BREAKING: Joseph Kony Involved In Peace Talks, The DeVry Guy Is Not Amused

Jared Borislow11 years ago

As the leader of the #KONY2013 movement, it came as no surprise when Bacon appointed me TFM’s “Central African Daycare Expert” and asked me to cover the Kony peace talks. I hate Kony with all my heart. Dude sucks. It’s really one of those internal hatreds where I just get so worked up whenever I hear his name that all the blood in my body makes a beeline for my dick in what can only be described as the most raging, bulbous anger-boner east of the Mississippi. I’ll try to put my discontent for JoKo into list form, though.

1. He’s a jerk. Dude enslaves little children and makes them kill people. It doesn’t get much worse than that. If you’re going to enslave kids, at least make it for a worthwhile cause, like making my clothes or something.

2. His stance on elementary education is waaaaayyyy too progressive.

3. His Movember mustache is better than mine and I resent him for that.

4. My KONY 2012 shirt shrunk when my mom put it in the wash, even though it says ON THE LABEL that it was pre-shrunk. That’s probably not his fault, but whatever. Now when I wear it, I feel like I’m not spreading awareness of #KONY2012, but rather awareness of my nipples.

I wake up every morning with hopes that the United States has come to its senses while I was asleep and sent SEAL Team 6 in to dispose of this awful man. And have they? No. Bogus. Kony is still hiding in a cave or tree or African Chuck E. Cheese or whatever, laughing at us, the dedicated followers of the #KONY2012 and now #KONY2013 movements, for being such losers. It’s not our fault, y’asshole. Yeah, we were bullied in middle school. Yeah, we were bullied in high school. Yeah, we’re bullied in college. Yeah, our fearless leader got caught out in public with his crank in his hand. None of these things mean our beliefs and actions don’t matter! Fuck you, Kony! #KONY2013

How many more men will go to jail for public masturbation before Kony’s reign of terror ends? As of now, potentially none. Kony’s hiding out in the Central African Republic and is in talks with their government.

A CAR government spokesman told the BBC that Kony was in the country but wanted his security to be guaranteed before giving himself up.

Fuck. That. I’ll be buried deep under John Wayne Gacy’s floorboards before I EVER let Kony get off scot-free. He’s not leaving that African Chuck E. Cheese on my watch unless he’s in a motherfucking body bag. Kony would already be dead if I wasn’t such an idiot. I thought I bought a one-way ticket to CAR a couple years back to go show Joseph PHONY who’s boss, but it turns out I actually just bought an “Admit One” movie ticket to Cars 2.

Deez nuts. That’s what I have to say about you and your peace talks, Kony. Fuck off.

#KONY2013

[via BBC]