Cops are Here

Scene: house in a small West Texas town

”So, we’re at this girl’s house. Her parents were out of town, so we decided to throw a little get-together. We’re talking probably 75 people, kegs, pot, and a slew of firm B-cups. You know, your typical house party. We’re all sitting around pounding Stones and whatnot, then someone bursts through the back door yelling that the police just pulled up in front of the house. I’m thinking, “Shit, what should we do? Should we split?” Before I could even finish my thought, ______ comes screaming past me at a full sprint, drops a shoulder into the wooden fence, and breaks through that fucker like it’s tissue paper. The best part was he left a hole in the fence in the exact shape of his body. Like you could perfectly make out the arms, legs and head. It was some cartoon shit. Dude got away, though.”

The above is an anecdote told by a great friend of mine. I love this story, mainly because the guy who went Wile E. Coyote on the 6 ft. residential fence ended up being a Doak Walker Award winner and first round NFL draft pick. This story, like many similar to it, started with a familiar phrase:

“Cops are here!”

These three little words strung together conjure up a few memories for all of us. Some of the stories end happily with tales of escape or bullshitting your way to a warning. For some, these words greet us with despair. MIPs, handcuffs, and even premature party-ending and poured-out liquor bottles are a few of the images we associate it with. Regardless of the kind of memories we all have when the cops bust a party, we all have something in common. When we hear, “Cops are here!,” it’s time to react, and quickly.

Depending on your age, on-your-person possessions or level of intoxication, high-tailing it out of there may be your best option. A quick “Fuck this” will be muttered and then it’s pavement time. You may think sticking around will suit you best, and that sometimes is the best option. However, if you stick around and try to face this dilemma head on, you are sure to encounter a few characters.

The Peacekeeper

“Hey, what kind of gun do you guys carry? Looks pretty sweet.”

The Peacekeeper greets the cops at the door, welcomes them with open arms, and begins conversation with a quick, light-hearted joke and ends every statement with “sir.” Maybe he admires their cruiser or even thanks them for protecting the streets. He’s overly cheery and eventually gets really damn annoying. He’ll try to interject in everything going on around him, trying to keep everything as civil and fun as possible. He thinks he’s the only one there who has the capability of defusing the situation, and he might be right. He just lays it on so thick though, obnoxiously so. The officers are annoyed and mock The Peacekeeper immediately after leaving the house.

The Nervous Wreck

“Whu…whuddayou guys think they’ll do with us?”

The Nervous Wreck can’t string a sentence together and has seemingly forgotten how to talk. Confrontation with authority is among the biggest fears in his life. He does his best to blend in with the crowd and not be noticed. Simple eye contact with a cop is terrifying. He begins mentally preparing for the worst. His parents are pulling him out of school and his life is about to end, and there is nothing he can do to stop it. The Peacekeeper is stepping in, though. Easing the mind of The Nervous Wreck is his priority. His efforts are futile, unfortunately.

The Defiant

“Fuck them, man. They can’t touch me.”

The Defiant isn’t worried that the police just showed up. He’s simply irritated. The cops have no right conversing with this guy, that is if they can even get through the front door. He doubles as “You aren’t allowed to come in here” guy. Once they finally do make it through the door (they always get in somehow), he’s going to do everything he can, just short of physical assault, to give the cops as little information as possible. He’s actually insulted that they interrupted his drinking time. After the police are finished and have carried on their way, The Defiant verbally murders the next guy you’ll encounter, The Apologetic.

The Apologetic

“Really sorry you gentlemen had to come all the way out here. We’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

He’s The Peacekeeper’s best friend, and equally annoying. The Defiant develops a seething hatred for The Apologetic by the end of the night. He’ll do anything he can to avoid getting in trouble. We’re talking some serious verbal fellatio for the cops. If he gets cuffed, he’s crying. If he goes to the back seat of the cruiser, he flips out. This will come after pathetic pleading, of course. This apologetic behavior is typically a sign of underlying motivators. He has two prior DUIs, a pending warrant and a possession charge.

The “Fuck My Life” Guy

“Well guys, my life is over.”

The “Fuck My Life” Guy has it way worse than anyone else. He thinks an MIP will get him 20 to life. He won’t shut up about how much more fucked he is than you are. His parents are more strict than yours, too. They’ll probably cut him off and take his car away. After his own personal perceived reality sets in, he sits stoically in silence and ponders how he’s going to salvage the rest of his life. Poor bastard.

The “I Got This” Guy

“What’s the problem here, gentlemen?”

The “I Got This” Guy loves situations like this. He’s happy the cops showed up, actually. He’s either pre-law or wants everyone to think he is. Maybe he’s trying to impress his peers, but “I Got This” Guy can’t wait to control the situation. He’ll try and spit out legal jargon to the officers and even claim responsibility for the group’s actions as if to be the alpha of the party. He assures the group everything will be fine, although he has no idea what he’s talking about. This guy is also typically the one who is greeted with the back seat of the cop car.

Follow me on Twitter @RogerDornTFM

    1. Marlboro Man

      No joke, hopefully you’ve purchashed a gun by now, Kill yourself. You’re name is even more queer than your comment.

      12 years ago at 2:22 am
    2. fratslammin

      But honestly, if thou isn’t dead yet. Commence suicidal death right now. a.k.a. Go kill yourself.

      12 years ago at 2:58 pm
    1. TeamDorn

      ^haven’t seen that before. You must have got #1 for creativity in 1st grade there, champ.

      12 years ago at 10:41 pm
    1. Mega Frat

      I have to go, but if I find one dog hair when I come back I’ll rub sand into your dead little eyes. I also need you to buy sand. I don’t know if they grade it, but … coarse.

      12 years ago at 11:21 am
    2. Richard Head

      Definitely Sterling Cooper, he hasn’t written a column in months and he was hands down the best writer on the website. No offense Dorn, this is a good column.

      12 years ago at 2:14 pm
    1. never pro BROno

      has to be cedric he’s the only recipient in the last decade from texas except LT but that would make the Dorn 35 if he went to college with LT

      12 years ago at 12:03 pm
    2. frat1993

      LT is too clean cut, Ricky probably would be too stoned to really give a fuck, Cedric is the obvious choice

      12 years ago at 1:04 am
    3. Senator_frat1925

      Yep, I don’t know where LT is from but I know Cedric is from West Texas…

      12 years ago at 2:57 pm
    1. Frat_The_Bunny

      Should’ve had the “Thinks He Has Connections Guy”: The guy whose second cousin twice removed is a cop two counties over and then goes and tries to get off the hook thinking the cops will somehow know who he is.

      12 years ago at 11:57 am
  1. Tallapoosa Snu

    You forgot the “I turned 21 last week” guy. Everybody remembers that first house party where people are still underage and you just turned 21 so you arent guilty of anything and enjoy harassing the shit out of the cops while they tried go round up all of the kids

    12 years ago at 11:54 am
    1. TeamDorn

      Or, they are the guy that says he’s going to be charged with distribution to minors and flips out.

      12 years ago at 1:00 pm