A Realistic Sunday Brunch Menu For Fraternity Men

CatalinaCoke9 years ago

Note: No Sperrys, No Shades, No Service

Appetizers

Crushed Line of Adderall

Taken from stashes of only the finest prescriptions, these pills have been painstakingly crushed on the chef’s laptop computer to a fine powder for a smooth snort and easy finish. Comes with an expired credit card and rolled up dollar bill.

Tin of Dip

Our tobacco is served tin-in to preserve the complex flavors and critical textures inherent in the product. We believe dip is best prepared in a minimalist manner, as the tobacco taste is naturally pleasant and intrinsically distinct on its own. Vegan-friendly. Comes with a pre-used red Solo cup for discards.

Entrees

Cold Pizza

Hand-scooped from the floor by our discriminate chef, this leftover pizza is at least two nights old. The aging process unlocks new flavors and textures, including a cardboard-esque crust, conglomerated cheese layer, and sauce that has encrusted to flaky perfection. Slight pepperoni stains hint at a previous presence, having been selectively picked off when it was still fresh. Comes with a side of shriveled banana peppers and a half-used packet of garlic butter.

Drunk Munchies Platter

This cornucopia of drunk munchies is bursting with flavor. Delivered inside an extra-large fast food bag, the platter includes a cold Taco Bell mystery item, the last handful of crushed potato chips that nobody wanted, three partially-cooked fish sticks, and a smattering of soggy nachos. Sauce options include whatever we can find in the fridge. Comes with a raccoon that you need to defend from your stash.

Your Buddy’s Burrito

This pilfered burrito contains none of the ingredients you’d usually order, but is convenient for the eater on the go. While your bro is emptying his guts in the bathroom, our delivery experts swipe this unguarded item and bring it right into your waiting hands. Comes with a single bite missing. Extra charge for a hand-crafted alibi.

Ron Swanson Special

All of the bacon and eggs our house cook can come up with. Let the grease massage away your stomach troubles and fill your arteries, chocking off blood flow to your brain for instant hangover relief. Eggs are scrambled only, and bacon is questionably cooked. Comes with a barf bag and reruns of Parks and Rec that you’ve seen a hundred times.

Beverages

Wounded Soldiers

These half-finished brews have been selectively chosen for their lack of cigarette butts, beer pong balls, and dip spit. Hand-crafted by the girl who thought she liked beer but doesn’t really, this probably okay beverage is served lukewarm and uncarbonated. Comes with a pledge to blame and berate.

One-Quarter of a Gatorade

With the first three-quarters donated to a cotton-mouthed friend in need, every purchase helps quench the thirst of the less fortunate. Served on the nightstand next to your bed, flavor options are limited to Glacier Freeze and the occasional Lemon-Lime (seasonal). Comes with a small handful of Advil.

Shower Water

Opening your mouth in the shower has never tasted so good. We’ve collected some of this untreated municipal water that you occasionally ingest while scrubbing away the shame and regret you’ve garnered over the weekend and bottled it for your convenience. Flavored with hints of body wash and heavy metals. Comes served with a look of disgust.

*To-Go Box of Plan B Available Upon Request*.