Cardinals Manager Mike Matheny Once Got Hit in the Mouth with a Fastball, Spit Out a Little Bit of Brain, and Walked off the Field

So, uh, you think you’re pretty tough, huh? You do some pushups? Lift some weights? Can take a solid punch to the jaw no problem? Once killed a man in an unlicensed MMA fight and are wanted for questioning in New Mexico? Well Cardinals manager Mike Matheny thinks you, with your muscles and your secret murder, are a PUSSY! And compared to him you probably are. Because until you take a fastball to the mouth, spit out blood, teeth, and BRAINS, all the while reacting to the traumatic head wound as if you’ve just gotten a ten dollar parking ticket, you are no match for the pile of braun and courage that is Mike Matheny.

Here is a video of said fastball to the jaw:

It was a fastball, 90 mph according to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel and 95 mph according to the Associated Press. Whatever the precise velocity, it struck the right-handed hitting Matheny flush on the left side of his face.

Matheny took one step back. He calmly rested his bat on the ground and put his left hand on his hip.

This was no fly, and home-plate umpire Jerry Crawford and Pirates catcher Jason Kendall knew it. They immediately signaled madly to the Brewers’ bench for help.

That’s about the time Matheny spit out his first big mouthful of blood.

“I remember [athletic trainer] Roger Caplinger running out there with a towel, basically holding his face together,” Jenkins said.

Said Vasgersian: “He spit out blood, a couple of teeth, probably some cartilage, a chunk of his gums and some grey matter from his brain.”

After the game, Matheny approached Jeff Cirillo, a fellow ’91 Draft pick and his oldest friend in the organization.

“He comes over to me and asks if he went down,” Cirillo said. “With an open mouth, I said, ‘No.’

“And he said, ‘Good.'”

Matheny admitted that he was still upset with himself for even bleeding at all, but then added, “Pain don’t hurt.” He spent the rest of that evening chewing ice cubes while he drank scotch and left threatening messages on pitcher Rich Loiselle’s answering machine.

And oh by the way, Matheny was in the starting lineup the next day. He went 0-4 but threw a would be base stealer out in the eight inning.

When asked today how is jaw felt Matheny replied, “Fuck you, that’s how it feels.” He then proceeded to stare into the Giants’ dugout until Tim Lincecum started to cry.



    1. Broseph_Settles

      They only need to win 11 games, the NLDS is only 5 games. It’s their 12th championship and it’s 2012. Either way it’s fucking gay and this isn’t twitter you cum guzzler.

      12 years ago at 6:11 pm
  1. 321 Should Have Won

    If you spent half the time on columns that you do on these irrelevant fucking news stories the world would be a better place. You can’t tell me you’re not as tired of writing this shit as we are of reading it. We get it, take a barely newsworthy story, throw in some metaphors and dick jokes and call it a day. Leave this to the lightweights and put your talent to some use. Give the people what they want. #teamFRN

    12 years ago at 4:06 pm
    1. Ragin_Reagan

      The video’s not so bad to jerk to once he starts spitting blood and teeth out…

      12 years ago at 1:28 pm
  2. Actually, Vasgersian said “Spittin’ out three teeth, and a bunch of blood, and whatever else came out of his mouth.” No mention of cartilage or grey matter, both of which are tightly secured to the cranium. Would have had to open up bones holding in the brain to let out brain matter.

    12 years ago at 8:21 pm