Cherish Slutty Halloween Costumes

Wally Bryton7 years ago

You ungrateful sons of bitches.

Words can’t express my disgust. It’s unfathomable how we have the balls to spit in God’s face like this, after he clearly gave us a beautiful gift that we should be thanking him for. I am sick and tired of seeing dudes make unoriginal, hacky jokes about how girls always dress slutty on Halloween. These jokes need to stop. Every damn year, when October rolls around I start hearing the same old, unfunny jokes again. They’re played out.

I see these jokes about slutty Halloween costumes plastered all over every facet of the internet. Corny memes, Facebook posts, and unfunny tweets. On top of that, I do stand-up (NOT well, but I attempt), and every October whenever I go to a show or an open mic, there are a trillion comics doing the same jokes about how “hahahaha, girls dress so slutty on Halloween.”

You’re about to ruin this for everyone!

Do you naive simpletons even realize the implications of what you’re doing? Whenever you make a dumb joke like that, there might be a chance, even if it’s a really tiny possibility, that you’re going to discourage a girl from wearing a slutty costume to a Halloween party. Is that really the world you want to live in?

God himself has blessed with us with a holiday where girls can dress as slutty as they want, without judgement, as long as it conceptually fits under the umbrella of a costume. And instead of getting on our knees and thanking the heavens, we’re mocking these angelic women? These women who are neighborly enough to dress in nothing but lingerie and cat ears? These women who were sweet and giving enough to show more distracting cleavage per capita on this holiday than any other holiday on earth?

What the hell is wrong with you people? This behavior is borderline blasphemous and I will NOT stand for it anymore. According to The Bible, every time you shame a woman for wearing a skimpy Halloween costume, an angel ODs on Oxycontin. Have we become so spoiled that when girls wear the most revealing outfits they possibly can while still being socially acceptable, we laugh in their faces? Sad.

It’s not too late to try to undo some of the damage, though. So I propose a plan: From here on out, we can’t say shit about slutty Halloween costumes. We gotta pretend we have no opinion on them. Basically, we need to everything in our power to make sure we’re not doing anything to discourage slutty Halloween costumes. We need as many of them as possible. So no more hacky jokes, and no more shaming. We have to just let this happen.

As a matter of fact, I officially declare that this article is the last time we’ll have a conversation about slutty Halloween costumes. Let’s not fuck up a good thing. Thanks for coming to the secret meeting. I hope we all learned our lesson..

Natty Light did one of those “How did this guy not get punched in the face?” prank videos.