Cockblock Prevention 101

Now that I’ve gotten my sentimental heartwarming column out of the way, it’s time to get back to business. Today we tackle the ever-present and ever-annoying cockblock, and its many forms and representations. Throughout your fraternal exploits, regardless of your general success with women, you are bound to come across a few of these speed bumps and by properly preparing you can hopefully overcome them and bring home some sweet sorostitute tail.

The most prevalent and difficult form of cockblock is the infamous ugly friend. She follows your targeted slam around like a lost puppy, though her outward appearance is more akin to a possum. She sniffs out your moves like a bloodhound, and even at the first inkling of your polite offer of drinks, she shuffles the entire group into the bathroom. It seems that this specimen has become so infuriated with her lack of hookup options that she chooses to leech off her (much prettier) friends, like a horrific tornado of mediocrity. The only time tested way to quell a “slip-through-the-cracks” menstruating sorority girl is to imply the wingman technique. I know no one likes to slay a cave troll, but you’re bound to have a “token fat guy” in your chapter who will take the cake, and eat it too. And, of course, everyone knows the brother who loses all sense of standards after a few beers and will throw himself on the first moist orifice he can pull his way. By employing this brother to take one for the team, you are clear to go in for the kill.

Another horrifically common form of cockblock is the “out of town boyfriend.” This douche somehow manages an iron grasp over his lady while probably cheating his ass off over a thousand miles away. He has really perfected the system. I’ll give him that. But that doesn’t give him the right to prevent you from scoring. My time tested attitude to apply to a situation involving the out-of-towner goes along the lines of this: “Sorry, I can’t. I have a boyfriend.” To which I reply: “And I have a goldfish. Let’s talk about something that matters.” The simple fact is long distance relationships are a complete bitch to maintain in college, and most couples have completely irrational expectations. All you have to do is feed off of that, and you’re set.

The final and most loathsome type of cockblock I’ll be tackling today is the always frustrating “bro-block.” You’ve surely been there, spending the whole social listening to her dreadfully boring stories about the girls she hates in her pledge class. You’ve suffered through the complaints about her intellectual battles with Psych 101. You ordered round after round as the gap between hotness and annoyance became smaller with each passing whiskey ginger. And then he sweeps in. After a two-minute bathroom escape, you return to find him viciously cock-slapping your target like something out of a Pretty Ricky video. He may claim ignorance (“I didn’t know you were going for her man!”) but we all know that’s a load of bullshit. These types of brothers benefit off your hard work, and swoop in nearly undetected like a sexually frustrated ninja. Some girls don’t even notice, as they’re so far past the point of drunk that nearly any cylindrical object looks sexually appealing. There aren’t a lot of options for the post-cockblocked brother, so the simple remedy is to stop letting douchebags rush your house. Also, if they’re younger than you, I’ve never seen anything wrong with a little post-pledging haze session. Sometimes you just need to put them in line.

Whatever cockblocks come your way, with a little creativity and persistence (it doesn’t hurt to be good looking) you’re sure to prevail. But don’t get out of hand with the persistence thing. I’ve heard the whole “No means Yes and Yes means Anal” thing but I’m not sure the law keepers of our society quite agree with that logic. No still means no, and forced anal means prison.

    1. fortunate son

      large girl in top picture… nicknamed “the planet” – if you get too close you get caught in orbit and must orbit her

      13 years ago at 10:04 am
    2. FuckedInHalf

      Fratter than Fuck, how the hell would Pike714 know what it was from if he didn’t watch it? Take a lap, pledge.

      13 years ago at 8:05 pm
    1. Lambda Chi Alan

      No means get with you sluttier, but equally attractive sorority sister. You fucking fucks.

      13 years ago at 3:57 pm
    1. legalizehazing

      didn’t read this cause I’m too good to get blocked, that’s right I’m unblockable. . . . but from that first picture I kinda understand the term grenade

      13 years ago at 1:39 am
  1. KA122165

    fat, blonde-headed chick looks like your typical legacy phi moo.

    I know…… “take a lap”

    ….will do, after game 1 of the WS is over.

    13 years ago at 8:09 pm
    1. Phi Mu Til I Die

      im sick of the Phi Moo jokes. My chapter along with several others are top tier and smoking hott 😉

      13 years ago at 1:40 pm
    2. PTG Beauregard

      Phi Mu Til I Die – I’m a gambling man. I’ll give you a chance to prove it.

      13 years ago at 3:15 pm
    3. Phi Mu Til I Die

      No, I’m not winking cause its a joke. I put the winky face to simply make light of me being cocky, because it’s not classy to be cocky. Just defending my sisters. Rude.

      13 years ago at 1:31 pm
  2. Fratstar Runner

    I thought you just flirted with the ugly girl to make the pretty ones jealous, then she’s diffused and the hot girls are easy picking?

    13 years ago at 8:34 pm
    1. MM Sweetland

      No, this move makes the attractive ones think their friend is getting laid and help her accomplish said goal. Then the attractive girls have lower self esteem, after not being chosen first, and are easy targets for your brothers.

      13 years ago at 10:41 pm
    2. frattywood

      Sometimes this works, but sometimes the hot ones start to think YOU have low standards and therefore are not worth their time. Hence why the wingman approach works best – the grenade gets defused and everyone’s happy.

      13 years ago at 10:44 pm
    3. thisguy

      The simple solution is don’t let ugly girls into your party. If her hot friends leave with her then they are not worth the hookup. Hot girls have hot friends and thats the way it is.

      13 years ago at 11:56 am
  3. BroMiss

    I experienced the worst incarnation of cock blocking last weekend. The gay friend.

    13 years ago at 8:48 pm
    1. Pharaoh of Frats

      He came in and started hitting on you, pulling your attention away from the slam and convincing said slam that you are gay. Then you and your “gay friend” (who we all know is you) went home and railed. Am I in the ballpark?

      13 years ago at 9:12 pm
    2. OrderontheBorder

      I bet BroMiss pee’d in a dudes butt that night. Didn’t you BroMiss. You sand baggin son of bitch, you old sailor you.

      13 years ago at 9:26 pm
    3. Mike Tahoe

      Wait, if he is his gay friend and he is also himself then something is wrong with your logic. Unless you’re implying that he went home alone and went to town on himself, and if that’s what you’re getting at then all I have to say is “ha ha ha.” No, but seriously, fix your shit.

      13 years ago at 10:42 pm
    4. BroMiss

      We didn’t know he was gay until he started talking about how he studies dance at Alabama. You guys sure love the idea of two men together don’t you?

      13 years ago at 1:35 pm
  4. Bid

    Can we get someone to edit these columns first? There aren’t any outstanding grammatical mistakes, but the writing is clumsy and stylistically juvenile.

    13 years ago at 9:20 pm
    1. OrderontheBorder

      Hey “Bid”. If you could do better you would be writing these columns, but oh wait you’re not. NO BID!

      13 years ago at 9:28 pm
    2. Bid

      I’m not saying the material isn’t solid. It’s the delivery. Like if I said, “Damn, this Dominos pizza is delicious but the guy took an hour and a half.” The guy would say, “If you could deliver pizzas faster, you would do it yourself.” Not only does that argument not work, but chances are I’m drunk when I order and so will not be driving.

      13 years ago at 9:46 pm
    3. truegentTFM

      Aside from the painful “imply the wingman technique”, you mean. But yeah writing, NF anyway

      13 years ago at 1:07 am
    4. Shiner Brock

      I simply accept the fact that none of the column writers are pussy-assed liberal arts majors or minoring in english. Business majors aren’t usually the best with creative writing skills.

      13 years ago at 9:19 am