Ask The Intern: Clearing the Air
13 years ago

I’m going to start this week’s column by addressing some things I have fought the urge to acknowledge for quite some time now. Since the launch of TotalFratMove.com there have been wild rumors, baseless accusations, and fervent arguments spawned in regard to the sites founders, owners, admins, and interns. In fact, I still remember a day when I had no idea who ran this website, and I took part in questioning the mystery. For the most part we have embraced these theories and found them to be very entertaining. You could even say it has been an unwritten policy to ignore unsubstantiated claims and gossip. However, it has recently become clear that some obsessively angry individuals are attempting to defame the TFM staff by committing libel with the intention of dislodging our credibility. I will not stand idly by and let some muckraker sully my reputation, or that of my employers.

To say that a website which was fashioned with the intention of entertaining and connecting members of the Greek community was started by GDIs, without any evidence or proof of such, is utterly moronic. The founders and owners of TotalFratMove.com are alumni of an esteemed national fraternity that has been in existence for nearly a century-and-a-half. I know this not only because I have worked with these men for months, but also because I am fortunate enough to call them my brothers.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Welcome to the seventh edition of “Ask The Intern.” At the beginning of each week I prompt the followers of @TFMintern on twitter to participate by asking me questions of an unrestricted nature. Inquiries can also be emailed to TFMintern@gmail.com. These are my answers to the questions I felt merited a response:

“Ideally, what will your Halloween slampiece be dressed up as?”

I’m a big fan of the overly sexual hot cop costume. Something about the combination of sluttiness, handcuffs, and my general dislike for law enforcement makes me want to use my white nightstick.

“What do you think of the Hank Williams Jr. comments on Fox and Friends yesterday?”

Hank Williams Jr. is obviously an outspoken individual, and his unique expression of personal opinion on national television was hilarious. That being said, he definitely crossed a line that I tend to avoid. It’s one thing to speak critically of our President, and as a republican I find myself doing this relatively often. However, personally I find it unpatriotic to make a comparison between the leader of the free world and Hitler.

“Is there any way to be taken off the blackball list for a failed drunk TFM post?”

Good God man, what did you do? Send me an email at TFMintern@gmail.com and I’ll assess the situation.

“Why the FUCK was that GDI Ron Jeremy interviewed? No one wants to see a pill bug with a mustache fuck, anyway.”

I’m pretty sure it was just one of those situations you can’t pass up. I have to admit I found the interview to be the bad kind of weird, but the hysterical comments it generated made it all worthwhile.

“Why is it that weed is for geeds, yet cocaine seems to be more accepted in the frat community?”

Stoners tend to be lazy jackasses that you have to prod just to pay their dues. Blow is definitely more of a party drug. Nobody does a line and stands in the corner staring at their own composite picture zoned out for a half hour during a rager.

“How would you haze these hippies protesting Wall Street?”

I’d probably walk around the crowd with a sack of hundreds, lighting them on fire individually and laughing like Dr. Evil.

“One year supply of Johnnie Walker Blue (as much as you can drink) or a golf lesson and a handjob from Sophie Horn?”

I’d definitely go with the year of unlimited Johnnie Blue. Taking a golf lesson from a woman, regardless of attractiveness, would be emasculating. Anyway, her man hands would probably grip my shaft too tightly.

“Mighty Ducks 1, 2, or 3?”

D2: The Mighty Ducks. Fuck Iceland.

*The views expressed in this column reflect only those of the intern. He is a highly sarcastic and disturbed individual.