Alcohol Around the World

The world is a vast and complex playground of different cultures. Different people can have radically different languages, beliefs, and gods. There is one thing, however, than unifies all mankind… Alcohol.

Mexico

Mexico is a rich cultural paradise just south of the border, where all of our migrant farm workers are made. The only place in Mexico you should ever consider going to is Cancun. Cancun is a perpetual Spring Break, a Mecca of mainstream mayhem. By the end of the night, you will have no less than 30 wristbands on from various clubs and bars. Cancun is legendary for one reason… sluts. Cancun is like a cascading waterfall of fuck holes. If you have a dick and you can’t get laid in Cancun, you might as well just turn that motherfucker in. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel with a howitzer.

Don’t be that stupid asshole gringo who orders a Corona. Nothing points you out as a rich, non-Spanish speaking puta more quickly than a Corona. If you don’t want to stand out like the thoroughly burned redneck that you are, you should avoid anything that’s sold in America. A lot of the corporate beers are all shitty pee-pee water, anyway. Pulque is the only acceptable beer. It’s an ancient Mayan brew made from the Agave plant. It tastes good, packs a punch, and puts you face to face with the spirits of the Aztec warrior gods if you drink too much. That might sound cool, but it’s not, because if you meet them, they WILL make you sacrifice a goat. Either way, you’ll get the locals’ respect for drinking Pulque. If you’re in Mexico, you probably shouldn’t even be drinking beer to begin with. You should be drinking Tequila! Tequila is of course the devil’s ball sweat with a twist of lime. If you get into a drinking competition with the locals, don’t be a bitch. Eat the worm, black out, and wake up in a bathtub full of ice, sans kidneys. Viva Mexico!

Costa Rica

Costa Rica is a tropical tourist destination that is world renowned for fishing and surfing. They have beautiful rainforests with monkeys and shit too, but if you’re not fishing in Costa Rica, you’re doing it wrong. Surfing is great, but unless you already know how to surf, you’re gonna get owned by the 12 foot skull smashers. The local chicks are inexplicably attracted to white guys with money. Wait, never mind, that makes perfect sense. Even if you don’t have money, just act like you do. They barely speak English, but they are fluent in sucking dick.

Although Imperial is cool to drink in America, don’t order it in Costa Rica. You should go for Pilsen, which is 6.0% instead of bitch ass 4.5% alcohol. Oddly enough, it is usually cheaper, too. There is also a terrible, petroleum based liquor called Guaro. If Guaro and Vodka got into a fight, Vodka would end up face down on the floor, mutilated and pregnant. Do not fuck with Guaro. It’s usually reserved for bets and homeless vagabonds, neither of which you should associate with in Costa Rica.

Australia

Australia is definitely the shittiest place on Earth. Sure it’s beautiful, but 85% of the wildlife is poisonous and will kill you/eat you. Great Britain sent all their prisoners there for a reason. They literally could not build a prison that sucked harder than Australia. Hit the beaches to work on that tan, then get eaten by giant crocodiles. Scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef, then get eaten by Great White sharks. Take a dip in the pristine lagoons, and then get murdered by box jellyfish. Don’t think that you can escape a miserable and shame filled death by avoiding the water. Australia is loaded with venomous snakes and spiders. I’m not talking about “venomous” like the bitch ass black widow or American rattlesnake. I’m talking about Taipans, Tiger snakes, and Funnel Web spiders, whose venom is so powerful you’ll bleed out of your asshole for 3 days before your testicles explode as thousands of evil spider babies come pouring out. If you make it one day without dying, you definitely deserve a beer. Fortunately, Australian beer is actually pretty good. It is one of the few things that isn’t guaranteed to kill you.

Touhey, Veebee, and Coopers are all fine choices. Just don’t drink Fosters. Foster’s is not Australian for beer. It’s American for retarded. People in Australia absolutely hate Fosters. Don’t be the one guy drinking the one thing that everybody hates. That’s like an Arab walking around New York City screaming that 9/11 was an inside job. It’s not classy and it’s NF.

Amsterdam

By far the weirdest place on the planet. Amsterdam is like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. I guarantee you will see some weird liberal shit if you go to Amsterdam. Aside from the insanity, Amsterdam does have some breathtaking mountains and valleys. I’m speaking, of course, about the whores. Make sure to hit up the red light district because there are sluts that are so hot, you’ll swear they’re computer generated. Just make sure to stick to the main canal streets. Don’t wander down the back alleys. That’s where you’ll find the 78 year old tranny who will fire ping pong balls out of his dog’s ass for 5 bucks. So unless you’re a little fucking weird yourself, it’s best to avoid the freak parade.

Amsterdam is home to the Heineken brewery. I’m not a huge fan of Heineken, but when I took the tour of the brewery we got to taste Heineken that was literally just brewed a few moments before we arrived. It was like drinking from the Holy Grail. I don’t know why the bottled diarrhea we get in America is so inferior to what I drank in Amsterdam, but it’s blasphemy to call the two beers by the same name. Maybe Heineken only fills half of the American bottle with beer and the other half with cat piss. Maybe they decided to save money because they realized that Americans love to drink diluted garbage.

Another fine drink you can easily find in Amsterdam is absinthe. Absinthe is not for the weekend warrior alcoholics. It’s only for those who want to push the thresholds of intoxication to the maximum. Shit gets weird on Absinthe. As I recall, a Dutch-speaking Leprechaun took us on a tour of the city in his smart car made of marmalade. We ended up in an underground sex dungeon watching an Asian girl dance on stage as she pulled 300 feet of black light reactive ribbon out of her vagina. What happened next is a mystery to me, but the Leprechaun was arrested for treason and the police beat him to death with pool noodles. It took a LONG time.

If traveling the world has taught me anything, it’s that Americans drink bad beer. However, out of all the countries I’ve been to, no one rages harder than America. We prefer the philosophy of “quantity over quality.” We know what we want. We want to get wasted and make awesomely bad decisions. Good beer is a luxury for us. “Good beer” usually refers to anything more expensive than PBR or Natty Light. We are too practical to waste too much money to get drunk. America rages the hardest for the cheapest. We are also one of the few nations to seriously embrace drinking games. When it comes to turning cheap alcohol into a sport, America is undeniably FaF. We are, without a doubt, THE top-tier country. Most other countries are GDI, especially France. Fuck France.

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

    1. thatalpha09

      this is the most blatently racist, ignorant post in on this site. NF at all.
      ragetheory- no bid.

      12 years ago at 11:10 pm
    1. the fratness monster

      WHERE THE FUCK IS IT!!?? FUCK YOU INTERN! MY WHOLE WEEKEND IS RIDING ON THIS!

      12 years ago at 12:30 pm
    2. the fratness monster

      On a lighter note, I like how it says Mexico is a rich cultural paradise and shows a picture of a riot and/or drug bust in the streets.

      12 years ago at 12:33 pm
  1. The Golden Fleece

    Yes, but where is fail friday? And what ever happened to the “ask the intern” columns?

    12 years ago at 12:25 pm
    1. BROnard Ramsey

      He stopped doing those columns because he got asked “when are you going to fuck yourself” too many times and got all butt hurt.

      12 years ago at 2:31 pm
    2. ThinkThereforeFRAT

      I was wondering about Ask The Intern as well. Well I hope we now understand why we can’t have nice things!

      12 years ago at 3:13 pm
    3. Danny Devitbro

      He wants to keep ducking the question of what the fuck happened to the next and previous button.

      12 years ago at 7:54 pm
    1. FrattinSince1855

      ^I might be mistaken but I thought it was snails? Is it them who eat dogs? Fuck it they aren’t America so they can just go fuck themselves.

      12 years ago at 12:53 pm
    2. PurdueSig

      ^They eat both (frog legs and snails). As for the dogs, that’s in China and some other fucked up places in asia.

      12 years ago at 1:37 pm
    3. I’ve been to Paris, loved the architecture and enjoyed their rich history as I am a history major. I love their country but hate the people, France needs a new plague. That being said who goes to France for spring break?

      12 years ago at 2:32 pm
    4. Phi Psi till I die

      Apartment on the French Riviera? That sounds lame as fuck. Have fun sipping your french bullshit wine while I rage here in the best fucking country on Earth… The United States of America.

      12 years ago at 11:06 am
    5. Strictly Shotgunning

      Absinthe was invented in switzerland and made famous in France fuckstick. Lace up.

      12 years ago at 8:18 pm
    1. Bronan the Barbarian

      Came here to say this. You haven’t seen an absolutely epic club until you’ve been to El Squid Roe over spring break.

      12 years ago at 12:36 pm
    2. LPB_III

      I never want to see a club again, much less an “epic” one. Go back to WoW you fucking nerd.

      12 years ago at 12:42 pm
    3. Bronan the Barbarian

      Oh boy, a WoW insult. Not terribly original, or relevant. You come up with that one on your own, LPB, or did you need your mommy to help you?

      I’ve always used bar/club interchangeably, because that’s how places in the DC area are. If you use club to mean “guido infested shitholes” then Squid Roe is most definitely a bar. An awesome, 4 level bar.
      Hope that clears that up for you LPB and PDTMarny, you pedantic pricks.

      12 years ago at 2:29 pm
    4. Tallapoosa Snu

      Nothin like Puerto Vallarta. Less tourist shit, better beaches, way too many “doctor/pharmacies” and the same gorgeous latina women that praise the white man’s penis except they wont steal the money out of your wallet when you pass out. And you get twice as much shit (alcohol, hotel prices, food, etc.) for the same price as in cancun.

      12 years ago at 3:42 pm
  2. LPB_III

    “Shit gets weird on Absinthe. As I recall, a Dutch-speaking Leprechaun took us on a tour of the city in his smart car made of marmalade.”

    Almost pissed myself.

    12 years ago at 12:41 pm
    1. Braxton Bragg Comer

      True story. I once put green food coloring in “Georgia Moon” and told people it was absinthe and they were running around hallucinating and shit.

      12 years ago at 12:50 pm
    2. Success

      VV, you obviously haven’t had real absinthe. That shit will fuck with you, your mother and her bridge club all at the same time. It is nefariously evil.

      12 years ago at 12:57 pm
    3. ViolentVomit

      Success absinthe is traditionally from france and I have had the real stuff I got stupid and drank a fifth of it in an hour, but nothing happened I was just really really drunk

      12 years ago at 1:02 pm
    4. Scotch_Neat

      For those that are ignorant and stupid: Absinthe sold in the USA is NOT the same as the absinthe sold in Europe. In the States it’s imply an above-100 proof liquor. Although it is made with Wormwood, which contains the chemical thujone, which FUCKS you up, the FDA requires that this particular chemical be removed before sale. In Europe, the just leave it as is, and although it may not make you truly hallucinate, it makes you something other than drunk. ViolentVomit, I’m wondering what liquor you’d be comparing any absinthe to when referring to it as “weak.” White lightning? Christ.

      12 years ago at 1:39 pm
    5. carolinahaze

      People seriously exaggerate the effects of real Absinthe. Thujone is a very mild hallucinogen similar to THC. Getting fucked up on Absinthe is really not that different of an experience than drinking a shitload of liquor and smoking a couple bowls. It will NOT give you LSD or mushroom level hallucinations. People who claim to trip out like that on Absinthe are tryhard losers.

      12 years ago at 1:57 pm
    6. bourbon and coke

      Finally someone knows the truth, real Absinthe can only be bought in the old soviet block now. That shit in western Europe is exactly the same thing that is legal to buy in the US now. And the real stuff only makes colors more vivid and is otherwise a very clear drunk.

      12 years ago at 2:06 pm
    7. Success

      DAB you downs-riddled, dumb fuck mongoloid, I’m well aware you can’t read but I never said anything about hallucinating. Now quit trolling me and go back to blowing your cousin. “Duh”…bammer.

      12 years ago at 2:24 pm
    8. Jerry Fratdusky

      On a serious note, Absinthe from Europe will fuck you up. I took a shit inside a taxi as it was taking me home one night after drinking it.

      12 years ago at 2:53 pm
    9. CU Buffalbro

      First and foremost, the embargo on wormwood laden absinthe was lifted around Feb of 2007 (from what I can recall), and many distillers began exporting their product to the US, and even making it inside its glorious borders. In fact, one domestic made absinthe in Denver, CO recently won a silver medal at the international wine and spirits competition (a place filled with judges who know more about this sort of thing than anyone on this site could ever hope to know.) They also go through their distilling process including the botanicals and herbs that are used. While they include wormwood they certainly dont mention taking it out, however (I will grant you this, Scotch Neat) the FDA does require that absinthes be “thujone free”, although they quantify this as only 10ppm (Europe’s standards are set at a 35ppm) and was part of the reason of why the US gov lifted the ban. If you were to gain the effects of the substances inside wormwood (thujone) from european absinthe you would have to down an extreme amount of absinthe and even at a lowly 80 proof (let alone the general 150+ proof of absinthe) that sort of binge would fuck up your day. Although it would seem at first glance that there is an large difference between US and European absinthe as far as thujone levels are concerned(3 times as much), the scale is so small that it would equate to railing a line of sugar with 1 crystal of cocaine in it, then railing another line of sugar this time with 3 crystals of cocaine in it and claiming that you’re Pablo Escobar after the later. Different alcohols affect people differently, we all know someone who gets angry off of gin, or jovial after a few shots of bourbon but when it comes down to it drinking absinthe probably wont get you as messed up as everyone says, so if you’re really trying to feel something other than drunk, I would recommend just taking some drugs.

      12 years ago at 4:29 pm
    10. Downwind

      Apparently, the ban of wormwood in absinthe in the United States has been lifted.

      This is all you need to know from the statement above.

      12 years ago at 2:50 am
  3. Brian Fantana

    Just some of the shit he wrote… “face to face with Aztec warrior gods” where does he come up with that?! Entertaining read even if half that was straight out of his ass haha

    12 years ago at 12:48 pm
  4. Brociopath

    Pretty sure the Heineken is better over there because they drink it before those green bottles let in too much light and skunk the beer

    12 years ago at 12:54 pm