Super Bowl XLVI: The GQ Cover Boy vs. Dumbface

 

Tom Brady. Eli Manning. Two men destined by the gridiron gods to faceoff in another Super Bowl that will profoundly impact the legacy they leave behind long after they retire. They both quarterback teams in the championship-spoiled northeastern United States, neither of them is balding, and this isn’t the first time they’ll have met on the ultimate sporting stage. In fact, both Eli and Tom have previously earned the honor of Super Bowl MVP. Despite all these similarities, these two pigskin prodigies and their diverging roads to success could not be more different.

 

Eli was taken as the 1st overall pick in the 2004 NFL draft. He has the most respected dumbface of any professional athlete. His “I don’t know what’s going on” expression makes Giants fans both uncomfortable and relaxed at the same time. When a receiver drops one of his passes he looks at him as if to say, “I am intoxicated, constipated and confused.” He wears big dumbass suits that don’t fit, combs his hair with his hand, and probably doesn’t wipe after he takes a shit.

 

Brady was drafted as the 199th pick in the sixth round of the 2000 NFL draft. He has the chiseled jawline and scruffy appearance of a douchey underwear model. For years he has been making women’s panties frothy by appearing in overtly metrosexual Stetson commercials, questionably gay UGG ads, and GQ photoshoots holding baby goats. His grooming patterns and fashion tendencies often replicate those of Hansel from Zoolander. Your girlfriend would break up with you for the chance to suckle his taint for a millisecond.

 

Eli is the epitome of “too frat to care,” and unlike lesser men whom the TFTC label is wasted on, he was actually in a fraternity (Sigma Nu) at Ole Miss. According to urban myth, he is rumored to have received a legendary blumpkin during his tenure as a Rebel. There has always been a substantial amount of pressure on him to succeed, because he comes from a family of celebrated QBs with father Archie and brother Peyton. But if he wins on Sunday he’ll have one more ring than his Hall of Fame shoo-in older brother, and he will no longer be considered “the other Manning” that constantly looks like he is in the process of sharting.

 

Brady is not too frat to care. He was not in a fraternity, and as a result, he cares. I don’t know shit about his dad or siblings so they’re probably normal and boring.

 

Both Eli and Brady are married to women that I would pay good money to fornicate with, but they took two completely different approaches to securing their brides. Eli went the traditional route and married his college slampiece, Abbie. He was either too lazy to see if he could bag a blonde swimsuit model, or figured his dumbface prevented him from doing any better. They had a baby girl in 2011 that will probably grow up to have a smoking hot body and permanently flabbergasted facial expressions. Brady locked down arguably the most famous supermodel in the universe, the Brazilian boner-inducing Gisele (pronounced jizz-el) Bundchen. They have a son who is rumored to have a howitzer in his Huggies. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tom and Giselle start an incestuous tradition much like the British Royal Family to insure their flawless bloodline isn’t altered by some peasant’s genetics.

Think about these two in a face-to-face stare down. Eli would be thinking, “Where am I? Who is this fucking guy?” Tom would be thinking, “This guy’s face is fucking dumb.” They just approach life from two totally different angles…Brady is the suave guy who wears tailored suits, while Eli grabs two random jackets off the Men’s Wearhouse 2-for-1 special rack and doesn’t bother to get them fitted.

 

Similarities and differences aside, they will faceoff on Sunday to compete for the most coveted trophy in all of sports, and it won’t be the first time. They previously met on Febuary 3, 2008 when Eli spoiled Brady’s perfect season and the Giants beat the Patriots 17-14. It was an instant classic, and probably one of the most memorable Super Bowl matchups of all time. We can only hope this next chapter in the battle between The GQ Cover Boy and Dumbface will be as epic as the last.

    1. Lynchem

      “Aint won shit?” Really Mizzou really accepts anyone that has survived infancy.

      12 years ago at 8:50 pm
    1. James Frank Hopkins

      Putting millions on the Patriots and bond-numbering Brother Eli to purposefully lose. TFM.

      12 years ago at 9:07 pm
    2. FrattinSince1855

      ^^The guy makes close to $60,000 a day. He could add two decimal places to every purchase just for fun. Total1%Move.

      12 years ago at 3:42 am
    3. FratopianWetDream

      How do you expect the Giants to win… if they can’t even fit inside the stadium?!

      12 years ago at 4:56 pm
  1. David Simms

    The stuff about eli had me laughing the whole time. ” When a receiver drops one of his passes he looks at him as if to say, “I am intoxicated, constipated and confused.” “

    12 years ago at 8:46 pm
    1. Boratfrat

      “They had a baby girl in 2011 that will probably grow up to have a smoking hot body and permanently flabbergasted facial expressions”

      12 years ago at 8:55 pm
    2. Paul Hazinger

      Credit for “dumbface” should go to BaD Radio 1310 the Ticket Dallas, as they were the first to coin this great term.

      12 years ago at 3:31 am
    3. Hadrian

      Too bad Randy Galloway officially quit calling Eli “Dumbface” on air after the Giants won the division this year. I’m going to miss that.

      12 years ago at 4:43 pm
  2. Trumper

    I once fingered Gisele in the Foxborough bathroom and didn’t call her in the morning. True story.

    12 years ago at 8:55 pm
  3. PhiGamma

    For a moment, I didn’t think any one could post a descent column besides bacon. Today I am gladly mistaken. haha

    12 years ago at 9:21 pm
  4. anon7472974648

    The Manning Face: “The look of someone who has just faced up to a sobering fact: I am in complete control of this offense. I prepare for games like no other quarterback in the NFL. I am in the best shape of my life. I have done everything I can to succeed—and I’m losing. Ohmigod. I’m not that good.” -W.J.S.

    12 years ago at 9:22 pm
  5. Tallapoosa Snu

    SNu’s don’t lose. Like many of my brothers, Eli can act like a fuckin retard, but in the end, he still wins. Tom Brady is missing an essential element- getting hazed at Ole’ Miss. I dont care how many 2-a-days you got under your belt, Eli is an elite quarterback, and Brady is on an elite team. The better QB- Eli.

    12 years ago at 9:37 pm
    1. The Law Firm

      ^ Brady on an elite “team”? Right. One of the worst defenses in the league. Only real receiver they have is Welker. RB’s are decent. Gronk is the best they have outside Brady. He makes the Patriots like Peyton made the Colts.

      12 years ago at 9:41 pm
    2. anon7472974648

      Pats had the 31st-ranked total defense during the regular season; Giants were ranked 27th. Not much of a difference. At the same time, if you look at the rankings, most of the high-powered offenses are ranked near-last, probably because opponents have to play catch-up and pass all game.

      12 years ago at 9:47 pm
    3. Frattastic378

      Law Firm, you are a moron. The Pats went 11-5 without Brady. The Colts went 3-13 without Peyton. Get back in your fucking hole.

      12 years ago at 7:33 am
    4. fromthenorth

      ^When was that, ’07? The Pats are completely different now. They’d be fucked without Tom this year.

      12 years ago at 8:11 am
    5. FratasticMrOX

      The patriots went 11-5 without Brady because their Cassel turned out to be pretty damn good for a backup, and that’s why he’s got the starting job at Kansas City. Name one good quarterback on the colts besides Peyton Manning. Don’t worry, I’ll wait until April 26 so you can give me an answer.

      12 years ago at 11:57 am
    6. MOMOgotMojo

      2nd worst defense in the Country and they made it to the Super Bowl…what are the colts doing again?

      12 years ago at 11:56 pm
  6. Rich Fader

    Kevin and Bean (the morning guys on KROQ in LA), or more specifically their in-house impressions guy Ralph Garman, always portrays Eli as Peyton’s “special” little brother.

    “Hi! I’m Eli!”

    12 years ago at 9:58 pm