BREAKING: The TotalFratMove Sign In Front Of Our Building Has Been Stolen

Dillon Cheverere13 years ago

It’s been a tough morning for your boy. After arriving to work today, I wandered aimlessly around our building in search of our office like a child who lost his mother in a crowded amusement park. With panic setting in and tears held back, I finally found a familiar face in the hallway. It was our tech guy, and I never thought I’d be so happy to see his otherwise unpleasant looking face. After a brief, comforting embrace, he led me in the right direction, toward our office. Here I sit, safe and sound, although still quite shaken up.

How the hell am I supposed to remember that we’re located in Suite 203 without my daily reminder upon entering the building? I can’t work under these conditions.

This happened because the placard that displays our suite number in front of our office building is missing. A hoodlum, or a group of hoodlums, stole it. Just like that. Who could commit such a heinous act? How’d they even know where we’re located? Are we safe? Senseless, malicious crimes such as this one mustn’t go unpunished. But who could it be?

Prime Suspects:

Peaco – Peaco’s disdain for everything TFM is well-documented, plus he lives here. If he didn’t commit the crime, he at least holds some valuable information about it — information that he would never share with us after anything short of a waterboarding. I can’t have a peacock waterboarding on my conscience, though. The only problem with this suspect is, without the advantage of opposable thumbs, I don’t see how he could pull it off. The motive is clear, though.

Westlake HS students – Westlake HS is about one mile from our office, as the crow flies. That’d be a hell of a coup for some high schoolers. I think I’ll drop by the principal’s office on the first day of school and let him know what kind of malcontents are roaming the hallways there. Then I’ll start asking some questions, probably with my feet up on his desk. Really put some heat on him.

Lake Travis HS students – See above, but replace “one mile” with ten.

Disgruntled UT students – Do I know how they could become disgruntled with us? No. Is it completely unfathomable? It’s not.

Johnny Manziel – The dude was in Austin all weekend. That’s enough for me.

I’m considering offering up a reward for the recovered placard — maybe a back rub from the Intern or a round of Golden Tee against me — but it would be the gentlemanly thing to do to return it without it coming to that.

However it goes down, I will find you.