Dick Perry Of “Dick’s Picks” Found Dead In Bathtub Filled With Cocaine

Early Friday morning, Dick Johnson Perry was pronounced dead at his studio apartment in Austin, Texas. He is survived by his sister Ashley, mother Muffy, father Dick Senior and bloodhound Reagan. Pending investigation, cause of death is yet to be determined, but officers at the scene claim to have found his body in a bathtub filled with cocaine, gripping a gold-plated 9mm pistol in one hand, and his iPhone in the other, with the twitter app opened.

Most recently, after promising followers they could have sexual intercourse with his sister if he didn’t achieve an undefeated record, Mr. Perry was on the run in a stolen black Tahoe, wielding an arsenal of unregistered firearms and a half-ounce of uncut Columbian powder. It is unclear when he returned to the apartment or how he ascertained enough cocaine to fill a bathtub, and the whereabouts of his sister are unknown.

“I ain’t never seen that much blow,” said the coroner, who asked to remain anonymous. “That boy must have had the tolerance of five, six NFL linebackers.”

Dick Perry was a hyper-niche, unappreciated YouTube sensation that captured upwards of 15,000 views on several videos, which consisted of him giving college football gambling tips, conspiring to commit murder, orchestrating sabotage, and eliciting unrequested sexual advice. Rumors of the cancellation of his video series on TotalFratMove.com after a season and a half coinciding with the mass pursuit of his sister’s vagina sent his life into a downward spiral. He claimed to model underwear for Calvin Klein, but research turned up only one picture that appears to be photoshopped. Below is his final video, with footage of him on the run from “hard-dicked frat guys.”

Ginger co-worker Allen was quoted saying, “He was my best friend, even when I walked in on him flogging my wife with a cat of nine tails and taking her from behind.”

Matt Barkley, USC quarterback, has been brought in for questioning, along with twenty-six Austin area bookies.

His wake will be held at Star Bar in Austin, Texas on Wednesday, October 24 at 10:00pm, and all in attendance are encouraged to rock a slick-back haircut in remembrance of the man no one knew or loved.

    1. Lone fratStar

      I feel like this is all setting up towards a cheesy ass version of Halloween Zombie Dick Picks

      12 years ago at 12:19 am
    1. OnePctGeed

      i’ll show him some respect. i’ll put the picture of him on his sisters nightstand face down.

      12 years ago at 12:41 pm
    2. TheCommodore

      My huge balls make my 3 incher look small. Now I’m 4.3 thanks to #RIPDick.

      12 years ago at 9:44 pm
    3. high kapp

      Dick’s only dead in the sense that he realized nobody wanted or needed his advice for gambling and therefore should stop doing those videos.

      12 years ago at 10:03 am
  1. nobama12557

    Annnd this is what you do when you’re too lazy to keep a video series going. “Kill” the star.

    12 years ago at 11:36 am
    1. Tallapoosa Snu

      $20 he says he was in Venezuela banging bitches and getting coked up before returning to the U.S. with a fake passport. And we’ll all be subjected to his shit picks every week again.

      12 years ago at 4:40 pm
  2. Daniel Ocean

    Sooo who am I going to drink a beer with on 6th and discuss shitty picks each week now? Fuck.

    12 years ago at 11:39 am
  3. Born Wearing Sperrys

    Dick pulling the classic heart stopping maneuver and avoiding jail time by faking his own death. It’s a TFM.

    12 years ago at 11:40 am
    1. Danny Devitbro

      Buster faking a coma so he didn’t have to testify against his father. RFM.

      12 years ago at 3:52 pm