Canadian Universities Recall Punctured Condoms

Picture this, you’ve just moved in as a freshman, and the university has given out condoms so you can safely get it in during “frosh” week, which, by the way, is a terrible name for orientation week. Things are going well, and you even met a girl to bend over a barrel and show the Canadian territories during orientation. You hook up after a night of Molson and Crown Royal (I assume Canadians drink these exclusively), but you find out three weeks later that she’s pregnant. This was all because there was a hole in your condom, which you probably should have noticed due to the message about consent stapled to the package.

For two Canadian universities, University of New Brunswick and Saint Thomas University, the above could be a very reasonable horror story. Some asshat actually had the bright idea to STAPLE MESSAGES ABOUT CONSENT TO A CONDOM. Holy shit. Who thinks this is a good idea? Has the Fredericton Sexual Assault Crisis Center been informed of what a condom actually is or does? Latex tends to not hold up well with a staple through it.

Upon realizing their colossal, SNL-esque mistake, the universities did a social media and email blitz to get people not to use them, thus saving the world from a mini Canadian baby boom. Personally, I’d be really embarrassed if I was the person who thought stapling the consent messages to the condoms was a great idea. It’s a bonehead move that would have the average middle school kid in sex ed shaking their head. This public health official is destined for great things, though. By which I mean, great failures. Like, they’ll create the Titanic of public health crises or something.

My recommendation, to any of our Canadian readers: do what the rest of us do and just pick up a pack of condoms from CVS or some kind of Canadian equivalent. At least those are unlikely to be punctured by the stupidity of inept non-profit health workers.

[via CBC My Region]


  1. I Haze Geeds

    The person that did this has two options. Pull out of the parking lot with the deuces flying high, or he could own up to this and staple an abstinence label to his head.

    7 years ago at 10:48 am
    1. Patrick Cleburne

      thanks for sharing, chief.

      by the way, wtf did you do after reading this column? google “condoms with staples?”

      7 years ago at 12:44 pm
  2. CarlsMom

    Carl, good thing we agreed on you not being sexually active. That way you’ll never have to worry about these sort of things happening! Only bad things happen from sex!!! (Except you of course! LOL)

    7 years ago at 10:16 pm