American Icons: Bryce Harper

”Clint Huggins, a Las Vegas High assistant and mathematics teacher, measured this one himself: A homer by Harper when he was a 15 year-old freshman, traveled over the right-field fence, two trees, a 20-foot embankment, five lanes of Hollywood Boulevard and up a sandy foothill — precisely 570 feet.” – Pittsburgh Post-Gazette


You see, the legend has been in the works for some time now. At the age when many of you were starting to get hair in weird places and trying to get control of your constant no-reason boners, Bryce Harper was making headlines with his bat and setting the legend in motion. His name is well-known among baseball fans. Even the casual “I’ll tune in when October starts” guy has at least heard of him. He’s the Lebron James of baseball prospects, and his time is upon us. Bryce Harper, the ballplayer, doesn’t have any equals among his peers. It’s the man behind the ballplayer, though, that takes him into another stratosphere. The guy has an attitude highly coveted in the fratting industry. He makes Australian party icon Corey Worthington look like an outspoken PETA activist. A rumor exists, albeit unsubstantiated, that says after a game as a high school freshman, in which he hit two bombs, he sexed the opposing coach’s wife. I don’t think I buy it, but it’s out there. If you don’t already know why this kid’s story is a must-know, you’re about to.

The 500+ ft. Bomb in High School

A 570 ft. blast for a high school freshman is an unfathomable feat. By comparison, the longest home run in the 2011 MLB Home Run Derby was 474 ft. by Prince Fielder. These are the greatest long ball hitters in the world, presumably, and they had a decade in age on the young Bryce. Yeah, I don’t get it either. The kid has man strength, and the torque his swing creates is absurd.

Can you imagine coaching the game when 15 year-old Harper puts that fucker over five lanes of traffic?

“What do you say now? Find a way to get on base. C’mon now, Johnny!”

Holy shit. Johnny is terrible. Bryce is on deck, though. Kid’s a goddamn freak. Johnny, you better get your ass on base.

Johnny gets walked.

“Alright. Way to go!”

Hell yes. Bryce is about to fuck this pitcher up. He has no idea what’s coming. Get into one, kid.

“Find your pitch now, Harp!”



Note: 570 ft. homerun coverage starts at 1:30

Left High School Early

Collegiate athletes regularly leave school early to play professionally. In some sports, namely baseball and basketball, high school graduates have the option of skipping college completely if they are one of the few fortunate ones able to jump immediately to their respective professional leagues. It’s rare for this to happen, and it takes some ridiculous athletic ability.

Now, have you ever heard of anyone leaving HIGH SCHOOL early to pursue a professional sports paycheck? Well, Bryce Goddamn Harper did, two years early actually. His reason for this was to accelerate his readiness for professional ball by playing a year with better competition. Also, he would be drafted a year earlier. By leaving high school, Harper was able to enter the 2010 draft as a 17 year-old. He was drafted #1 overall by the Washington Nationals.

“Yo Bryce, what do you have going on this summer, man? I can’t believe we’re gonna be juniors already!”

“Oh, I didn’t tell you? I won’t be here next year.”

“Huh? You transferring schools?”

“I’m playing ball at College of Southern Nevada.”

“The fuck?”

Harper’s final collegiate baseball game: 6-for-6 with four home runs and 10 RBIs

He’s Cocky

If there’s one thing Dorn admires in a dominant athlete, it’s cockiness. MJ had it. Tiger has it. And Bryce Harper has it in spades. He’s better than everyone around him, and he flaunts it. He also wears eye black that would grant him no-questions-asked backstage access at a Kiss concert.

Harper pulled off the only known pre-18 year-old professional baseball TFM ever. While rocking a disgusting “I’m better than you” mustache and a “fuck you” mohawk, he takes someone deep (someone much older than him mind you), pimps it, and sends him an air kiss after rounding third base.

Harper also plans on breaking his homerun distance record.

“Hopefully I’ll get bigger and stronger, have a better swing, and hopefully hit a ball about 600 feet.”

Before Harper further explodes on the scene and makes his big league debut, enjoy his tear through minor league ball. He was recently sent to Triple-A ball where the Nationals are grooming him to become a centerfielder. He’ll be up soon enough, and when he does, enjoy the show.

  1. fratanomics

    You are eligible for the MLB draft once you’ve graduated from HS. He decided to go to juco so he could jump to MLB whenever he wanted. I don’t know why he decided to graduate from HS early only to play a year of junior college ball after he was already drafted, but who am I to question this guy.

    12 years ago at 10:37 am
    1. IowaHawkai

      ^^You aren’t eligible upon high school graduation if you graduate early. He graduated 2 years early and the only reason he played the juco season was to become eligible for the draft after what would have been his junior year. I don’t know why fratanomics didn’t do his research before that comment, but who am I to question this guy.

      12 years ago at 4:03 pm
    2. fratanomics

      ^ Bryce Harper was drafted by the Nationals the summer before he enrolled in college.

      “The minimum age for major league draft eligibility is 16, upon completion of high school.”

      Read this article: and then take laps till I say stop.

      12 years ago at 6:06 pm
    3. iRage

      ^False. He played the 2010 season at Southern Nevada before being drafted that June. You’re not wrong about eligibility, but you are wrong about when he was drafted. He got his GED winter of 2009 and enrolled at Southern Nevada for the spring season. He was drafted and went pro as soon as possible. Stop telling people to take laps if you don’t know what you’re talking about. It makes you look like a dumbass.

      12 years ago at 11:12 pm
    4. Jimbofrat

      ^You’re right, who are you to question this guy… Stick to your miserable life of fratenomics while Bryce is busy laying pipe.

      12 years ago at 4:53 pm
  2. Davy Crockett

    Assuming he has a decent golf swing, I would love to see how far he could slam a golf ball.

    12 years ago at 10:41 am
  3. Not to knock on the kids long ball ability, but you cant compare it to the home run derby considering he was using an aluminum bat and the pros use wood bats. If you gave Prince Fielder an aluminum bat he’d be hitting the ball over 700 feet.

    12 years ago at 10:52 am
    1. Rob Fox

      Yeah my guess is that Prince could probably go well over 600ft if he connected on a fastball w/ an aluminum bat. That said Dorn is right, the kid was fucking 15 when he did it. The only thing Prince Fielder was doing at 15 years old was devouring tacos and listening to his dad bitch about bankruptcy proceedings.

      12 years ago at 11:02 am
    2. the_alpha_Tau

      An aluminum bat adds about 10% distance over a wooden bat. 110% of 474ft is about 521 feet. Bryce still has him beat.

      12 years ago at 11:05 am
    3. Mighty Proud

      Prince Fielder hit a homerun out of Tigers Stadium when he was 12 years old while his dad Cecil Fielder was playing for Detroit. That’s pretty fucking impressive.

      12 years ago at 11:26 am
    4. Downwind

      ^Not only did he hit it out, it landed on the third fucking deck of tiger stadium.

      12 years ago at 1:53 pm
    5. Cigar Aficionado

      The Prince Fielder homerun in Tiger Stadium was bullshit. He clearly admits that he just hit it over the right field wall…

      12 years ago at 2:29 pm
    6. shooter

      Bill Brasky is a ten-foot two ton sonofabitch who could take a shotgun blast standing.

      12 years ago at 11:04 pm
    7. SPE_663

      How do we know the ball did not hit bounce and roll a awhile before stopping? Let me hit a baseball on a flat top surface and it will go 570 feet too after bounces and rolling for awhile.

      12 years ago at 6:59 am
    1. Frat OClock

      1. He’s Mormon.
      2. He didn’t play in his final collegiate game because he got ejected the game before while arguing a called 3rd strike.

      12 years ago at 1:10 am
    1. Downwind

      No, he’s fucking right.

      I met this kid at a Perfect Game showcase when we we’re freshman in high school, and he’s by far the biggest tool I’ve met in my entire life.

      I can’t wait for his first MLB at bat, because I guarantee whoever it is gives him some chin music.

      12 years ago at 2:00 pm
    2. Downwind

      Actually I was drafted as a MIF out of high school, but you’re right, I know nothing about baseball or rating talent…

      I didn’t say he wasn’t talented…I said he’s a major douche, which anyone with a television should be able to see.

      12 years ago at 8:19 pm
    3. Fratman175

      Anyone with a brain would realize that when one is that outstanding at something, then they have the right to be a bit cocky. Again, better luck next year chump.

      12 years ago at 10:10 am
    4. Downwind

      He’s not even a 5-tool player…he has a plus arm and plus power. Otherwise he’s an average right-fielder, with okay speed and lacking the ability to hit for average. There are other prospects who deserve way more attention than this kid.

      12 years ago at 5:54 pm
    5. Fratman175

      Are you seriously making that argument? You call yourself a baseball player too? Look at Prince Fielder. Is he a 5-tool player? No. He speed is atrocious, and his fielding is sub-par. Additionally, his average has never been that outstanding, and he strikes out once in every six or so AB. He is just a pure power hitter. But no, since he is not a 5-tool player he would not get one of the richest contracts in MLB history. No wonder you are going no where in baseball. Learn the game, before you preach it, and complain about other players’ skill.

      12 years ago at 5:52 pm
    1. NodaylikeFratterday

      Agreed. I grew up playing ball with this kid, and at birth he had some defects that he needed steroids to survive, which in turn, created a beast of a child. There’s pictures of us as ten year olds playing ball and he’s a good foot taller than everybody, so no doubt his skill is praisable, but why the fuck is tfm sucking this gdi’s dick so hard?

      12 years ago at 4:36 pm
    2. Reagans disciple

      you grew up with bryce harper?

      please tell me how much insight you have into his early development

      12 years ago at 10:33 pm
  4. TheMasonDixon

    Would have been too much of a hit to his ego/ confidence to send him down to AA where he belongs. He hit .256 in AA last year when he was promoted. But, if he can stay healthy and mash pitching, the Nat’s are going to be a terror in a couple years. Can you imagine his contract when that finally happens?

    12 years ago at 12:28 pm
  5. carolinahaze

    1) He was using an aluminum bat.
    2) “570 feet” is probably an exaggerated figure.

    12 years ago at 1:17 pm