“Adult” Christmas Sucks


Like most of you, every year since I developed the ability to wield a pen and paper I have been required to create a list of things I want for Christmas. For the first six years of my life I believed that list was for a generous obese man named Santa Claus. That is up until some GDI ginger who I can only assume is now a repeat offender drug addict told me that good ole Santa was as real as a porn star’s rack (I’m not just saying he was a GDI ginger. He was a demented 6-year-old who really had red hair and definitely never made it to college.) I quickly recovered from the confusion when I learned I would still be receiving presents. Since then I have gone on to make many an illustrious list, usually about a month before December 25. Well, at the ripe age of 19 years old, when my dad demanded a Christmas list for him and my grandparents to use in the purchasing of presents, I finally experienced my first “I have no fucking idea what I want for Christmas” moment.

When you’re a kid, and you literally want every fucking toy that ever existed, making a Christmas list is pretty damn easy. But when you’re a kid in college who is supposed to act like an adult but lives like a functioning alcoholic, things like the Super Soaker CPS 2000 are no longer appropriate. You can’t fill the fucking CPS 2000 with whiskey and playfully squirt it into girls’ mouths like you can with some regular swimming pool pistol. They’d end up in the hospital crying tears of Kentucky Deluxe. Still, my main desires in life revolve around alcohol and slipping my candy cane into sorority girls’ stockings, and my parents would never agree to box up sluts and place them under our tree. So when I got that text from dad that said, “still need Christmas list” while I was blacking out instead of studying for finals, I didn’t have a fucking clue what to tell him. He made it clear that I couldn’t take the easy way out and just ask for cash. I needed presents worthy of wrapping paper to take part in the traditional Christmas morning.

A lot of people just list off clothes they’re too lazy to get themselves, like button-downs and blazers, but to me that’s the equivalent of asking your girlfriend for a blowjob. You should be getting that shit anyway. I thought about putting a nice bottle of scotch on the list, but just because my parents know I drink doesn’t mean they’re cool with openly supplying my underage ass with high-end booze in front of my younger siblings. My Tahoe isn’t more than 3 years old, and I’m not a dickhead, so I’m not going to go ask for a car. I thought about asking for another watch, but that seemed so boring.

I never really came up with any good ideas, so I ended up asking for a new set of Titleist blades and a trip to the Atlantis for New Years. My mom punished me by wrapping each iron individually. Happy fucking New Year.

    1. Frat McQueary

      ^^I heard Fratdusky mentioning his use of eggnog in the showers last Christmas, I thought nothing of it. This year I finally figured out what he was really doing, and I figured “Hey, it’s no business of mine where another man puts his eggnog.”

      13 years ago at 12:00 am
  1. 247frat

    That was a very average column. I’ve read better, I’ve read worse. I slightly smiled knowing exactly what was meant by a part, but I yawned through most of it.

    I really couldn’t give any less of a fuck about this column.

    13 years ago at 10:15 pm
    1. Fratandfurious

      ^^ I thought that was a fucking stupid comment. I’ve read worse, but the sheer fact that you wrote a book review about a column was a waste of everyone’s time. I laughed in disgust through most of it.
      Go kill yourself you English major GDI fuck.

      13 years ago at 10:47 pm
    2. NateHiggers

      ^^^I agree, fuck you. You are a homosexual GDI fa.ggot, and deserve ly.nching for your comment.

      13 years ago at 2:56 am
    3. Callin Fraton Rouge

      ^^No you did not. That is a sad excuse at covering your own GDI ass. Kindly remove yourself or commence multiple laps.

      13 years ago at 3:44 am
  2. futureleader14

    I got lazy and just asked them for polo sweaters and stuff. I’m glad at least someone on this site is willing to admit his parents aren’t willing to buy him alcohol underage.

    13 years ago at 10:16 pm
    1. PhiHard

      Yeah I agree with that. While my parents dont care if I drink around the house they aren’t going to buy me a nice bottle of bourbon until I’m actually 21.

      13 years ago at 10:42 pm
    2. better_than_you

      I am over 21 and still wont drink in front of my parents out of respect. And i dont want them to see me drinking alot at their house and then blame my shitty grades on the “12 pack” i drank over break, and all the “if you didnt drink so much blah blah blah”

      13 years ago at 11:03 pm
    3. brostock

      I’m not trying to be a dick, but it must genuinely suck to have parents who won’t buy you alcohol/would judge you for drinking.

      13 years ago at 4:48 am
    4. QuintanaBreeze

      You don’t have to get hammered in front of your parents. There is such a thing as pouring a Scotch with your old man. Wait, you drank 12 beers over break?

      13 years ago at 7:55 am
    5. Prefferedshacker

      I’m with better_than_you on this one. I don’t drink in front of my mom out of respect. She”ll buy me alcohol whenever (obviously I can do it myself) but it’s a respect thing. My dad never gotten hammered in front of me, I’ll at least honor him and not get hammered around the house.

      13 years ago at 10:50 am
    6. Prefferedshacker

      Don’t worry, I’m lacing them up for the typo. I’m still recovering from last night

      13 years ago at 10:51 am
    7. BetterThanYou

      You guys are pussies. Respect has nothing to do with it. If you can’t pull decent grades at school then you’re an idiot…regardless of how much you, “rage.” my parents would much rather me get hammered at the house then go to a bar or someone other place. If you can’t sit at your own house and get drunk while watching your favorite college or pro team play ball then grow up.

      13 years ago at 11:13 am
    8. White Goodman

      ^That seems like a pretty high school thing to do to me. Either that or a 50 year old trailer park alcoholic.

      13 years ago at 3:45 pm
    9. FrataDelta

      ^^This. Also, if your parents openly fuel your alcoholic tendencies and you openly get smashed in front of them, then you are all moronic degenerates. Have some class.

      13 years ago at 12:52 pm
    10. A_Freed_Man_1848

      Yeah I’m sorry if your parents treat you like you are still in middle school and refuse to provide you with alcohol for Christmas. That just sucks and I feel bad for you because you were probably sheltered as a kid by your parents. That also means they think you are not mature enough to give you alcohol as a present. The third picture is mine from Christmas morning and I have to say that this was a great holiday and I’m thankful for actually cool parents.

      13 years ago at 4:33 pm
    11. BroJo1856

      Business drunk is most appropriate while being around all family around the holidays. Being able to win arguments and feel good; nothing better than that.

      13 years ago at 8:45 am

    There are adult toys. They’re called tools. Ask for a set of them and start building your shop now.

    13 years ago at 10:17 pm
    1. Nitro Hazelton

      I think I heard something the other day about Sears going out of business. I love all of my craftsman tools, and wouldn’t easily part with them. It’s important to know how to fix and maintain things with your own two hands.

      13 years ago at 10:33 pm
    2. Strom Thurmond

      This. My parents have been getting m stuff to put together a respectable tool kit for several years. It’s not necessary to get anything insane that you will have no used for until you have a house of your own, but a basic tool box, filled with the necessities and some basic power tools will go a long way when you are starting out in the real world.

      13 years ago at 10:34 pm
    1. FraternityOfGents

      Talk about the worst gift ever. Bowling is simply NF. Just like you. Just like you shitty parents. Eat shit and die.

      13 years ago at 10:44 pm
    2. DILF

      Ever watch A Christmas Story? Guess you didn’t catch the reference. Regardless, zero fucks will be given to any of you.

      13 years ago at 11:13 pm
    3. 1922

      Fuck you, DILF, you dirty liar. You didn’t get a tie this year. Plus, my gifts were better. I got a zeppelin!

      13 years ago at 12:29 pm