A Way-Too-Intense Breakdown Of That Photo Of Mike Pence At Chili’s

Jared Borislow10 years ago

By now, odds are you’ve seen this photo of Trump’s VP Pick, Mike Pence, eating at a New York Chili’s with his wife and daughter.

One thing that a lot of people noticed about the picture is that Mike Pence’s daughter appears to be a garlic-fearing, wooden stake-susceptible motherfucking vampire sent here from Hell to murder all of us and suck the blood from our veins.

What more evidence do you need? Vampires don’t show up in mirrors. Pence’s daughter doesn’t appear in the mirror. Case closed on that front. We can all agree that Mike Pence’s daughter sleeps in a coffin and can transform into a bat at any moment. That’s as clear as the day during which Pence’s daughter avoids being outside.

Upon further inspection, though, there are even more haunting revelations about the photo.

1. That’s right — Mike Pence goes to Chili’s and DOESN’T ORDER SKILLET QUESO. What kind of troglodyte savage is this man? I’m not entirely sure I feel comfortable with my potential vice president being able to resist the glory that is Chili’s delicious staple appetizer. If he can say no to that cheesy goodness, who’s to say he won’t say no to… uh… whatever the vice president should be saying yes to? Being totally candid here — I have zero clue what a vice president does outside of picking out the president’s tie and testing the effects of hunting rifles on human skulls. I do know, however, that the vice president, as with all Americans, should be eating Chili’s delicious skillet queso.

2. Big appetite you got there, Pencey. You really scarfed down that salad.

3. I don’t see a single Presidente Margarita on the table. Is this a dinner at Chili’s, or a catered AA meeting?

In fact… is this a dinner at all?

4. What sane people under the age of 74 eat dinner at 3:14 p.m.? That’s the move of a family of straight sociopaths. Which doesn’t come as any surprise, considering one of the members of said family is a blood-sucking vampire.

5. Where is the red t-shirt person in the mirror at in the foreground of the full photo?

Is he a vampire, too? EDWARD CULLEN, IS THAT YOU? WHY DIDN’T YOU RETURN MY FAN MAIL ALL THOSE YEARS BACK, YOU BASTARD.

I mean this in the most apolitical way possible — Mike Pence weirds me out, man. This picture just set my heebie-jeebies at 100..

h/t Rude Teens Club