Ask The Intern: Count Your Blessings

Welcome to the tenth edition of “Ask The Intern.” I prompt the followers of @TFMintern on twitter to participate by asking me questions of an unrestricted nature. Inquiries can also be emailed to These are my answers to the questions I felt merited a response:

“What’s the best cleaning product for getting semen out of my pet squirrel’s fur?”

This was the first question in my inbox…I’m not an expert on animal cleaning and I definitely don’t know anything about the safety of cleaning products for squirrels that have been sexually abused. Please release the animal back into the wild, or find Ace Ventura and ask him.

“Blazer with shorts…F or NF?”

Rocking a blazer with shorts used to be a respected go-to move for expressing a TFTC attitude. Now it is one of the go-to moves for try-too-hards everywhere. I think it’s still possible to pull it off, but it really depends on your F to NF ratio.

“Do you have a contingency plan in place for when the GDIs show up at TFM HQ for their Occupy TFM movement? I can smell it coming from a mile away. Mostly because they don’t shower.”

Other than TFM headquarters, our building is actually occupied by doctors’ offices, which would make this even more hilarious and ironic. Those jobless fucks would never make it inside, so I’d probably just stand at the front door drinking with a hot nurse and laughing until the cops showed up to take them away.

“Is it normal to hide skittles under your foreskin and eat them during class? I like to share them with people sitting next to me.”

No, that isn’t normal. You just ruined Skittles for everyone. I hope God curses you with “The Skittles Touch” for being such a sick fuck.

“What do you think about maxi dresses? Or bows in girls’ hair? Or sorostitutes riding bicycles to class? AKA is it acceptable for sorority girls to ride bicycles to class?”

Haha. Wait, you’re serious? I don’t know what a maxi dress is, or spend my spare time forming opinions about women’s hair bows. If you ride your bicycle to class you’ll probably end up being a spinster, so no that is not acceptable. Next.

“I shove pizza crusts up my butt when I get angry at my mom because I want her to get pissed because she has to take me to the emergency room. What’s another way to get back at my mom?”

Now this is the kind of important question I can spend some serious time answering. I think first you need to ask yourself “Why am I shoving something that could become delicious with a little marinara sauce up my ass?” Also, you’re obviously getting too deep if it takes a trip to the ER to remove said pizza crust. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your mom is the one being a bitch, not your evacuation station. In closing, don’t return to this website because you are either 7 years old or mentally handicapped. Either way you’re far too impressionable for this type of material.

“Is it possible for a non-southeastern region college to be fratty? I know other state schools get shitted on for not being fratty, but do you think it’s possible for a California or Ohio school to be fratty?”

Look, man…geographical location does not put a glass ceiling on one’s ability to be F. The problem is that even if you’re cool, 99.9% of the state you reside in is fucking gay.

”Do you see an issue with all the posts about people’s daddies that keep popping up on the TFM Wall? Bragging about how cool your dad is or how much he spends on you is more of a TKM (Total Kid Move) or a classic TSM.”

Nobody is making Total Kid Move happen, so the idiot who just rushed to register that domain name can go ahead and slap himself. There is a difference between talking openly about how much your dad makes or boasting about his accomplishments, and making a joke on the TFM wall. If you don’t know the difference, I can’t help you.

“Would you rather get a blowjob from a fat chick or a hand job from a hot chick?”

If she is big and beautiful I’ll take the blowie. 2 points for alliteration.

“I recently got a small hamster stuck in my butthole during a pledge activity. How do I go about getting that little rascal out?”

God dammit. This is the same fucking kid, isn’t it?

Make someone do the awkward hometown walk of shame this weekend. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

-TFM Intern

  1. UrineStreamIntoAnis

    When I first started reading this I was at 6. Now I’m at midnight. Thank you.

    13 years ago at 2:27 pm
    1. Obama is a cactus

      There’s nothing funny about sticking shit up your ass. You made nobody laugh and made yourself look like a flaming homo in the process. I will never have respect for your comments or thoughts again.

      13 years ago at 4:05 pm
    1. Bodda Getta

      I hope to see you this weekend, David. If I do so happen to see you I’m going to beat the ever living shit out of your pathetic ass. War Damn

      13 years ago at 3:45 pm
    2. DavidAllanBro

      I would never step in that shit hole people call auburn. Better luck next year, queer. I hope those fucking trees burn to the ground, too.

      13 years ago at 3:47 pm
    1. Swim in FRATatoriums

      If a non-regular column of obviously stupid questions gets you this riled up you should go out a little more.

      13 years ago at 2:37 pm
    2. TFM Intern

      What the FUCK Charleston FratEN? When real questions are asked, I answer them.

      13 years ago at 2:40 pm
    1. Bropenhagen

      You guys seriously haven’t caught on yet? TFMintern: troll. TFM Intern: actual fucking intern.

      13 years ago at 10:04 pm
    2. Irrfrational

      Can nobody tell the difference between TFM Intern and TFMintern? Come on, now.

      13 years ago at 9:12 am