Alcohol Around the World

The world is a vast and complex playground of different cultures. Different people can have radically different languages, beliefs, and gods. There is one thing, however, than unifies all mankind… Alcohol.

Mexico

Mexico is a rich cultural paradise just south of the border, where all of our migrant farm workers are made. The only place in Mexico you should ever consider going to is Cancun. Cancun is a perpetual Spring Break, a Mecca of mainstream mayhem. By the end of the night, you will have no less than 30 wristbands on from various clubs and bars. Cancun is legendary for one reason… sluts. Cancun is like a cascading waterfall of fuck holes. If you have a dick and you can’t get laid in Cancun, you might as well just turn that motherfucker in. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel with a howitzer.

Don’t be that stupid asshole gringo who orders a Corona. Nothing points you out as a rich, non-Spanish speaking puta more quickly than a Corona. If you don’t want to stand out like the thoroughly burned redneck that you are, you should avoid anything that’s sold in America. A lot of the corporate beers are all shitty pee-pee water, anyway. Pulque is the only acceptable beer. It’s an ancient Mayan brew made from the Agave plant. It tastes good, packs a punch, and puts you face to face with the spirits of the Aztec warrior gods if you drink too much. That might sound cool, but it’s not, because if you meet them, they WILL make you sacrifice a goat. Either way, you’ll get the locals’ respect for drinking Pulque. If you’re in Mexico, you probably shouldn’t even be drinking beer to begin with. You should be drinking Tequila! Tequila is of course the devil’s ball sweat with a twist of lime. If you get into a drinking competition with the locals, don’t be a bitch. Eat the worm, black out, and wake up in a bathtub full of ice, sans kidneys. Viva Mexico!

Costa Rica

Costa Rica is a tropical tourist destination that is world renowned for fishing and surfing. They have beautiful rainforests with monkeys and shit too, but if you’re not fishing in Costa Rica, you’re doing it wrong. Surfing is great, but unless you already know how to surf, you’re gonna get owned by the 12 foot skull smashers. The local chicks are inexplicably attracted to white guys with money. Wait, never mind, that makes perfect sense. Even if you don’t have money, just act like you do. They barely speak English, but they are fluent in sucking dick.

Although Imperial is cool to drink in America, don’t order it in Costa Rica. You should go for Pilsen, which is 6.0% instead of bitch ass 4.5% alcohol. Oddly enough, it is usually cheaper, too. There is also a terrible, petroleum based liquor called Guaro. If Guaro and Vodka got into a fight, Vodka would end up face down on the floor, mutilated and pregnant. Do not fuck with Guaro. It’s usually reserved for bets and homeless vagabonds, neither of which you should associate with in Costa Rica.

Australia

Australia is definitely the shittiest place on Earth. Sure it’s beautiful, but 85% of the wildlife is poisonous and will kill you/eat you. Great Britain sent all their prisoners there for a reason. They literally could not build a prison that sucked harder than Australia. Hit the beaches to work on that tan, then get eaten by giant crocodiles. Scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef, then get eaten by Great White sharks. Take a dip in the pristine lagoons, and then get murdered by box jellyfish. Don’t think that you can escape a miserable and shame filled death by avoiding the water. Australia is loaded with venomous snakes and spiders. I’m not talking about “venomous” like the bitch ass black widow or American rattlesnake. I’m talking about Taipans, Tiger snakes, and Funnel Web spiders, whose venom is so powerful you’ll bleed out of your asshole for 3 days before your testicles explode as thousands of evil spider babies come pouring out. If you make it one day without dying, you definitely deserve a beer. Fortunately, Australian beer is actually pretty good. It is one of the few things that isn’t guaranteed to kill you.

Touhey, Veebee, and Coopers are all fine choices. Just don’t drink Fosters. Foster’s is not Australian for beer. It’s American for retarded. People in Australia absolutely hate Fosters. Don’t be the one guy drinking the one thing that everybody hates. That’s like an Arab walking around New York City screaming that 9/11 was an inside job. It’s not classy and it’s NF.

Amsterdam

By far the weirdest place on the planet. Amsterdam is like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. I guarantee you will see some weird liberal shit if you go to Amsterdam. Aside from the insanity, Amsterdam does have some breathtaking mountains and valleys. I’m speaking, of course, about the whores. Make sure to hit up the red light district because there are sluts that are so hot, you’ll swear they’re computer generated. Just make sure to stick to the main canal streets. Don’t wander down the back alleys. That’s where you’ll find the 78 year old tranny who will fire ping pong balls out of his dog’s ass for 5 bucks. So unless you’re a little fucking weird yourself, it’s best to avoid the freak parade.

Amsterdam is home to the Heineken brewery. I’m not a huge fan of Heineken, but when I took the tour of the brewery we got to taste Heineken that was literally just brewed a few moments before we arrived. It was like drinking from the Holy Grail. I don’t know why the bottled diarrhea we get in America is so inferior to what I drank in Amsterdam, but it’s blasphemy to call the two beers by the same name. Maybe Heineken only fills half of the American bottle with beer and the other half with cat piss. Maybe they decided to save money because they realized that Americans love to drink diluted garbage.

Another fine drink you can easily find in Amsterdam is absinthe. Absinthe is not for the weekend warrior alcoholics. It’s only for those who want to push the thresholds of intoxication to the maximum. Shit gets weird on Absinthe. As I recall, a Dutch-speaking Leprechaun took us on a tour of the city in his smart car made of marmalade. We ended up in an underground sex dungeon watching an Asian girl dance on stage as she pulled 300 feet of black light reactive ribbon out of her vagina. What happened next is a mystery to me, but the Leprechaun was arrested for treason and the police beat him to death with pool noodles. It took a LONG time.

If traveling the world has taught me anything, it’s that Americans drink bad beer. However, out of all the countries I’ve been to, no one rages harder than America. We prefer the philosophy of “quantity over quality.” We know what we want. We want to get wasted and make awesomely bad decisions. Good beer is a luxury for us. “Good beer” usually refers to anything more expensive than PBR or Natty Light. We are too practical to waste too much money to get drunk. America rages the hardest for the cheapest. We are also one of the few nations to seriously embrace drinking games. When it comes to turning cheap alcohol into a sport, America is undeniably FaF. We are, without a doubt, THE top-tier country. Most other countries are GDI, especially France. Fuck France.

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    1. ViolentVomit

      how about the redback spider very deadly, and the scary as shit huntsman spider bigger than a fucking dinner plate

      13 years ago at 1:16 pm
    2. fratsul

      If you’re in the middle of the country with the aborigines you might have to worry about spiders. Go to Brisbane, Sydney, or Melbourne.

      13 years ago at 1:26 pm
    3. Smathers and Branson

      Longitude 131 is a great vacation spot. Other than that, Australia sucks. They hate Americans

      13 years ago at 3:03 pm
    4. timmykov

      Geez this makes me smile. American girls in australia…hahaha, just too dam easy, we love you sepo’s ya’ll just can’t drink for shit!!!!

      13 years ago at 8:33 pm
  1. John Quincy Fratams

    IT’S ALMOST 3 FUCKING PM, POST FAIL FRIDAY SO I CAN STOP RELOADING TFM EVERY 4 SECONDS LIKE A CRACK ADDICT.

    13 years ago at 1:37 pm
  2. amgFrat

    If you go to amsterdam you take advantage of all the drugs that are readily available. I mean you can drink in the states, they sell drugs openly in amsterdam.

    13 years ago at 2:48 pm
  3. BAKED since 1869

    Well done. Hope there’s a continuation. Visit Medellin, Colombia sometime…the women there are SMOKING beautiful (literally 90% women population are 8-10 range according to TFM scale) and the alcohol is cheap, delicious, and abundant.

    13 years ago at 4:56 pm
    1. aristokratico

      Argentina- Quilmes is the standard for beer, but here’s the deal: almost all InBev brews across the world taste the same. Quilmes, Brahma, Stella, all the same stuff pretty much. The fun part is you can buy a liter for 2 dollars, and get $1.50 back for recycling, so I spent about $40 on beer in a month drinking at least two liters a day. The malbec wines are the finest in the world, but the rest of the stuff coming out of Mendoza doesn’t compare favorably to California and Europe. The bitch drink is Fernet, which is kind of like a spiced rum, but very bitter. Argentinian women guzzle it mixed with coke.

      Also, any continuation has to have the Caribbean and Japan/China, based solely on the likelihood of people on this site visiting.

      13 years ago at 5:29 pm
    2. BAKED since 1869

      South American wine is fantastic. The women, food, etc. are just amazing… It’s a lovely continent waiting to be explored. How long were you in Argentina for?

      13 years ago at 5:33 pm
    3. Cigar Aficionado

      Colombians are full of shit just like the rest of South America. Shitty people and country. I live in Miami and we all hate them. Chilean/Argentinean wines aren’t that bad though.

      13 years ago at 5:40 pm
    4. BAKED since 1869

      You must admit that real Colombian women are smokeshows, e.g. Cali, Medellin, Bogota (at times). The developing nations of South America are definitely profitable entities as well.

      13 years ago at 5:50 pm
    5. Cigar Aficionado

      Some countries are very profitable. My father has done a lot of good business with Brazilians. The women really are a show. I know a few from Medelin, Bogota and Baranquilla but I wouldn’t touch’em with a 10 foot pole. They cause nothing but trouble…

      13 years ago at 5:59 pm
    6. Tallapoosa Snu

      If you think thats a good spot, you’ve obviously never been to Uzbekistan. Those mother fuckers know how to party. Visit the Khovorenko Winery and prepare to piss yourself. They rage their fuckin asses off.

      13 years ago at 3:50 pm
    7. HowtobreakApledge

      I once went to Honduras. Cheap beer and if you are from ‘Merica.,prepared to get the dick sucked.

      13 years ago at 3:00 pm
  4. Cigar Aficionado

    “Mexico is a rich cultural paradise just south of the border, where all of our migrant farm workers are made.” Such a vivid and dead accurate way to describe Mexico hahaa.

    13 years ago at 5:33 pm
  5. 1st to Secede

    Australia is incredible and it sounds like you’re too much of bitch to face some real danger. First of all, no one has died from a funnel web spider in like 30 years and there’s an anti-venom. Secondly, Taipans live in parts of the outback that are some of the most remote places on earth. Lastly, It’s a first world country so you’ll have access to modern medical treatment should you actually encounter any of these things. So put a jolly jumbuck in your tuckerbag and go a waltzing Matilda down under before saying it sucks.

    13 years ago at 9:11 pm
    1. McQueery

      Pretty sure he was kidding. Not everyone that goes to the beach gets eaten by giant crocodiles and not everyone that dives the great barrier reef gets eaten by great white sharks.

      13 years ago at 8:09 am
    2. Tallapoosa Snu

      Its true, australia doesnt suck. And the crocodile bite has almost completely healed and I’m getting feeling back in the right side of my body. You cant just be a pussy and not check it out.

      13 years ago at 3:52 pm
    3. timmykov

      If you go to the right places girls might even want to nail you for being american…You’ll struggle in sydney though. Also no great whites at teh barrier reef or crocs near ANY beach you’d go to for swimming purposes.

      13 years ago at 8:35 pm