Colorado Girl Survives Bubonic Plague. WAIT, SHE SURVIVED WHAT?!
13 years ago

Fuck me sideways, this is the shittiest piece of news that I’ve read in a while. Seven-year-old Sierra Downing, of Pagosa Springs, Colorado, came back from a camping trip feeling a little under the weather. Displaying flu-like symptoms, nobody suspected anything sinister until, well, until she had a fucking seizure.

It wasn’t until she had a seizure that her father knew something was seriously wrong and rushed her to a hospital in their town of Pagosa Springs. She had a 107-degree fever, and doctors were baffled by the cause.

The Downings eventually learned their daughter was ill with one of the last things they would’ve thought: bubonic plague, a disease that wiped out one-third of Europe in the 14th century but is now exceedingly rare — it hasn’t been confirmed in Colorado since 2006 — and treatable if caught early.

I thought you just died when your temperature passes like 105-degrees or something. The story goes that little miss Downing was out on a hike when she happened upon a dead squirrel unto which she felt a compelling sense of duty to bury the disgusting disease infested critter. Ignoring her mother’s demands to not touch the damned squirrel, Sierra did anyway and almost died. Idiot. But hey, I think parenting scored a tally mark here; I’m so using this on my kids. “Son if you don’t obey me, you’ll get the bubonic plague, and die.”

I don’t know about you guys, but fuck. This. Shit. The Bubes has been systematically decimating entire world populations for thousands of years. I did a bit of research (seriously just a bit) and learned that the Black Death in the 1300s killed over 100 million people worldwide. I don’t care how treatable this shit is today, I’m scared to death. Just another sign of the impending apocalypse.

In conclusion, the Bubonic Plague is a mean ol’ bastard who hates little girls and America, and Colorado continues to prove to be the shittiest place in the US to live. However it did inspire me to begin screenwriting my debut adult film titled “The Boob-on-Dick Plague”, which will basically be an hour long feature of millions of people getting motorboated to death. Might get DadBoner to star in it.

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  4. Tallapoosa Snu

    The Boob on Dick Plague Starring Captain Karl, Guy Fieri, and Barry from Storage Wars. That’s a box office explosion for sure.

    13 years ago at 1:19 pm
    2. Presidente

      The Expandables. Steven Segal is gonna Van Damme up your asshole, but he’s gonna stretch it out first.

      13 years ago at 5:36 pm
  5. Bill_Brasky

    Its very rare you’ll die from the plague as most Europeans that survived had a genetic adaptation to the disease, that has been passed down to all the white people who now populate the United States.

    13 years ago at 2:49 pm
    1. Derek Ryan

      What Bill_Brasky means to say is, “I am the Bubonic Plague”.
      To Bill Brasky!

      13 years ago at 2:53 pm
    3. NativeFloridaCracker

      Did I ever tell you about the time brasky starred in the play The King and I. Anyway, he clorfourmed the cast and proceeded to eat them in front of the audience. It got pretty good reviews.

      13 years ago at 10:12 am
    4. Ron Washington

      The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky, except for the part about planting apple trees and not raping men

      13 years ago at 10:25 am