Angry Hungry

When you’re high, eating is a treat, a delight. It’s a pleasurable experience. The sheer volume of the food you eat while high might be gluttonous, but you eat it joyfully. When you’re drunk, or hungover, food is a necessity. You don’t want food, you NEED it. It doesn’t matter if you ate a five-course meal before you started drinking. You will be hungry. Really fucking hungry. Angry hungry.

Angry hungry is when you rip through chicken nachos at 3:00am at the local Mexican diarrhea factory eatery like you’re a starved lion devouring a wounded gazelle… that’s slathered in queso. Angry hungry is knowing with complete certainty that said nachos will eviscerate your sphincter the next morning but eating them anyway. Angry hungry is eating what’s left of those nachos, cold, WHILE you’re violently crapping out the festering spice demon you conceived the night before.

No amount of food is enough to slake the appetite of someone who is angry hungry. If a UNICEF volunteer strolled into a college town Whataburger after midnight they’d probably cry. Angry hunger is the reason there are food shortages. Droughts and plagues have nothing on 30,000 drunk kids with empty stomachs.

Angry hungry is what you are at 1:00pm when you roll out of bed, hungover as balls, and stumble into a Cici’s Pizza buffet. An angry hungry person is actually one of the three most common types of people to eat at Cici’s Pizza. The other two types being soccer teams whose parents didn’t love them enough to go to Pizza Hut and trailer park birthday party attendees.

Angry hungry is what drives you to shamelessly take the last nine slices of pepperoni, leaving the devastated eight-year-old standing behind you with only a Mexican supreme pizza to eat. A normal person might feel bad. An angry hungry person doesn’t give a shit. Sure the pudgy little kid is now crying because he’d rather swallow a pint of arsenic laced dog semen than eat a pizza with black olives on it, but you know what? Fuck that kid, you’re angry hungry.

Being angry hungry also means that the person eating/waiting for food will be extremely agitated, literally until they’ve consumed a week’s worth of Michael Phelps’ calories. Debates about who is paying are usually ended with a simple “I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck, I don’t give a fuck! I will literally pay $2,000 and give a hand job for a single pokey stick right now!”

And for the love of God do not mess up an angry hungry person’s food.

Example 1

Angry Hungry: I asked for ranch dipping sauce with this pizza. There’s no ranch dipping sauce.

Delivery Man: Whoops, must have forgotten it.

Angry Hungry: Oh… TIME TO FUCKING DIE!

(*Punches eight holes in the dry wall, runs to delivery car, craps on the hood*)

Example 2

Angry Hungry: I SAID NO LETTUCE! NO.FUCKING.LETTUCE! IT’S LIKE EATING GRASS! YOU THINK I WANT THAT YOU SLACK JAWED TEEN MOM!

Cashier: (*crying*) I, uh, I…

Angry Hungry: FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

(*runs outside, pulls up handful of grass, runs back in*)

Angry Hungry: THIS IS AWFUL!

(*shoves grass in mouth, starts chewing*)

Angry Hungry: I DON’T WANT THIS! … (*spits chewed grass at cashier*) Fuck it, just give me the damn sandwich.

Depriving someone who is angry hungry of food is like playing with fire, you will get burned, and by burned I mean stabbed. If you see a person being forcefully escorted from the premises of a Chinese buffet around noon on a Saturday there’s a good chance someone inside paid dearly for taking the last three crab rangoons. There’s also a good chance the person being forcefully escorted out is me. Don’t take all my crab rangoons bro.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m all kinds of hungover and have a bad case of angry hungry myself. I need to make another breakfast taco run to Rudy’s. God help them if they’re out of chopped tacos. God help them…

    1. fumafounder

      I disagree. I’ve been working there for six years now and those damn geeds make me sick.

      12 years ago at 4:37 pm
    2. MajorRucco

      ^doing what you can to make money…yeah…shameful because greater men haven’t had shitty jobs

      12 years ago at 11:35 am
    3. fumafounder

      ^^it is a grea resume booster. FYI i’m moving up to asst. mngr next month. AND once i finish up at MGCC with a degree they said i could have my own chain in a couple years. So yea.

      12 years ago at 11:55 am
    4. fumafounder

      ^well my cousin models for Field and Stream. So yea, she’s worth every penny. don’t be mad that you’re poor

      12 years ago at 1:12 am
    5. UofA Frattastic

      Wait..did you just say your cousin is worth every penny? Are these my pennies we’re talking about? I hope so, well if she’s hot. You know what? 30 grand, I feel bad, I’d fuck your grenade-of-a-cousin any day, and give you both some pennies.

      12 years ago at 9:14 pm
  1. Texas Longhorns

    Rudy’s has some good hungover breakfast. Kirby Lane is a fantastic choice also.

    12 years ago at 4:01 pm
    1. Tallapoosa Snu

      Martins. End of story. You devour more delicious greasy oversized sausage egg and cheese biscuits than a human should be able to then lay in bed hating yourself for at least 8 hours.

      12 years ago at 10:38 pm
  2. BROnard Ramsey

    I looked forward to this, then I saw it was by Bacon so I didn’t read. Barely mustered enough of a fuck to leave a comment.

    12 years ago at 4:49 pm
    1. Success

      You sir, are a tard. Bacon is the only columnist, save Xander, that is worth two farts in a windstorm.

      12 years ago at 4:51 pm