America: The Big Swinging Dick of the World

America is the greatest country on Earth for many reasons. Democracy, freedom, pornography, flushing toilets… but ultimately it comes down to the fact that we are the best at making other people dead. If life is a game, you can’t win it if you aren’t alive. That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force this planet has ever seen.

Aircraft Carriers

If there is any one reason why America can shit on the rest of the world, it’s our aircraft carrier fleet. A Nimitz class aircraft carrier is over 100,000 tons of diplomacy and each one travels with a carrier strike group comprised of an armada of guided missile cruisers, frigates, and destroyers. One of our carrier groups can pretty much destroy most other navies. There are only 21 active aircraft carriers around the world and we own half of those bitches. All 11 of our ships are actually classified as Super Carriers, which are big as fuck. All the other GDI carriers are medium sized, which means they shrivel in comparison to our Magnum XL naval fleet.

AC-130 Spectre Gunship

The AC-130 is one of the most beastly airplanes ever made. It is essentially a flying battleship. It rocks two 20mm, a 40 mm, and a 105 mm cannon. All the guns are mounted on the left side so that the plane can just circle a town and make it rain on hoes all day long. The AC-130 is for situations when you just want to shoot some motherfuckers to death. No bombs, no laser guidance, just good old-fashioned Howitzers. It’s pretty much a Bible Battleship in the sky, punishing all the infidels who don’t worship the one true path of Capitalism.

A-10 Warthog

Some super nerds with small dicks decided to design a huge Gattling gun called the GAU-8 Avenger. They thought for sure that designing the largest rotary cannon in the world would get them a shit ton of ass. Then the nerds realized that no plane existed that was badass enough to carry the beast. The A-10 was designed with the sole purpose of carrying this massive cannon, which fires 30mm beer bottle sized bullets made out of depleted uranium at 4,000 rounds per minute. The A-10 quickly gained notoriety in Desert Storm by leaving behind twisted metal and charred corpses everywhere it went. Nothing is as terrifying as hearing Rammstein blasted over loudspeakers while a buzzsaw-like hail storm of cannon shells destroys your entire village. The nerds triumphed in making one of the most effective air to ground assault aircraft of all time. Unfortunately for them, the pilots obviously still got all the ass. Apparently, even if you design a badass flying death machine, you’re still a nerd.

MQ-1 Predator

We have successfully eliminated the human element when it comes to murdering people from thousands of miles away by using remote control death drones. The Predator is an unmanned aerial vehicle that has an array of cameras and sensors. It also comes equipped with two Hellfire rockets for maximum enforcement of democracy. The whole shebang can be operated from inside a surveillance van. Legislation has made it surprisingly easy to allow the use of Predators for civilian surveillance inside the continental United States. In these strange modern times, a creepy van parked down the street might not be the familiar rape van of your local child predator. It could be the CIA using drones to spy on you while you masturbate. No more getting weird around windows anymore. Have no fear though, soon the Terminator will come back in time to destroy all the drones before Skynet can go online. It seems that the only hope we have left for civil privacy is a fictional robot that is human enough to get elected.

America can get away with murder… literally. If anyone has a problem with what we do, we rape them with our billion dollar dildo launchers from anywhere in the world. No nation has ever commanded such awesomeness in all of history. We don’t give a fuck about the UN or any of the Europussies. We do what we want, when we want and we will destroy this planet before we let anyone tell us otherwise.

Part 2 coming soon. If you have any suggestions for military weapons/vehicles, leave them in the comments along with the usual trolling. I can’t promise Part 2 will come soon, or if it will even come at all. Sometimes I get an idea and I can go all night long. Other times I cum once and pass the fuck out… Deal with it.

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

  1. RutherfordBHayes

    Add B-52’s, Seal Team 6/Delta force, The Beloved Corps, and the hazer of the world…the F-22 Raptor

    12 years ago at 4:58 pm
    1. Tallapoosa Snu

      Sat on top of a car dealership to watch an F-22 peform with the Blue Angels. It accidentally flew too low and shattered half the windows on the lot. America.

      12 years ago at 6:20 pm
    2. UnnecessarilyTFTC

      ^^They are not phasing out F-22’s buddy, not at all. The F-22 Raptor is an air superiority fighter, which is a totally different role than the F-35 will.

      12 years ago at 7:03 pm
    3. sinatrastar

      Right, but they aren’t buying any more. The military is spending on developing the NG/Lockheed Martin F-35 joint strike fighter; which is lead in its initiation to the Department of Defense by the the tip of the spear… My good Marine Corps.

      12 years ago at 7:24 pm
    4. GeorgeZRedford

      ^^^^^^ Blue angels fly F-18’s like the rest of the navy, not F-22’s which is an air-force plane.

      12 years ago at 8:27 pm
    5. tkelly7

      However with that said I do not have enough fingers and toes to name all the Death Machines the U.S military has. So he can not name them all.

      12 years ago at 9:42 pm
    6. Fratfrey Dahmer

      I think owning the most nuclear bombs will do it. Yeah, being the only county to nuke another one is FaF to me. I’ll take a nuclear bomb (ICBM) over an F-35 any day.

      12 years ago at 1:11 am
    7. BetaFrattyChi

      This is funny because the F-35 was recently deemed a failure due to hardware malfunctions. F-22 still kicks ass.

      12 years ago at 2:06 am
    8. Frataholic

      Marines are great and all, but not as much Marine aviation. Not these days anyway. They have gay ROEs. F35 is an Air Defense/Attack plane meant to replace the F16, 18, & A/V8. We could shelve it for another decade and still be in good shape. It’ll suck if they get rid of A10s with 35s.

      12 years ago at 2:28 pm
    1. TheNastyOne

      BACON YOU SLIMY FUCK WHERE IS MY FUCKING FRAT ROMANCE NOVEL PART 4? I GET BLUE BALLS EVERY TIME I SEE “NEW COLUMN POSTED” AND IT IS NOT THE ROMANCE….. A FUCKING BONER-SMASHER. GAHHHH FUCK!!!!!

      12 years ago at 8:05 pm
    1. McMillan 1848

      ^Not getting it. When we bomb America’s communist enemy to either dust or submission we have peace.

      12 years ago at 6:20 pm
    2. Mintberrycrunch

      ^^ Was going to criticize this comment… until I read the name. Well played sir.

      12 years ago at 8:39 pm
  2. Fratloops

    love it. Add the Aurora Hypersonic Jet (most badass plane ever) and MIRVs. Stands for Multiple Independently Targetable re-entry Vehicle…. its a missile that we blast into space that can hold 10 nukes… and when it comes down it can break into pieces and shoot each nuke into a different place. We had this at the end of the Cold War… we could shoot it from here and reach the USSR

    12 years ago at 5:02 pm
  3. BootsAndSuits

    You forgot the F-22, F-35, and the B-2

    Probably the most frightening death machines known to mankind. ‘Merica.

    12 years ago at 5:03 pm
    1. Soggy_Croakies

      Not to mention the M1A1/2 Abrams main battle tank, AH-64 Apache, M2 Bradley, and a few more weapon systems i can’t remember right now.

      12 years ago at 9:21 pm
    2. DubyaOVERobama

      ^Agree with the Abrams and Apache. I always loved it when the Apache’s got PID on some haji fuck with a AK.

      12 years ago at 10:25 am
  4. beer and tits

    Glad to see the a-10 on here. Watching those bad boys do a strafing run will make you jizz a red, white, and blue load in your pants.

    12 years ago at 5:03 pm
    1. fratsofourfathers92

      “…will make you jizz a red, white, and blue load in your pants.” frat the fuck on.

      12 years ago at 9:53 pm
  5. Cincifratty

    F-22 Raptor, flies at 2.25 times the speed of sound, radar cross section of a fucking metal marble, maneuverable enough that they had to create a software that limits its flight characteristics so cocky pilots don’t rip their bodies apart.

    12 years ago at 5:08 pm
  6. Charleston FratEN

    The Marines. Got the nickname Devil Dogs from the fucking NAZIs? hellooo, if that doesn’t say we kill first and ask questions later I don’t know what does.

    Survivor? Your life is our reality show. And if you can survive for 30 days or whatever stupid short amount of time it is, you win a million dollars.

    12 years ago at 5:09 pm
    1. Cpl to KS

      lace em the Nazi’s where WW2 and the Battle of Belleau Woods was fought in WW1 that is where my kind received the name Teuful Hunden or hell hounds I’m pretty sure it was june 1918

      12 years ago at 5:35 pm
    2. Chris BROman

      You can keep your Army khaki, You can keep your Navy blue, I have the World’s best fighting man, To introduce to you
      His uniform is different, The best you’ve ever seen, The Germans called him “Devil Dog” His real name is “Marine.” He was born on Parris Island, The place where God forgot. The sand is eighteen inches deep, The sun is blazing hot. He gets up every morning, Before the rising sun. He’ll run a hundred miles and more, Before the day is done. He’s deadly with a rifle, A bayonet made of steel. He took the Warrior’s calling card, He’s mastered how to kill.
      And when he gets to heaven,
      St. Peter he will tell,
      One more Marine reporting, Sir,
      I’ve spent my time in Hell.

      Semper Fi, Brothers

      12 years ago at 5:36 pm
    3. Grandaddy frat

      Chris BROman is referring to WWI were the Marines earned their name of Devil Dogs when they fought the Germans in the Battle of Belleau Woods. Know your facts before you say anything chief

      12 years ago at 9:32 pm
    4. tkelly7

      Actually they got the name in World War 1 before the Nazis had come about. Furthermore the U.S Marines never saw combat with the Nazis because they were fighting in the Pacific while the U.S Army was fighting the Nazis in Europe.

      12 years ago at 9:37 pm
    5. howboutit

      He didn’t say Nazis, he said Germans you half shit. And if you were anything more than a pile of dog shit with downs syndrome, you’d know that the Nazi party rose to power after Germany got ass raped in WW1, as GERMANS, as in from GERMANY. And the Marines were actively fighting the Germans all throughout WW1, hence the lyric in the song. You make me sick. Now run some fucking laps you asshat.

      12 years ago at 10:31 am
  7. Frattingham68

    F-22. It was in a test against the former f-15 where it won 120-0 in air to air fighting. The f-15 had priorly never been shot down…SR-71 blackbird just when you thought you could go high this bastard can go higher

    12 years ago at 5:10 pm
    1. Frat Force

      My very first two thoughts. The F-35 is out of the running by simple fact that it will be distributed to multiple countries from the very beginning, and breaks the long-run American tradition of making our planes the supermodels of death and destruction by being ugly as sin. As for the SR-71 being included, who doesn’t want to fly the plane where the standard operating procedure for avoiding surface to air missiles is to hit the gas and break every speed record of the time? That’s as American as it gets.

      12 years ago at 5:15 pm
    2. The Standard

      The aurora is a myth and a rumor. Technology does not currently exist for sustained hypersonic flight.

      12 years ago at 6:19 pm
    3. GeorgeZRedford

      ^ Agree with this guy, the aurora doesn’t exist. well at least not as far as civilians know. SR-71 for the win. Flies so fast the metal gets re-tempered after every flight.

      12 years ago at 8:32 pm
    4. BetaFrattyChi

      ^^ Actually, the tech to sustain hypersonic flight isn’t that much more complicated when we’re talking aero-engineering (already complicated enough). As with most things, the initial development costs are what keep things like this from moving forward quickly (or just quicker for that matter). The structure materials to withstand the 5150mph in atmo aren’t the issue anymore. DoD got that covered a while back: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2024526/NY-LA-12-minutes-Hypersonic-aircraft-makes-test-flight-today-California.html

      12 years ago at 2:19 am