Super Bowl XLVI: The GQ Cover Boy vs. Dumbface

The General13 years ago

Tom Brady. Eli Manning. Two men destined by the gridiron gods to faceoff in another Super Bowl that will profoundly impact the legacy they leave behind long after they retire. They both quarterback teams in the championship-spoiled northeastern United States, neither of them is balding, and this isn’t the first time they’ll have met on the ultimate sporting stage. In fact, both Eli and Tom have previously earned the honor of Super Bowl MVP. Despite all these similarities, these two pigskin prodigies and their diverging roads to success could not be more different.

Eli was taken as the 1st overall pick in the 2004 NFL draft. He has the most respected dumbface of any professional athlete. His “I don’t know what’s going on” expression makes Giants fans both uncomfortable and relaxed at the same time. When a receiver drops one of his passes he looks at him as if to say, “I am intoxicated, constipated and confused.” He wears big dumbass suits that don’t fit, combs his hair with his hand, and probably doesn’t wipe after he takes a shit.

Brady was drafted as the 199th pick in the sixth round of the 2000 NFL draft. He has the chiseled jawline and scruffy appearance of a douchey underwear model. For years he has been making women’s panties frothy by appearing in overtly metrosexual Stetson commercials, questionably gay UGG ads, and GQ photoshoots holding baby goats. His grooming patterns and fashion tendencies often replicate those of Hansel from Zoolander. Your girlfriend would break up with you for the chance to suckle his taint for a millisecond.

Eli is the epitome of “too frat to care,” and unlike lesser men whom the TFTC label is wasted on, he was actually in a fraternity (Sigma Nu) at Ole Miss. According to urban myth, he is rumored to have received a legendary blumpkin during his tenure as a Rebel. There has always been a substantial amount of pressure on him to succeed, because he comes from a family of celebrated QBs with father Archie and brother Peyton. But if he wins on Sunday he’ll have one more ring than his Hall of Fame shoo-in older brother, and he will no longer be considered “the other Manning” that constantly looks like he is in the process of sharting.

Brady is not too frat to care. He was not in a fraternity, and as a result, he cares. I don’t know shit about his dad or siblings so they’re probably normal and boring.

Both Eli and Brady are married to women that I would pay good money to fornicate with, but they took two completely different approaches to securing their brides. Eli went the traditional route and married his college slampiece, Abbie. He was either too lazy to see if he could bag a blonde swimsuit model, or figured his dumbface prevented him from doing any better. They had a baby girl in 2011 that will probably grow up to have a smoking hot body and permanently flabbergasted facial expressions. Brady locked down arguably the most famous supermodel in the universe, the Brazilian boner-inducing Gisele (pronounced jizz-el) Bundchen. They have a son who is rumored to have a howitzer in his Huggies. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tom and Giselle start an incestuous tradition much like the British Royal Family to insure their flawless bloodline isn’t altered by some peasant’s genetics.

Think about these two in a face-to-face stare down. Eli would be thinking, “Where am I? Who is this fucking guy?” Tom would be thinking, “This guy’s face is fucking dumb.” They just approach life from two totally different angles…Brady is the suave guy who wears tailored suits, while Eli grabs two random jackets off the Men’s Wearhouse 2-for-1 special rack and doesn’t bother to get them fitted.

Similarities and differences aside, they will faceoff on Sunday to compete for the most coveted trophy in all of sports, and it won’t be the first time. They previously met on Febuary 3, 2008 when Eli spoiled Brady’s perfect season and the Giants beat the Patriots 17-14. It was an instant classic, and probably one of the most memorable Super Bowl matchups of all time. We can only hope this next chapter in the battle between The GQ Cover Boy and Dumbface will be as epic as the last.