Burt McKay: Used Car Salesman

Alex Buscemi9 years ago

You know his name. You’ve seen it on TV and on billboards and on the giant inflatable gorilla outside his dealership. You’ve seen it emblazoned on the backside of your mom’s minivan. Hell, Mom even shouted it out loud while sprawled across the hood.

Burt McKay, McKay Auto.

Selling cars was his game. Used cars. And goddamn, business was a-boomin’. With every cuck in town trading in his gorgeous pickup for a chode-looking hybrid, McKay was up to his dick in pre-owned vehicles (an analogy he would insist is a disservice – his dick hangs real low). He had a yellow smile, a yellow suit, and silver sideburns.

Burt sat in his office, re-watching the tape of his new TV commercial over and over again. His feet were propped up on the back of a low-level employee who was positioned on all fours beside him. Burt pressed play and turned up the volume.

The TV displayed two rows of discount Fords and Chevys. A handful of models in American flag bikinis spanked each other and rubbed their tits on the hoods. In the center was Burt, walking towards the camera and screaming.

“Does finding a good deal on a premium used vehicle have you feeling EXHAUSTed!? Do the other guys GRIND YOUR GEARS by overcharging for vehicles that underperform!? Tell ‘em to shove it up their tailpipe and come on down to McKay Auto!”

Old footage of an atom bomb detonating burst onto the screen. Quick cut back to Burt, who was now lounging in the water-filled bed of a pickup truck surrounded by the models.

“With these prices, you’ll never have to carpool again!”

Another explosion. Then back to Burt dressed like a wizard.

“We’re making the prices… disappear!” He waved a wand over a price tag. “EXPECTO PETROLEUM!” The number on the tag dropped from $15,000 to $10,000 as Burt disappeared in a cloud of dust.

After a shot of Burt in a Godzilla costume proclaiming, “IT’S A MONSTER SALE!” while tackling a pimply-faced teenager in Pterodactyl wings, Burt appeared with his arms around two of the young women.

“They may be used… but they look good as new!” He shoved both of the girls off screen. “What the HELL are you waiting for!?” He slammed both fists on a car hood as he spoke. “Seriously! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!? GET DOWN HERE! NOW! HURRY THE FUCK UP, ASSHOLE!”

Another explosion. Cut to black.

Burt flicked off the TV and sighed. One of the models popped her head up from under the desk and wiped her mouth.

“I couldn’t see it, but it sounded great!”

“Don’t be a kiss-ass, McKayla. It’s really unattractive.”

Now the human footrest piped up.

“She’s right, sir. It was superb!”

“Both of you get out.”

Burt sat in his office rubbing his temple for a moment, then strolled out of his office and onto the floor. An intern scrubbed away at the hubcap of a ’98 Taurus. Burt hacked a loogie on the door.

“Missed a spot.”

Burt walked outside and stood in the lot, staring at the letters on the massive, flashing LCD sign next door:

CHEKOV’S RIDES

Burt clenched his fists.

To Be Continued… .

Image via Shutterstock