An Email Exchange Between A Broken Pledge And His Concerned Mother

Dillon Cheverere11 years ago

Moms worry. It’s what they do. It doesn’t matter if you’re playing sports, driving on long road trips or dating that new chick she’s still unsure of — she is always worried something bad will happen to you. It’s on page 1 in the Mom Guide. It’s her nature, and it’s because she loves you. This becomes exponentially truer when you leave her nest for college.

She has to keep in touch with you.

From: Mom
Subject: My baby boy
Date: March 11, 2013 9:20 AM
To: Carl

Carl,

Just thought I’d check in with you. Your phone seems to be turned off so I figured I’d try to get in touch with you here.

Your father told me about a charge on the credit card from the hospital. That’s a little concerning, but I know you’re responsible and if it was serious you’d have told us about it. Plus, I know how crazy you college kids can be! Are you okay? Hopefully it was a sprained ankle or something minor. You know how worried I can get, but I’m just a mom!!!

Miss you and love you bunches!

XOXO,
Mom

P.S. Baxter says hi, too!

From: Carl
Subject: Re: My baby boy
Date: March 12, 2013 10:35 PM
To: Mom

Mom,

My phone is broken, but I’m fine. Thanks for checking in. Tell the family I said hello.

– Carl

From: Mom
Subject: Re: My baby boy
Date: March 13, 2013 7:58 AM
To: Carl

Carl,

Not so fast, mister! I’m not letting you off the hook that easily. You know me better than that!

We haven’t spoken in days. I want to know what’s going on in your life. I know you’re busy with all the beautiful young ladies up there (be careful with them PLEASE), all the fun parties, and hanging out with your new frat brothers, but you have to make time for your family. How are classes? How are your grades coming along? Meet anyone interesting? Money holding out okay? WHY DID YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL?

I gotta go. Your father is snoring like a freight train and Baxter is whining for his breakfast. I just love you so much, Carl. So, so much.

XOXO,
Mom

From: Carl
Subject: Re: My baby boy
Date: March 13, 2013 10:01 AM
To: Mom

Mom,

Sorry, I’m just really busy right now and don’t have a lot of time to chat.

Long story short, this pledging stuff for my fraternity is not all fun and games. They keep us very busy, but that’s not the worst of it. I can’t really get into right now, but I’m having a rough time, and I still have WEEKS left.

The hospital visit was because I separated my right shoulder. Alright?!

– Carl

From: Mom
Subject: Re: My baby boy
Date: March 13, 2013 10:08 AM
To: Carl

Carl!

Please don’t get testy with me. Please. I’m your mom! How did you separate your shoulder? That is a serious injury! You’re not drinking a bunch of beers up there, are you? I told you they would make you act like a fool and give you a beer belly. Haha the girls won’t like that.

Please tell me you’re being smart, Carl. I know you will occasionally drink a couple beers with your frat friends because that’s what they do, but don’t get too drunk and you better not ever drink and drive. Ever. I hope those boys are being nice to you. I can’t stand the thought of anyone being mean to my baby.

At least tell me your grades are in line. Remember, we expect a 3.5 minimum this semester! You can do it! Go for the 4.0!!!

Baxter is starting to bark at me. I think he can feel my stress and it’s upsetting him. It’s tough being a mom sometimes, my baby boy.

Love,
Mom

From: Mom
Subject: Re: My baby boy
Date: March 13, 2013 7:52 PM
To: Carl

Carl? Your grades? Please respond. Your father and I are concerned about your GPA. Baxter is too!!!

Kisses,
Mom

From: Carl
Subject: Re: My baby boy
Date: March 13, 2013 11:36 PM
To: Mom

Goddammit, Mom. I don’t give a shit about Baxter. I didn’t like that little nutless fuck when I lived with him, and I certainly don’t like him now.

My grades are terrible, okay? OKAY? If I was a baseball player, I’d have been sent down to the minors by now. I suck at school. Or hell, maybe I don’t suck at school, but I NEVER HAVE ANY TIME TO STUDY BECAUSE I’VE HAD A PADDLE STUCK UP MY ASS SINCE THE SEMESTER STARTED.

I separated my shoulder when a drunk active in the fraternity threw me into a wall. No, he didn’t push me. He’s a 6’4″, 275 lb. mountain of a man that is somehow still in college, and he literally picked me up with one hand on the back of my collar and the other by my belt, and he literally fucking threw me into a wall in the house. My head went right through the drywall and my right shoulder hit square on a wooden stud. THERE! That’s why I went to the hospital. But guess what! That wasn’t even my worst night pledging so far.

Fuck college.

From: Mom
Subject: Re: My baby boy
Date: March 14, 2013 11:23 AM
To: Carl

Carl? Is that really you?

I’m so devastated right now and I don’t know how to handle it. What’s gotten into you? I’ve never seen you use language like this before. What is wrong?! Are you being terrorized by the frat guys? Oh my goodness I’m literally crying right now. Baxter is laying by my side comforting me. He knows I’m upset. Oh my sweet baby Carl. What happened to the nice young gentleman we raised?

Should your father and I drive up there to come see you? We can help you get through whatever it is you’re going through. We could even bring Baxter.

– Your broken mother

From: Carl
Subject: Re: My baby boy
Date: March 14, 2013 1:15 PM
To: Mom

Mom, listen to me: if you show up at my dorm with Baxter in your arms, I’m going to set him on fire in the parking lot.

– Carl

From: Mom
Subject: Re: My baby boy
Date: March 14, 2013 1:50 PM
To: Carl

You’re a monster, Carl.