America: The Big Swinging Dick of the World
13 years ago

America is the greatest country on Earth for many reasons. Democracy, freedom, pornography, flushing toilets… but ultimately it comes down to the fact that we are the best at making other people dead. If life is a game, you can’t win it if you aren’t alive. That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force this planet has ever seen.

Aircraft Carriers

If there is any one reason why America can shit on the rest of the world, it’s our aircraft carrier fleet. A Nimitz class aircraft carrier is over 100,000 tons of diplomacy and each one travels with a carrier strike group comprised of an armada of guided missile cruisers, frigates, and destroyers. One of our carrier groups can pretty much destroy most other navies. There are only 21 active aircraft carriers around the world and we own half of those bitches. All 11 of our ships are actually classified as Super Carriers, which are big as fuck. All the other GDI carriers are medium sized, which means they shrivel in comparison to our Magnum XL naval fleet.

AC-130 Spectre Gunship

The AC-130 is one of the most beastly airplanes ever made. It is essentially a flying battleship. It rocks two 20mm, a 40 mm, and a 105 mm cannon. All the guns are mounted on the left side so that the plane can just circle a town and make it rain on hoes all day long. The AC-130 is for situations when you just want to shoot some motherfuckers to death. No bombs, no laser guidance, just good old-fashioned Howitzers. It’s pretty much a Bible Battleship in the sky, punishing all the infidels who don’t worship the one true path of Capitalism.

A-10 Warthog

Some super nerds with small dicks decided to design a huge Gattling gun called the GAU-8 Avenger. They thought for sure that designing the largest rotary cannon in the world would get them a shit ton of ass. Then the nerds realized that no plane existed that was badass enough to carry the beast. The A-10 was designed with the sole purpose of carrying this massive cannon, which fires 30mm beer bottle sized bullets made out of depleted uranium at 4,000 rounds per minute. The A-10 quickly gained notoriety in Desert Storm by leaving behind twisted metal and charred corpses everywhere it went. Nothing is as terrifying as hearing Rammstein blasted over loudspeakers while a buzzsaw-like hail storm of cannon shells destroys your entire village. The nerds triumphed in making one of the most effective air to ground assault aircraft of all time. Unfortunately for them, the pilots obviously still got all the ass. Apparently, even if you design a badass flying death machine, you’re still a nerd.

MQ-1 Predator

We have successfully eliminated the human element when it comes to murdering people from thousands of miles away by using remote control death drones. The Predator is an unmanned aerial vehicle that has an array of cameras and sensors. It also comes equipped with two Hellfire rockets for maximum enforcement of democracy. The whole shebang can be operated from inside a surveillance van. Legislation has made it surprisingly easy to allow the use of Predators for civilian surveillance inside the continental United States. In these strange modern times, a creepy van parked down the street might not be the familiar rape van of your local child predator. It could be the CIA using drones to spy on you while you masturbate. No more getting weird around windows anymore. Have no fear though, soon the Terminator will come back in time to destroy all the drones before Skynet can go online. It seems that the only hope we have left for civil privacy is a fictional robot that is human enough to get elected.

America can get away with murder… literally. If anyone has a problem with what we do, we rape them with our billion dollar dildo launchers from anywhere in the world. No nation has ever commanded such awesomeness in all of history. We don’t give a fuck about the UN or any of the Europussies. We do what we want, when we want and we will destroy this planet before we let anyone tell us otherwise.

Part 2 coming soon. If you have any suggestions for military weapons/vehicles, leave them in the comments along with the usual trolling. I can’t promise Part 2 will come soon, or if it will even come at all. Sometimes I get an idea and I can go all night long. Other times I cum once and pass the fuck out… Deal with it.

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

    1. GeorgeZRedford

      Oh you mean the plane that we sold designs and aircrafts to the UK, Australia, Canada, Norway, Israel, and Japan? Yeah that should definitely be on this list….

      13 years ago at 8:45 pm
  4. NewMemberEd

    Good read. Some other amazing American war machines are the B-2 Spirit, B-52, F-22, F-35, M1 Abrams and AH-64 Apache just to name a few. Not to mention the WASP class carriers that can carry an entire MEU complete with Harriers and Cobras.

    13 years ago at 5:16 pm
  5. Richard Head

    Fuck Barry. Fuck democrats. Fuck every other country on the face of the planet. America is the greatest nation in the world and anyone who disagrees can suck America’s cock.

    13 years ago at 5:16 pm
    3. Brovis Love III

      ^^^are you referring to Barry from Archer? becasue i agree, fuck that cyborg

      13 years ago at 9:39 pm
  8. Bros A Bank

    All of these are great weapons and all, but when it comes down to it they aren’t what win us every modern war we’ve gone into. We kick so much ass because our troops and personnel are simply the best at what they do in the world. Our basic soldiers are not only the best trained but also the best equipped in the world in terms of body armor, weapons, tools, and supplies. Look at desert storm. The Iraqis had 650 thousand veteran troops from fighting Iran, the forth largest army in the world at the time. They were well equipped with state of the art air defenses, tanks, aircraft, and missiles. The US led coalition obliterated them in less than 100 days with fewer forces, while only losing 300KIA. Oh, and we did it on their own turf. That’s a feat that will never be surpassed in military history. If our military was equated to dick size, we wouldn’t just be XL magnum, we’d have a 36″ cannon. Also, we’ve done this without a draft, a wartime economy, and significant spending cuts since WW2. If the shit hit the fan and we put our selves behind a war like 70 years ago, we could literally take on the entire world and have a pretty good shot at winning.

    13 years ago at 5:28 pm
    1. MOMOgotMojo

      P-51 Mustang=showing those squintey eyed pussys what happens when you cheap shot America

      13 years ago at 8:07 pm
    2. Fratman and Robin

      The F4U Corsair, the P-47, and the F4F hellcat were instrumental in the war in the pacific. Don’t forget the B-24, the B-17, and the almighty B-29 flying fortress.

      13 years ago at 8:38 pm
    3. R0ll_Tide

      I’m not questioning the effectiveness of the others. The P-40 and P-51 and the men behind them were some of the most bad ass fighters of their time.

      13 years ago at 9:39 pm