America: The Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 3

America is the greatest country on Earth for many reasons. Democracy, freedom, fast food, flip cup… but ultimately it comes down to the fact that we are the best at making other people dead. If life is a game, you can’t win it if you aren’t alive. That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force this planet has ever seen.


MOAB is a military acronym for the GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast. It is most commonly known by its thug name, “Mother of All Bombs”. It’s about as big as bombs get without going nuclear. Nuclear bombs are cool and all, but hippies make a fuss about them because they… I dunno… cause Asians to grow tails or something. When destroying the Earth’s viability to support life is not an option, MOAB is the solution. It is completely ridiculous in size, weighing over 10 tons. MOABs are so big that they can’t be delivered by any traditional fighter jet or bomber, they have to be rolled out the back of a C-130 like a drunk fat bitch.

It isn’t designed for penetration (like Ron Jeremy), but it is incredibly effective in psychological “shock and awe” operations. When you drop something this big on some motherfuckers walking around in the desert they tend to lose the will to fight real quickly. It’s like using a shotgun to kill an ant… the colony hears about it.

F-22 Raptor

Air superiority is kind of like BDSM. If the world were a fucked up snuff film, we would be the top while everyone else is a bottom. We would be the ones pissing down into a pit and every other air force in the world would “put the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” The F-22 completely dominates anything and everything that flies. It is decades more advanced than any other fighter jet in production. One reason for this is that there is a ban on the export of Raptor parts. It is so fuckin’ sweet that we won’t let anyone figure out how to replicate it.

The F-22 is a finely tuned fuck machine, whose performance causes people to black out. The plane is literally too awesome for unmediated human flight. It is so agile that it has computer software designed to limit the pilot’s control. Without computer limitation, a cocky pilot could pull so much G-force that he would shit his intestines out of his asshole… right after busting a huge nut in his flight suit.

The F-22 is still being used, but no longer being produced, mainly because Chinese and Russian 5th generation planes are like children’s toys in comparison. It can maintain sustained supersonic flight with the radar cross section the size of a marble. The Raptor matches up against foreign “fighter jets” like a trained MMA cage fighter with a record of 221-0 versus a three-month-old fetus. It aborts other aircraft before they even see it coming.

Ohio Class Submarines

Submarines are giant submersible dicks with a huge load of seamen inside of them. Do you know what America does with our giant dicks full of seamen? We fuck the world in the ass, that’s what. The Cold War was just a big dick-measuring contest between America and the baby dicked communists of the world. They tried to keep up with us and look what happened; their entire Un-American Shitty Socialist Republic of retards collapsed. We won the Cold War and took our rightful place at helm of humanity. At the forefront of America’s planetary dominance is our fleet of nuclear submarines, which strike fear into all of the ass mongrels who to dare to oppose the complete American ownage of Earth.

Ohio Class Submarines come in two flavors, SSGNs and SSBNs. The former carries guided missiles, the latter carries ballistic missiles. The SSGN carries 154 Tomahawk missiles, more than an entire carrier group. If you don’t know about Tomahawk missiles you’re probably an uninformed emo, pacifist. Nothing delivers democracy to the front door of asshole terrorists as effectively as a Tomahawk missile. We’ve been blowing bitches up from a thousand miles away for almost two decades with these bad boys. Two of the missile tubes on the SSGN are converted into lockout chambers capable of launching Navy Seals, the super sperm of our special forces. When these badasses get released, somebody’s getting’ pregnant… and you know we don’t pay child support.

But when it really comes to sheer destruction, the scales tip for the SSBNs. Boomers carry enough Trident nuclear ICBMs to blow up the moon. America has more nuclear weapons than all other countries combined. In reality, we don’t need nearly as many nuclear weapons as we have, but of course, the line is fine between self-defense and wrathful vengeance. One good thing about being able to end all life on Earth is that it makes people hesitant to fuck with us. That’s pretty much why America does whatever it wants, regardless of the popular opinion of pussies. Other nations are too afraid to challenge us because of our jaw dropping ability to crap firepower down their throats. Nobody is man enough to try to beat us at chess because they know if they get the upper hand we will flip over the game board and rip everyone’s arms off. The world knows that in order to survive, the best strategy is to let the Wookie win.

Part 4 coming soon. If you have any suggestions for military weapons/vehicles, leave them in the comments along with the usual trolling. I can actually in no way promise that part 4 will come soon, or if it will even come at all. Sometimes I get an idea and I can go all night long. Other times I cum once, twice, or thrice and pass the fuck out… Deal with it.

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

If you missed Parts 1 and 2 of the critically acclaimed “America: Big Swinging Dick of the World” series you can find them here:
Part 1
Part 2

    1. Bama4Obama

      its supposed to be a play on the mad hater from alice in worldland you stupid FUCK! and also if we didnt waste so much money on all these stupid weapons we would have more money to help the poor!!! #oh

      12 years ago at 4:49 pm
    2. RisingFratstarOfTX

      Hey guys, it’s everybody’s favorite liberal spouting shit nobody cares about, Bama4Obama! How ya been, ass ranger?

      12 years ago at 7:30 pm
    3. superwayne

      Come in now rising frat star. Be nice to kansas liberal and bama4obama. It’s not their fault they are stupid fucks from the north. They should go butt fuck and kill each other.

      12 years ago at 8:47 pm
    4. FratMuscle

      Yeah you can keep the losing southern states in the losing south. The North has never lost a war.

      12 years ago at 8:16 am
    5. Team Merica

      Idea for next column (part 04): CIWS Sea Wiz carried on Coast Guard Cutters and Naval Warships… YouTube to see this bad boy in action.

      12 years ago at 11:09 am
    6. superman that hoe

      yeah because we give a fuck about some lazy welfare collecting assholes who complain about opportunity when they live in fucking AMERICA!? My father grew up in a fucking shack and now owns a law firm so you two fucks can shut the fuck up!
      P.S this is Total Frat Move not Total Liberal Move. Bitch!

      12 years ago at 3:19 pm
  1. RisingFratstarOfTX

    I think part 4 needs to be a look into the top dogs of each military branch. SEALS, Green Berets, the whole shebang.

    12 years ago at 1:09 pm
    1. fourtyone

      A) ^^ This guy. Hooyah SWCC.

      B) Why is it so fucking hard for people to spell SEALs correctly? It’s not like they, you know, killed the ace of spades recently or anything…

      12 years ago at 1:53 pm
    2. FratMuscle

      ^^Air Force Pararescue are some fucked up guys. They are all clinically insane and have testicles that would make an elephant shy in the showers.

      12 years ago at 2:05 pm
    3. livefratordie

      If you do something on the navy SEALS, you need to include the SDV. Convertible submarines are the tits. Also the B-52 may be old as hell but nothing can dish out more punishment.

      12 years ago at 2:35 pm
    4. KApitaltrade

      Don’t forget about MARSOC Marines. They are some badasses that rival the SEALs in just about everything.

      12 years ago at 4:06 pm
    5. fourtyone

      ^ Without starting an armchair commando internet debate… you should probably go get laid by a saguaro cactus

      12 years ago at 11:53 pm
    6. StarsBars

      A throw back edition would be great. Could feature everything from the SR 71, F 14, to Tommy guns, the M1 Garande and P 51’s.

      12 years ago at 12:16 pm
    1. holdin pee in for u

      I have to play pocket pool after every single one of these articles I read.

      12 years ago at 3:15 pm
    2. Liam BroKelley

      Rrat on sir. There’s only one thing i love more than my whiskey and a nice pair of titties, and it’s America.

      12 years ago at 4:57 pm
    1. Brooks Bro

      ^What do you mean yanks don’t understand? With out “yanks” there would be no America. If you recall yanks led the revolution and yanks preserved America when the south tried to mess it up.

      12 years ago at 6:39 pm
  2. SperryFratty

    America doesn’t have nearly twice as many nuclear warheads as the rest of the world. Russia alone has more than we do.

    12 years ago at 1:55 pm
    1. American

      Letting Russia believe they have more Nukes so when shit hits the fan we can rape them. TFM

      12 years ago at 9:28 pm
  3. Chuds

    It’s like using a shotgun to kill an ant… the colony hears about it.

    ^fucking this had me rolling

    12 years ago at 1:55 pm
    1. TheFertileTurtle

      the entire fucking column got me. Everytime i see a submarine on tv or something i’m going to cum my pants from now on.

      12 years ago at 6:37 pm
    1. EgoFratErgoSum

      The “Unreconstructed Rebel.” Lived for one purpose: to haze the shit out of bitch ass Nazi pledges.

      12 years ago at 2:17 pm