America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 4

America is the greatest country on Earth for many reasons. Democracy, freedom, Fun Dip, The Super Bowl, etc, and inventing the word etcetera (and the subsequent abbreviation) so that you don’t have keep listing things when you don’t fucking feel like it. Boom. Advantage America. But ultimately our greatness comes down to the fact that we are the best at making other people dead. If life is a game, you can’t win it if you aren’t alive. That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force this planet has ever seen.

Phalanx CIWS

The Phalanx is a close-in weapon system designed to shoot down anti-ship missiles. It’s a radar guided 20 mm Gatling gun that is mounted on a swiveling base attached to the ship. CIWS is pronounced “Sea Whiz” because that’s pretty much what it does. When some bottom tier military fires a missile at one of our ships, the Phalanx automatically targets it and pisses all over it with 20 mm anti-aircraft cannon shells at 4,500 rpm.

The Phalanx derives its name from an ancient Greek warfare formation that was immortalized by the Spartans. Soldiers would march together, as one entity, using shields to block others from getting in while they stabbed the shit out of everybody in their way with spears, pikes, and swords. It is derived from the Greek word phalanx, which literally means “the finger.” It’s the perfect name for an American weapon. Anytime anyone tries to shoot missiles at one of our ships, we give them the finger and send their outdated technology to the bottom of the ocean… right before we turn their cities into parking lots.

AA12 Automatic Shotgun

If I could sell my soul to own any one item, it would be the AA12. It’s a freaking fully automatic shotgun. It has a 32 round drum magazine and cutting edge technology that reduces the recoil to practically nothing. I almost cum in my pants just imagining how gnarly this thing must be to shoot. It’s built so solidly that you don’t even have to clean it… ever. If only they could apply this technology to sluts. Condoms would become an ancient relic of penile repression.

The AA12 has been integrated into the Hammer platform, which allows you to mount two side-by-side AA12s onto any vehicle. The system can be remotely controlled from inside the vehicle. You can also mount the AA12 on a robot, or any other terrifying Sci-fi death machine you (and our military scientists) can imagine.

The versatility of different types of shotgun ammo makes the AA12 even more badass. You can load one of the guns with salt rounds to deal with protesting hippies and the other gun with buckshot or frag12 grenades, which tear terrorist fucks to pieces. Either way, the AA12 is unprecedented in its ability to bend bitches over and pepper them with loads of lead.

B-52 Stratofortress

Nothing has been associated with dick shrinking awesomeness for as long as the B-52 Stratofortress. Known more commonly as BUFF (Big Ugly Fat Fucker), the B-52 has been causing penises to shrivel since the 50’s. It was designed as our go to strategic bomber for dropping hydrogen bombs on Soviet skanks during the Cold War. It was an integral part of the Strategic Air Command, so it’s no joke to say that the B-52 is a big fat fucker in the SAC. Pilots had to be a minimum rank of Major to deal with the heavy moral burden associated with destroying all human life on the planet. It’s so beastly that it’s planned to be in service until 2040. Referred to as a flying dump truck, it has a 185ft wingspan and 8 monster engines that can unleash over 70,000 lbs of freedom onto any shit heads who waive their little dicks in the wind at America.

America hazed the shit out of Vietnam with B-52s in the 70’s. We dropped over 3 million tons of bombs on Charlie. Even though America eventually pulled out of Nam, we blew a huge 50-roper all over that country’s face when we did. Our load was so epic, Nam’s eyes are still burning from it. We fucked Vietnam’s face up so hard that the rest of the world still brown bags her when they want to hang out.

Part 5 coming soon. If you have any suggestions for military weapons/vehicles, leave them in the comments along with the usual trolling. I can actually in no way promise that part 5 will come soon, or if it will even come at all. Sometimes I get an idea and I can go all night long. Other times I cum once, twice, thrice, or whatever the fuck four times is and pass the fuck out… Deal with it.

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

If you missed Parts 1, 2, and 3 of the critically acclaimed “America: Big Swinging Dick of the World” series you can find them here:

America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 1
America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 2
America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 3

    1. StarsBars

      A throwback edition could be great. Possible topics could include: SR- 71 Blackbird- Spying on commies since ’66
      F- 14 Tomcat- For splashing MiGs and just looking badass with its folding wings
      P- 51 Mustang- Americas weapon responsible for bringing the once-feared luftwaffe to its knees
      F6F Hellcat- For wasting the imperial Japanese navy

      12 years ago at 11:20 am
    2. AGR1581

      Or possibly a person, maybe Lance P. Sijan or Robin Olds, two badasses who were POWs.

      12 years ago at 11:30 pm
    3. Join_Or_Die

      If you’re going with a person there’s really no question. Navy Seal sniper Chris Kyle has the highest kill count in US military history (160 confirmed kills, 255 claimed). He’s basically the most bad ass person who has ever lived.

      12 years ago at 11:04 am
    4. AGR1581

      ^Very true, I read his book and he fucks people u regularly. But we can’t forget Gunnery Sergeant John Basilone. Carrying a mounted machine gun around and killing japs is no easy feat. But everyone should read the story of Sijans trek/crawl through Vietnam. He escaped from capture and had a broken leg so couldn’t walk so he decided he would scoot on his back for the upwards of I believe 30 miles, he went so far his buttocks were worn to the bone but he still didn’t quit.
      And there is Robin Olds who quit shooting down Vietnamise planes so he wouldn’t become an ace and have to go back to America and not fight. Also he fucked plenty of officer clubs up. FaF.

      12 years ago at 1:03 am
    5. The Demofratic Party

      Excess military spending has gotten out of hand in our nation. We should instead focus our resources on welfare and social service programs, spreading the wealth from those who have too much to those who need help. TLiberalM.

      12 years ago at 1:18 pm
    6. AGR1581


      Or you could use the USS New York made of some 9/11 scrap metal. A big fuck you to the terrorists. Literally made of capitalism.

      12 years ago at 9:06 am
    1. scroogemcfrat

      General Mattis is by himself, one of America’s coolest, most bad ass weapons.

      “I come in peace. I didn’t bring artillery. But I’m pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you with me, I’ll kill you all.” – General Mattis

      12 years ago at 5:47 pm
    2. Mike Trollzella

      Violence is never the answer, and neither is exploiting our violence to the world. Shame on us.
      Obama ’12

      12 years ago at 10:38 pm
  1. Davy Crockett

    When I saw the AA12 I thought of Sterling Archer saying “Can it be fired with an erection?”

    12 years ago at 1:40 pm
    1. Davy Crockett

      Also while the B52 may shrivel the dicks of people in other countries reading about it gives me a full Patriot-boner.

      12 years ago at 1:42 pm
    2. Cupid

      ^You talk about boners alot. You must like them alot. Like more then usual. You thrive for them. I’m calling you a homo. Do you get what I’m saying?

      12 years ago at 1:50 pm
    3. Strictly Anal

      ^^To be fair – red, white, and blue are also the colors of France’s flag. So, while America uses them as symbols of global dominance, they can be losing colors.

      12 years ago at 11:05 am
  2. Jerry Fratdusky

    These columns give me bigger erections than the Kate Upton videos. Thank you Rage Theory.

    12 years ago at 1:47 pm
  3. Jerry Fratdusky

    Any time that I read one of these columns I feel like my dick just snorted a line of Viagra and coke.

    12 years ago at 2:01 pm
  4. Mashholder Stu

    And these are all the weapons the North would have, if the South ever decided to get tricky. TFM

    12 years ago at 2:03 pm
    1. Rob Fox

      I was going to delete this comment, because I hate these dumbass Civil War arguments, but instead I’m just going to let you know that you’re fucking stupid. Please no one get into a Civil War debate. Thanks.

      12 years ago at 2:10 pm
    2. Success

      He’s a troll Bacon. This is literally all he does, shit talk the south, hoping to start arguments. It’s pathetic and sad actually.

      12 years ago at 2:33 pm
    3. Mashholder Stu

      Bacon, don’t stick your nose into others peoples business, thats what southerners do

      12 years ago at 7:10 pm
    4. the fratness monster

      ^ Nobody gives a fuck about you in your life, and your mother should have had a pinata abortion in Mexico. Your arguments are flawed and you’ve proved that you are still in high school calling Washington D.C. the “nucleus” that only the soldiers will answer to in the event of civil war. While that is correct about the nucleus, that doesn’t mean shit when it comes to civil war, just like when the South soldiers didn’t answer to D.C. many years ago. Take your flawed agruments to youtube since that is only place where people like you can attempt to win an argument.

      12 years ago at 8:34 pm
    5. Mashholder Stu

      those must be the losing colors. kind of like buying a jacksonville jaguars jersey

      12 years ago at 9:11 pm
    6. Frat in Combat

      I’m not ignorant enough to not know what happened in the Civil War, but are you saying that red, white, and blue are the losing colors? If so, I’m pretty sure the win column significantly outnumbers the loss column for said color combination.

      12 years ago at 9:52 pm
    7. TFCT

      If the Confederacy were so great, they would’ve won the war and we’d still have all of the absurdity that comes along with them. Anybody flying the Confederate flag is nothing short of an anti-patriot, and is not to be taken seriously. The south will not rise again, and personally I would be just fine if we were to blow a good 65% of it into oblivion with the weapons mentioned in this article. Thank your for your time, and good night.

      12 years ago at 6:04 pm
  5. RisingFratstarOfTX

    How many times must I say this, TROOPS! Or are you waiting for the very last installment? If you end this series without mentioning the troops, so help me god Rage, SO HELP ME GOD!

    12 years ago at 2:08 pm
    1. RageTheory

      This is all just foreplay, guy. You can’t just rub one out when it comes to the troops. You gotta build it up… make the bitches want it.

      12 years ago at 2:55 pm
    2. RisingFratstarOfTX

      Point goes to you, sir. Forgot the first rule fratting, always leave them wanting more. Thanks for reminding me. Boner-inspiring article otherwise.

      12 years ago at 3:24 pm
  6. Sleazy Asshole

    I don’t remember what it is called, but there is a close-range missile we used in the gulf war and still use. When it is launched, it splits into several disks that automatically target enemy tanks/armor an destroy them. I’m pretty sure there are about 20 per missile. Drunk at the bar and I ain’t trying to look it up, but it should go on the next one.

    12 years ago at 3:29 pm
    1. ohiofratstar

      ^ the SKUD is a Ground to ground medium range missile used by rag head countries such as Iraq. if you are thinking of a close-in missile the only one is a sea-ram, which is a ship fired anti-ship missile, no longer used on the newer ships though. it was basically an AIM-7 with a different guidance system.

      12 years ago at 5:27 pm