College Dating Survival Guide

You aren’t even sure how it happened. The two of you shared a few sloppy drunken hookups and texted occasionally, but suddenly you find out you’re in the collegiate purgatory known as the “we’re talking” phase. I’m not even entirely sure what it means, all I know is it puts you at a crossroads. There are nearly limitless factors to consider when you find yourself in the clutches of this title, and your future is entirely dependent on your next moves. Fear not, I’m here to help.

The first thing to consider is if this girl is actually girlfriend material: aka is she an 8 or better, and can you talk to her when you’re sober without wanting to kill yourself. The first issue is always pivotal. I’ve never understood why any guy in college would date a girl of average attractiveness. Where I’m from we call that “settling” and you can definitely do better. Sure, personality extremely important and should be a serious factor for your consideration…if you’re trying to get married. But I shouldn’t have to remind you that we’re in college, and that shit shouldn’t be anywhere near our sex-and-booze-driven minds. Right now your focus should be having as much fun as possible, and if you meet a great girl along the way that’s just an added bonus. However, it is crucial that you’re at least able to deal with her sober. The fact is, you’re going to be spending a lot of time with this girl, and a very small chunk of it will be alcoholically supplemented. If she can’t hold a conversation, is dreadfully boring, or has trouble forming rational thoughts then I can guarantee it’s not worth your time.

So let’s just say you found someone you can bear to be around while still clothed that doesn’t look like the horse-demon Sarah Jessica Parker. Congratulations. The natural next step is to crank up the chivalry. It’s not dead, I promise. Of course, as a gentleman you should be holding open doors for women all the time, but this holds especially true for potential girlfriend status slams. My advice is to think of it this way: every time you pay for a meal or get her a gift, you earn half a blowjob. If that doesn’t provide a little extra motivation, I don’t know what will (you might be gay).

I’ve found through my experiences that nothing is ever a reality until it’s posted on Facebook. All those nights I was blackout and allegedly punched a hole in the wall? Pics or it didn’t happen. The same holds true with the ladies, and I assure you that you aren’t truly dating until a picture of the two of you pops up on every single person’s news feed, adorned with a little heart. The jump from “talking” to “FBO” is the most monumental of steps, and while I think it’s fucking creepy that we (they) feel the need to announce a relationship to thousands of people we barely talk to, the simple fact is that’s what our culture has become. Facebook official has become the ultimate sign of a relationship, and if you aren’t willing to suck it up and change that status, maybe this girl isn’t so special after all (in which case, drop her and continue your sexual deviance elsewhere). And for any of you out there who “don’t want the whole world to know my business” or whatever bullshit excuse you have for not posting it: lighten up. If you’re going to date someone, you shouldn’t be embarrassed over a simple link to her page. If you are, she’s probably busted and you fucked up by dating her in the first place.

There’s only one final thing to note: don’t be a pussy and cheat. If you feel like you can’t control yourself and need to penetrate every moist hole you come across, I don’t think you’re quite ready for an exclusive slampiece. If she passed all the previous criteria, chances are she’s a pretty nice girl, and let’s get real…she doesn’t deserve that. I get it. It’s cool to be a legendary bitch-slaying badass, and I fully encourage those actions. Believe me. All I’m saying is if you want to be that guy, don’t make the mistake of dating. Unless you have an extremely bizarre guilt fetish, you’ll be glad you stayed single.

    1. MightBePike

      Well, which way are you trying to go? If you want to date her, just tell her

      If you are trying to get out of the chance of dating her then do what ever you want (including railing other girls) and she will either realize y’all are “talking” about slam piece status and stay there or get the hint.

      13 years ago at 4:55 pm
    2. Cupid

      Im not even sure if he’s trolling a troll by pretending not to troll. It’s a troll within a troll.

      13 years ago at 5:02 pm
    3. Fratlohnega

      Simple. dick pics. Rules: Don’t show your face or your balls. She will think about you all day.

      13 years ago at 5:19 pm
    4. shooter

      Yo dawg, I heard you like to troll, so we put a troll in your troll so you can troll while you trollin’!

      13 years ago at 5:21 pm
    5. Success

      Finally Chili’s Guy….you have no idea the fucking trolls we’ve had to deal with

      13 years ago at 12:54 pm
    6. MightBePike

      So…..I am the greatest troll because I’m not trolling? We have (more than) enough trolls. Let’s just get the fuck over it and feel free to leave a normal-ass comment.

      Yes, an ass comment that is normal….

      13 years ago at 3:13 pm
  1. Dukie5440

    “legendary bitch slaying badass”

    I can’t even say that with a straight face.

    13 years ago at 4:46 pm
  2. Fratstar Runner

    Just don’t ever make the mistake in thinking you two are just “talking” and it doesn’t turn into anything, and you are actually in her “friend zone”. Happens to the best of us.

    13 years ago at 5:06 pm
    1. budweiser

      “talking” means you’re already screwing on a regular basis. Sorostitutes say we are just “talking” so they don’t sound like whores.

      13 years ago at 9:12 pm
  3. Itsadeepburn

    relationships are tricky. but if you handle them life a pro and a complete gentleman, she’ll share this with her sisters. when the breakup comes you bet your ass a few of her sisters already have their eye on you. its the gift that keeps giving

    13 years ago at 5:09 pm
    1. Year Around Frat

      From what I’ve seen is its the other way around and the brother is blacklisted for at least a semester.

      13 years ago at 12:16 am
    2. BROnonia_Docet

      ^ this. Unless you did something completely awesome like The Spiderman to break up with her. That might turn her whole sorority off from you forever, but the story will be well worth it later on.

      13 years ago at 12:20 am
    3. Brovis Love III

      ^^it may turn her group of friends against you but sororities are huge and there are more than enough girls that don’t give a shit about that girl and probably at least a few that want to piss her off or get back at her for some petty shit

      13 years ago at 9:40 am
    4. pinkplaidandpearls

      You could say this better yourself ThomasTempleWright. You could have said: handle them like* a pro.

      13 years ago at 12:14 pm
    5. Carlos Spicyweiner

      everyone knows sisterhood is a joke. even sorority girls whether or not they want to believe it. her sisters are whores and they will still be down to fuck.

      13 years ago at 3:46 pm
    6. Year Around Frat

      Yeah it depends upon how important the girl is. Sororities at my school number around 100-150 as opposed to twice that much at other schools. If a brother dates a girl for more than a year and then they break up, he is probably blacklisted. If they were freshmen for like 2 months or just high school sweethearts, then there’s a chance.

      13 years ago at 5:54 pm
  4. Fratgineer

    There are two types of women: Either they won’t sleep with you, and then there’s no reason to talk to them again. Or they will sleep with you, and then there’s no reason to ever talk to them again.

    13 years ago at 5:58 pm
  5. NattyFratty843

    What the fuck is this? This site is becoming a knockoff of cosmo and mylifeisbro with a Greek label on it

    13 years ago at 6:44 pm
    1. Pharaoh of Frats

      Your username is NattyFratty843, that screams my life is bro. And there is no Greek label on this website. Lap.

      13 years ago at 7:45 pm