IPA Beer Causes Man Boobs By Filling You With Estrogen, Which Explains Why Hipsters Are Pussies
If hipsters keep sipping IPAs, it will soon become difficult for them to look down on people through their non-prescription glasses as a growing set of massive man tits will obstruct their line of sight. A groundbreaking scientific reveal tells us India Pale Ales are threatening to rip the buttons off their leather vests and expose their ample male bosoms.
The news was broken by Munchies, which is the food branch of the VICE network, the bible of all things hipster. Notice how he starts the article with, “Not many people know this …”
From Munchies:
Not many people know this, but those hops in your favorite IPA are actually wonderful medicine for insomnia and menopause, thanks to their high phytoestrogen content. These same phytoestrogens, however, might be less desirable for men, as indicated by the common condition known among brewers as Brewer’s Droop.
Yes, you read that right: Hops are giving men man boobs.
Hipsters love IPAs. IPAs are extremely hoppy. Hops fills you with an estrogen-like compound. Hipsters are pussies. The world makes a little more sense.
This means if regular people drink IPAs, they run the risk of turning into hipsters. Don’t think it can’t happen to you. You’ll down a Lagunitas thinking, “Ah, this has way more flavor than a Bud Light.” Next thing you know, you’ll be knitting a sweater in the corner of the bar while your boy pokes your man boobs and asks for a glass of milk.
There you have it. The more you bring an IPA to your lips, the harder it will be to do so with all that extra tit meat restricting your arm movement. It’s best to steer clear of the substance all together.
On the other hand, ladies looking to graduate a cup size could really benefit from making the switch. Order an IPA, get bigger tits, then get free IPAs and even bigger tits..
[via Munchies]
Image via ” target=”_blank”>YouTube
Fuck.
10 years ago at 3:56 pmThis is fucking stupid and untrue. Go work for Buzzfeed Buscemi you fuck.
10 years ago at 4:00 pmYou love IPAs, don’t you? Explains why your name is cleavage.
10 years ago at 4:24 pmSo all Regester has to do is lay off the IPA and he will lose his estrogen bod?
10 years ago at 5:05 pmSome guy named Squints published an article saying that this wasn’t true over on PGP. Get you shit together, Grandex.
10 years ago at 4:03 pmThis article is so dumb. Excessive amounts of BL will give you man boobs just the same, and push you past the dad bod and into the beer gut.
10 years ago at 4:03 pmgood thing I can only afford Keystone light.
10 years ago at 4:10 pmFrio is where it’s at. 14.99 for a 30 pack.
10 years ago at 4:46 pmYou are the type of guy that wears tap out shirts aren’t you tacBro?
10 years ago at 5:22 pmOnly if they’re cut off to show my mad pecks, bruh.
10 years ago at 9:39 pmNot a fan of real hoppy beer anyway. I’ll stick with my yuengling
10 years ago at 4:13 pmIs this a continuation of the bud light party ad/”article”?
10 years ago at 4:14 pmYeah, it’s about as positive as Mother Teresa’s AIDS test.
10 years ago at 4:20 pmIf you still think IPA’s are for hipsters only, you need to stop drinking shitty beer and get with the picture. You can find Lagunitas anywhere Blue Moon or Heineken is available now days, which never used to be the case. I get it, once you start spouting IBU’s and other bullshit, you might be trying too hard, but there’s definitely a middle ground. I just can’t fucking stand the guys who think people who prefer “craft” beer to shitty, domestic, canned beer is a pussy. Get over yourself.
10 years ago at 4:27 pmYou havin’ some cramps? Maybe a hot flash here and there? Because you seem like you’re mad for no reason and “Get over yourself” is a total bitch line. Lol Maybe it’s all those IPAs idk.
10 years ago at 5:20 pmHEHE maybe bro! IDK either LOL
10 years ago at 5:31 pmShut your cunt of a mouth
10 years ago at 5:38 pmOh em gee. Found a new bestie. Live laugh love. <3
10 years ago at 5:42 pmAre you drinking a bud light lime in your avi?
10 years ago at 5:49 pmLandshark. It makes me dance like no one’s watching.
10 years ago at 5:54 pmLand shark taste like piss, and you are a boner.
10 years ago at 6:11 pmGot milk?
10 years ago at 5:23 pmBoosh,
10 years ago at 5:26 pmWhat does this mean for female hipsters? Will IPA turn A cup hipster chicks into mini-me Veronica Rucks?
Refer to the last paragraph.
10 years ago at 5:37 pmI’m pretty sure if I didn’t know you as Tuco_1855 and you didn’t know me as HonoraryMember, we’d definitely be bros, bro.
10 years ago at 8:11 pm1. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Hipsters don’t have a monopoly on craft beer. Believe it or not, every beer ever made before about 100 years ago was a craft beer, and even today people all over the world, hipster or not, drink good beer. Sure, there’s a few hipsters in San Diego and Denver that have their heads’ stuck pretty far up their own asses, but that shouldn’t dictate your behavior.. which leads me to my second point:
2. If you’re so insecure that you won’t drink craft beer because of some perceived “hipster” image, you’re probably a bigger pussy than the hipsters.
3. Cheap beer and craft beer do not have to be mutually exclusive. It is possible to enjoy filet mignon and also enjoy taco bell. They both have their time and place, and in their respective times and places, both are glorious. Not to mention, firmly embedding yourself in either camp will end up either really expensive or really disgusting.. and probably really unhealthy either way.
4. At some point you will have to grow up. Most adult men will at some point be socially expected to be capable of enjoying a good beer. Because why the hell not? It’s already “fratty” to spend money on nice clothes, golf clubs, cars, boats, vacations, women, scotch, food etc.. But spending money on nice beer is off limits.. because hipsters? I don’t get it. This isn’t to say that every now and then you can’t go full Clint Eastwood and pound 8 PBRs on your front porch while being super racist. I’m just saying there’s a middle ground.
10 years ago at 8:51 pmCompletely agree, and we’ve been on the same page on this for years now. So it’s “frat” to have an acquired taste for a specific top shelf scotch or a small batch bourbon of your choice, but you walk in with a sixer of imperial IPA’s and all the sudden you’re the smug asshole? I don’t understand.
I’ll be honest, when I was a freshman, you couldn’t pay me to slam a six pack of beer that bitter and strong, and I feel like a lot of people feel the same way, but rather than admit they can’t handle the taste, they take the route of “I don’t need that hipster shit, I’m perfectly ok face-fucking some natty’s, like a fucking man.”(Boosh). But everyone grows up. What sold me what the realization that I could drink 6 double IPA’s in an hour and get pretty drunk, instead of drinking twice the amount of bud light at half the ABV. It’s just a more efficient way to get drunk on beer, and once you’ve acquired the taste, it’s much more enjoyable as well.
10 years ago at 10:08 pmBlue Moon and Heineken aren’t IPA’s.
10 years ago at 10:52 pmI disagree with this article. Few things beat sipping Dogfish 90’s with Dad.
10 years ago at 4:31 pmTry 120 Minute. You won’t be disappointed.
10 years ago at 4:54 pmThe only problem is that Dogfish rarely brews and bottles it. I used to go to a bar that would sell aged 120 bottles for $15. Worth it.
10 years ago at 5:02 pm