An Ode to the Fratio

Gone are the frigid days of winter, where the only thing gracing the Frat Castle’s front porch are empty beer cans, cigarette butts, and the occasional drunk girl sobbing on her phone. Spring has sprung, and that means all fraternity men will be spending every moment they can on The Fratio.

What compels the fraternity man to sit outside on his front porch for hours on end, drinking, blaring music, playing catch, and shouting at sorostitutes like drunken, charming construction workers? Is it the weather? Yes. Is it because we love to toss around the football? Yes. But more than those it’s the opportunity to show everybody who we are and what we do.

Rarely does the outsider get to see a fraternity man in action. We have secret rituals, closed parties, and we basically lock down our own bars. We may be around campus every day, and we definitely stand out, but we hardly make a scene (pledge humiliation excluded). However out on the fratio any GDI can drive their Prius by and see the fraternity man in true form.

There are a few simple but key ingredients to the perfect fratio experience. These ingredients are as follows: the adequate music, activities, and frattire.

Music is the first fratio ingredient. Any time you have a collection of dudes on the front porch with no music, it can be confused with some sort of weird nature meeting. We need to let all of Greek Town, and the whole campus, know that we are raging. A wide variety of music is acceptable — a wider variety than the traditional party. Of course any current rap is acceptable, as is country and classic rock. However at a quality fratio day drink session cheesy pop can be acceptably sprinkled in. You can’t go wrong with frat classics like Dave Matthews either. The only binding rule is that the songs must be recognizable. We aren’t fucking hipsters that are trying to prove our musical taste (and sadly, self worth) by playing obscure music. Keep it mainstream or classic.

The next ingredient of a perfect fratio is the activities. A good old game of pigskin is a must. Play some 3 on 3 if you have room or just toss it back and forth. Frisbees have been seen on or near the fratio and can be a tough call. My thoughts are that you’re only allowed one at a time, but NO PLAYING ULTIMATE like some fucking GDI rec league. Don’t be afraid to get creative with the lawn games either. Bust out a croquet set, practice cornhole for tailgate season, maybe even play some volleyball. A slip and slide is also a quality fratio activity and a brilliant way to lure some sorostitutes to come over, take their clothes off, and get wet. I’ve even seen fratio ping-pong. The best part about fratio activities is that they are in no way mandatory. All you need is a couple of couches from the formal room and a 2+ brothers and you’re set.

The final aspect might be the most controversial of any given fratio, and that is the frattire. Some normal fraternity clothing rules do not apply. Opt for the Nikes instead of the Sperrys for the football game. If you can play in Sperrys, more power to you. Shirts aren’t required, but make sure atleast 40% of fratio participants are wearing shirts, any less than that and shit just gets weird. Don’t forget the Costas and Croakies, of course. Jerseys are strongly encouraged, especially if you have an NBA jersey from the Jordan era. But remember, wearing a jersey doesn’t make you play any better. That’s what the Asian basketball players at the rec haven’t figured out. Of course the most important part of any fratio attire is a red solo cup full of booze. The red solo cup could technically be its own category, but since just about everyone on the fratio has one it might as well be considered the most popular accessory. Fill that cup with whatever you damn well feel like: beer, margaritas, leftover jungle juice, summer brew, whatever. It doesn’t matter, just fill that damn cup.

I’m so glad it’s spring. Now get off your fucking computer and enjoy the weather.

Follow me on Twitter @MizzouFratBoy

  1. Sry4Chaying

    Jerseys? Are you fucking serious? God this just might be the hardest trying article I’ve ever read. Thank you for telling us how to drink on a patio, fuckface.

    12 years ago at 10:14 am
    1. Karl Rove

      ^^^Could you please explain to me what the fuck “chaying” is and why some asshole from Nantucket wants to follow me on twitter with that in his name?

      12 years ago at 7:56 pm
    2. better_than_you

      Jerseys? Only those playing in the game and cancer kids should be allowed to wear jerseys. If you ain’t one of them, your doing it wrong.

      12 years ago at 8:24 pm
    3. Sry4Chaying

      ^Old Man Webster’s definition of ‘Chaying; The ultimate form of hanging out. Also, extreme, excessive indulgence, usually during daylight hours – debauchery and revelry.’ Although I can assure you, Karl, that I do not have a twitter, nor would follow you if I did…nor am I from Nantucket. Hope this clears up your issue, frat on.

      12 years ago at 12:42 am
  2. BlackoutandFraton

    What kind of playlist are you going for there? Put on the classics and not that dumb “Call me Maybe” shit. Fuck jerseys. Makes you think which fraternity at Mizzou he is from.

    12 years ago at 10:22 am
    1. Thundercockstoltze

      anyone from mizzou, I am pretty sure that this just validated the fact that Mizzou Frat boy is a Phi Kapp.

      12 years ago at 6:33 pm
  3. The Waltz

    Best Fratio/Outdoor Amenities at Mizzou?

    1. Phi Kapp – that front lawn is killer.
    2. SPE – patio, plus roof, plus location, plus they’re always fucking out there.
    3. Sig Chi – huge lawn, sand volleyball, and yard…but they’re not in Greektown.
    3. Pike – sand volleyball, large deck, roof patios, but they don’t get enough use.
    4. PiKapp – nice and big, but again, not enough usage.
    5. Farmhouse – out there all the time, but it’s tiny and not much more than a staircase.

    12 years ago at 12:17 pm
    1. Mizzou Frat Boy

      Pretty solid list. SigEp needs more real estate to be that high up in my book. And actually, Delt Sig should at least be mentioned. They’ve been trying hard with that new house.

      12 years ago at 12:45 pm
    2. hottie_tottie

      Sig ep’s yard hang consists of a bunch of shirtless dudes laying on a roof like a bunch of girls. You also forgot to mention that they have a single basketball hoop. Yay sig ep?

      12 years ago at 1:51 pm
    3. phigamsecrets

      SPE? Are you fucking kidding me? Avoiding pejorative names, RFM? They are fucking SigEps

      12 years ago at 5:44 pm
    4. Skipper1901

      @phigamsecrets …and you’re a fucking Fiji. Go back to making music videos at Jones.

      12 years ago at 8:17 pm
    1. SouthernRage

      Fuck yes. A gentleman’s game. Played annually on the country club golf course behind my house. And thank you for saying “bocce” and not “bocce ball”.

      12 years ago at 1:19 pm
    2. FratfricanAmerican

      Bocce ball is for cargo shorted, beardy pieces of shit that think drinking obscure german beers is cool. Bocce is for people that love getting trashed and playing a gentleman’s game as it was meant to be. Sweater vests not required, but encouraged.

      12 years ago at 2:36 pm