A List Of Household Items Girls Have Anonymously Admitted To Shoving Up Their Vaginas


My mom used to always tell me it’s good to have a backup plan for when things go sour. I didn’t listen to her. I don’t need a backup plan from TFM because the crowd loves me so much. *Waves to crowd, gives thumbs up*

I’m making the internet great again.

Girls usually need a backup plan when they have no dildo. Thanks to random girls on the internet, who gathered on Reddit, we know some of the things they have used.

I’ll be honest when I was like 12 and curious I tried to make an ice dildo by freezing water in a ziploc bag in a somewhat cylindrical manner.

Bad idea. Bad idea all around.

Ice, ice baby.

One of my exes had a massive thing for using non dildo things as dildos.

Things I can remember off the top of my head and in no particular order: A push pop, one of those sugar dummies you get in shitty fun fairs, a maglite torch, the lube bottle, the handle to her cat-o-ninetails, a nokia 3310, a nokia 6510, a waterproof sony ericsson, a wireless computer mouse, pommel of a replica sword, one of those twisted bits of perspex that spins when you dangle it on some elastic, heels of various shoes, she was doing art at sixthform college so there were a number of art implements of varying types in verying sizes and combinations, variius candles.

That is quite a bit of variety.

A LOT of friends and girlfriends like cucumbers.

Why else do you think my fridge is stocked with cucumbers? I’m a ladies man.

Here’s my list so far:
A thick pen
A thin pen
A toothbrush
A fork handle
A PS3 controller
A long candle
A battery
Someone else’s fingers

A PS3 controller? That’s just not right.

N64 controller but using rumble pack. Also had a perfume bottle that was the best size lol.

The rumble pack + N64 controller is the old school vibrator.

Ex used my nunchucku. Eventually I found out.

I hope you still used them. Nunchucks are badass.

A hot dog wrapped in saran wrap and a penis-shaped bottle opener i got from jamaica. I was 14 and I am not proud.

Hot dog wrapped in saran wrap is how I used to practice putting on condoms.

I used a pickle in a condom and hid it under my bed in fear that my parents would find out. I found it 2-3 days later in not so bad shape so I rinsed it and used it again. That situation happened twice…maybe 3 times.

That’s a spicy pickle.

From the bathroom: Hairspray, curling iron, foot massager, toothbrush, shampoo bottle, razor (not the razor end, I’m horny not crazy), electric razor, hairbrush, basically anything that comes in a bottle

From the kitchen: Cucumbers, bananas, celery, corn on the cob, meat pounder(tenderizer?), turkey baster, I made an ice penis once it was not for me, beer bottles, wine bottles, spoons feel good

Everywhere else: Toy sword, water ballons, vacuum (not as a dildo, but it still warrants a place here), gear stick, trophy, the handle side of a baseball bat, play station controller, remote, costume jewlery.

Is there anything this girl won’t use?

Had a friend whose ex-girlfriend was in to trying various objects as dildos. The two I can remember was an egg beater and the head/neck of a Guitar Hero guitar.

I found out about this when I bought the same guitar from a local game store he had sold it at, I messaged him to tell him we could play online and he promptly told me to return the guitar to the store. When I asked why he explained, said he did washed it thoroughly, but said I should probably return it anyway, which I did.

I probably would have kept it anyway.

An ex had me use the nozzle of her blow dryer on her. Its diameter was a fair bit larger than me, but she took it without much of a problem.

I got the impression that maybe she’d tried it before during some “alone time”

Shoulda turned it on and blasted some hot air in that vag.

My wife has told me some of the things she has used that include and ear of corn on the cob, glass coke bottle, squash, and mini baseball bat.

Hope it was a fungo. Please tell me it was a fungo.

A Virgin Mary statue

Virgin Mary is no longer a virgin.

A hat tree

I can never look at a hat tree the same ever again.

Girlfriend was using a banana to masturbate and didn’t hear her dad come home. He started asking her a question just outside the door and she panicked, pulled it out and started eating it so he wouldn’t suspect. He stood and talked to her while she ate the whole thing.

At least she replenished her potassium levels after a vigorous workout

What’s the quote here? “Everything’s a dildo if you’re brave enough”

Who’s brave enough to use Steve Holt’s golden dome?

To find out what else girls are shoving up their vaginas, go here.

Image via Shutterstock

  1. Back In My Days

    Ice dildos at 12? Wine bottles, baseball bats? God these girls are damaged…so, how do I go about obtaining a contact list?

    8 years ago at 1:28 pm
    1. Keep It Buttery

      Being well aware of the psychopathy of a girl, but going for it anyway. TFM.

      8 years ago at 1:37 pm
    2. FrayettevilleLegend

      I keep all my exes’ numbers stored in my phone. Shoot me an email, and I’ll hook you up.

      8 years ago at 1:39 pm
      1. Back In My Days

        No. I need their info inscribed in braille. I want to feel them before I feel them.

        8 years ago at 2:08 pm
      2. Keep It Buttery

        Big problem here, people. WebMD is currently down so I’m taking to the TFM comment section in hopes of finding a diagnosis… Bloody diarrhea is erupting from my anus. Its moving like a freight train and I do not know what to do. Any diagnoses or advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

        8 years ago at 2:19 pm
      3. BloodyBunghole

        HEY! We’re trying to make you into a better person. Take your lumps and learn from it.

        8 years ago at 4:20 pm