Beta Delta House Versus The Anti-Greek Protestors
Kevin awoke to the sounds of shouting billowing from the front of his house, the Beta Delta mansion at Smithtown University. He sat up, rubbed his eyes, and walked into the common room, where several of his brothers were huddled around the window.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
Schmitty handed him his phone, which had an article published by The Tumbling Pebble cued up.
“Beta Delta Fraternity At Oakton University Charged With Goat Murder” the headline read.
Kevin looked out the window. A crowd of at least a hundred gathered at the edge of the bright green lawn. Picket signs with slogans like “Animal Lives Matter” and “God Hates Frats” and “Down With The Patriarchy” were hoisted in the air above a sea of blonde dreadlocks, pink bowl cuts, and tye-dye. The protestors pumped their fists in unison while chanting, “Goats not frats! Goats not frats! Goats not frats!”
Kevin looked at the article. Apparently, the Beta Deltas at Oakton gave a pet goat to their pledges at the beginning of the semester, and told them to care for it. Then, on the eve of pledge initiation, the goat’s body was found decapitated in the street in front of their house. A girl close to the fraternity told The Tumbling Pebble that the pledges were forced to slaughter the animal they had been raising to prove their devotion.
“Jesus. That’s some sick shit,” Kevin said. “But we’re Beta Delta at Smithtown — Oakton University is on the other side of the country. Why are there protestors here?”
“Beats me,” Schmitty said.
“It’s the goddamn student union,” said Pudge, a husky fifth-year wearing a bright pink polo five sizes too small. “They’ve been looking for an excuse to bring us down for ages. We share the same name as those idiots from Oakton, and that’s good enough for them.”
Kevin looked back out the window. The protest was escalating rapidly. The words “GOAT KILLERS” had now been spray painted on the grass, and a man in cargo shorts was standing on a table with a megaphone. It was Mitch Boener, the president of the student union.
“One in five college goats are raped at frat parties every year!” Mitch shouted. “But, do you know how many of those goats report their rape to the university? NONE OF THEM!”
The crowd howled disgust.
“I’m pretty sure he’s fudging those facts a little,” Pudge said.
Kevin pounded his fists on the window.
“We have to do something about this,” he said. “Schmitty, got any ideas? Schmitty? …Schmitty?”
Schmitty stared longingly out the window with a stupid grin on his face. His gaze was fixed on the middle of the angry crowd, where he saw the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on. Wearing skinny jeans, combat boots, and a choker necklace with a streak of purple in her hair, she didn’t look like any other girl he’d fallen for, but he was captivated nevertheless. The throngs of screaming protestors seemed to part around her. Even from across the lawn, he could see her big, brown eyes lit up with rage under pursed, trim eyebrows. He was mesmerized by her voluptuous lips as they formed pro-goat rhetoric, and amazed that the fibers of her tight white t-shirt hadn’t torn apart from the pressure of her busty chest.
“Schmitty…” Kevin said. “Earth to Schmitty…”
No response.
“Alright,” Kevin said, turning to the rest of the house. “Does anybody know how we can fix this?”
“I know!” exclaimed Moe, a Jersey boy who hadn’t worn sleeves since he started binging creatine his sophomore year.
Moe ran to his room, then returned with two fistfuls of little blue pills.
“Is that Viagra?” Kevin asked.
“Yup!” Moe nodded, beaming with pride.
“And why exactly do you have those?” Pudge asked.
“So I can fuck all night, dumbass,” Moe said.
“Whatever,” Pudge said. “But how are we gonna use boner pills to get back at those asshole protesters?”
Before More could answer, Kevin interrupted.
“Wait, you guys, where did Schmitty go?”
To Be Continued….
Image via Shutterstock
Solid start to a Friday morning
10 years ago at 7:18 amAs satirical as this article is, it brings up some valid points. One of which really stands out to me: people stereotype fraternities regardless of what really happened. There hasn’t been a goat-rape allegation at the Beta Delta house since their founding. Just goes to show that anyone can jump to conclusions and ruin a campus organization.
10 years ago at 7:20 amEveryone stereotypes everyone else.
10 years ago at 7:48 amTrue, but when we stereotype GDI, for example, it’s usually just portraying them as nerds/geeks/dweebs/etc. When people stereotype us they call us rapists, murderers and just plain evil…
10 years ago at 7:52 amTo be fair a lot of the time it’s just as douche bag ass holes. But I was also talking about more than fraternities/GDIs.
10 years ago at 7:58 amI was just using Frats/Geeds as an example to show that stereotypes can be very one-sided, like in this story
10 years ago at 8:04 amThe thing is the people who tell us that stereotyping is wrong on its face, are the same people that condone the stereotyping of fraternities. The hypocrisy is real and it is sickening.
10 years ago at 1:12 pmRaping and murdering goats. TFM.
10 years ago at 7:28 amLeave Chompy alone you sick bastard.
10 years ago at 10:12 am“Raping and murdering goats”
10 years ago at 10:53 amTotal ISIS Move
This has potential Boosh
10 years ago at 7:43 amI’m already looking forward to next week.
10 years ago at 9:50 amthe fact that this is satire is so fucked up, being in a fraternity used to be something people would admire, now a days you say youre in greek life and some people look down on you, so fucked up
10 years ago at 7:50 amYou must be unaware of the reputation the liberal media has given all Greek life lately
10 years ago at 8:52 amMy lifelong dream is to be a combination of the deans in Old School and Animal House. I consider myself the offspring of them if they were in a homosexual relationship.
10 years ago at 7:56 amYou wouldn’t be an offspring because two guys can’t make a child. You would simply be a cum stain. A big, disgusting, geed cum stain.
10 years ago at 7:58 amIt’s men like you who once brought greatness to the forums.
10 years ago at 3:06 pmSo your lifelong dream is to be publicly humiliated in front of a corrupt mayor who may or may not be Mafia. Good to know.
10 years ago at 8:18 amMoe sounds like the brother everyone loves but no one really understands how exactly he got a bid
10 years ago at 8:18 amMoe seems like the kind of guy who could get you anything on short notice, no questions asked. Always good to have one of those guys
10 years ago at 12:14 pmBOOSH, this better continue in time for my morning dump, it’s off to a captivating start.
10 years ago at 8:37 amI rape all my goats before slaughtering them and no one gives me any attention!
10 years ago at 8:39 amSounds like someone didn’t get a bid ^^^
10 years ago at 9:17 am