yet to be determined, but officers at the scene claim to have found his body in a bathtub filled with cocaine, gripping a gold-plated 9mm pistol in one hand, and his iPhone in the other, with the twitter app opened.
@dicks_picks just bought lube for your moms ears and asshole faggot
— Josh (@DrinkinUndeRAGE) October 18, 2012
Most recently, after promising followers they could have sexual intercourse with his sister if he didn’t achieve an undefeated record, Mr. Perry was on the run in a stolen black Tahoe, wielding an arsenal of unregistered firearms and a half-ounce of uncut Columbian powder. It is unclear when he returned to the apartment or how he ascertained enough cocaine to fill a bathtub, and the whereabouts of his sister are unknown.
“I ain’t never seen that much blow,” said the coroner, who asked to remain anonymous. “That boy must have had the tolerance of five, six NFL linebackers.”
Dick Perry was a hyper-niche, unappreciated YouTube sensation that captured upwards of 15,000 views on several videos, which consisted of him giving college football gambling tips, conspiring to commit murder, orchestrating sabotage, and eliciting unrequested sexual advice. Rumors of the cancellation of his video series on TotalFratMove.com after a season and a half coinciding with the mass pursuit of his sister’s vagina sent his life into a downward spiral. He claimed to model underwear for Calvin Klein, but research turned up only one picture that appears to be photoshopped. Below is his final video, with footage of him on the run from “hard-dicked frat guys.”
Ginger co-worker Allen was quoted saying, “He was my best friend, even when I walked in on him flogging my wife with a cat of nine tails and taking her from behind.”
Matt Barkley, USC quarterback, has been brought in for questioning, along with twenty-six Austin area bookies.
His wake will be held at Star Bar in Austin, Texas on Wednesday, October 24 at 10:00pm, and all in attendance are encouraged to rock a slick-back haircut in remembrance of the man no one knew or loved.
Yeahhhh no he wasn’t
12 years ago at 11:27 amOh you think?
12 years ago at 11:30 amI died when he yelled Barkley. Still fucking laughing.
12 years ago at 2:53 pmI feel like this is all setting up towards a cheesy ass version of Halloween Zombie Dick Picks
12 years ago at 12:19 am^ It will be a sad, sad day in TFM history if that happened
12 years ago at 7:16 amAnyone for blaming the terrorists?
12 years ago at 12:03 pmWe still get to bang his whole family if his picks are wrong right?
12 years ago at 11:29 amThe man’s dead. Show some goddamn respect.
12 years ago at 11:30 amYou people disgust me. #RIPDick
12 years ago at 11:34 amRIPDick sounds like a boner pill
12 years ago at 11:38 am^
12 years ago at 12:25 pmi’ll show him some respect. i’ll put the picture of him on his sisters nightstand face down.
12 years ago at 12:41 pmMy huge balls make my 3 incher look small. Now I’m 4.3 thanks to #RIPDick.
12 years ago at 9:44 pmDick’s only dead in the sense that he realized nobody wanted or needed his advice for gambling and therefore should stop doing those videos.
12 years ago at 10:03 amWSMFP
12 years ago at 11:29 amR.I.P. Dick Perry
Your picks were shit.
You can only feign actual knowledge of college football for so long…
12 years ago at 11:32 amWow, didn’t see this one coming.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NjgPDIeSXA
Watch the video and think of all the things Dick didn’t do.
12 years ago at 11:35 amAnnnd this is what you do when you’re too lazy to keep a video series going. “Kill” the star.
12 years ago at 11:36 amSo…..what happens with the leftover coke?
12 years ago at 11:36 amI get to keep it…for medical purposes
12 years ago at 11:41 amSo does this mean Dicks Picks is over? WTF
12 years ago at 11:38 amI know, right.
12 years ago at 12:06 pm^ There had better be another DP’s Christmas Special Edition.
12 years ago at 3:13 pmI can see it now… “Dick Perry, Rises From The Dead!”
12 years ago at 4:01 pm$20 he says he was in Venezuela banging bitches and getting coked up before returning to the U.S. with a fake passport. And we’ll all be subjected to his shit picks every week again.
12 years ago at 4:40 pmSooo who am I going to drink a beer with on 6th and discuss shitty picks each week now? Fuck.
12 years ago at 11:39 amDick pulling the classic heart stopping maneuver and avoiding jail time by faking his own death. It’s a TFM.
12 years ago at 11:40 am^
12 years ago at 12:27 pmBuster faking a coma so he didn’t have to testify against his father. RFM.
12 years ago at 3:52 pmIt’s a TFM? Thank you DeVry University.
12 years ago at 5:03 pm