Decoding Sorority Jargon: For Men

The mind of the sorostitute is a complex and scary place for any man to venture. You may have realized by now that most everything a sorority girl says has a purpose, and when we’re talking to the men in our lives we hardly ever say what we mean. Boys, I’m sure you’ve all fallen victim to a few of the following phrases, and ladies…we’re all guilty. So without further ado, here’s how to interpret what she really means when she says…

“I’m like…really busy right now, maybe later.”

She’s blowing you off. If she wanted to hang out with you, she would. I’ve seen girls bend over backwards just to get that special someone to say hi to her. She just saw him walk into that pizzeria? She’s not even hungry, but she suddely has a craving for something cheesy, carby, and covered in grease. I’ve literally sat wondering if there was something I could respond to “ok” in a text with Mr. Wonderful because I want to keep talking to him (thank God I have good girlfriends to advise me against such a blatant disregard for the game). For the most part, there really isn’t anything she could possibly be too busy doing (outside recruitment) that would keep her from hanging out with you if she cared. I know she has a long day of watching E! News and gossiping over Starbucks with her sisters, but that doesn’t seem to qualify as “really busy.” She’s really just busy not hanging out with you.

“I never do this…”

I’m the queen of bad decisions, but rarely have I ever actually done something that I “never do.” When she actually IS drunk enough to do something ridiculously lewd and outside the realm of her typical drunken behavior, she’s also far too drunk to try to convince you that she’s not normally like that, or even realize that she’s currently soiling whatever reputation she has. Ladies, when you’re in the stage of intoxication that you’re doing things you never do, it’s time to just cut your losses, and expect to never hear from that guy again. Even if he believes that you’re in rare form when you flash a cabby in exchange for a ride home, you’ve pretty much embarrassed yourself to the point that you’ll never want to see him again anyway. No need to try to protect your reputation at that point. “I never do this” is nothing more than a desperate attempt to make a guy think you’re not a whore, when clearly you’re kind of a whore.

“I’m not that kind of girl…”

You’re in the midst of a hot and heavy make-out sesh when he starts to not-at-all subtly slide his hand towards your baby-maker. That’s when you blurt out “I’m not that kind of girl!” Similar to “I never do this,” we have another attempt to protect our reputations on our hands. The difference here is that you’re actually not doing the bad thing. “Not being that kind of girl” usually means one of three things: I have my period, I’m not interested, or I didn’t shave. If your wild levels of inebriation have somehow faded to a slight buzz, and you’ve realized you don’t have any desire to ever hook up with this guy, I see nothing wrong with implying there is some sort of moral dilemma involved. Maybe the word will spread that you’re a good girl (and the “I never do this” will hold more weight when used). If you can’t hook up with a guy, even though you sort of really want to, you might as well at least pretend it has something to do with class rather than the much more embarrassing reality. If you’re actually not that kind of girl…then you wouldn’t have gone home with him to begin with.

“No, it’s fine, you can hang out with your friends…”

Was she sad when she said it? Kind of looking down and sighing? Maybe accompanied this with an “Ohhh…I thought we were hanging out tonight, but it’s fine. You go ahead.” UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS! Seriously. If she actually doesn’t care, she’ll tell you what her alternate plans are, and be super enthusiastic about you doing whatever you please. This is a TEST. Do not fall into the trap. She can’t just tell you not to hang out with your friends, because that’s like…bitchy. She wants you to want to pick her. You will absolutely get in trouble for picking your friends later. “But you said…” I don’t care what I fucking said. In my mind, I made it very clear that I wanted you to be with me tonight, even though I told you five separate times that you could go. Oh? You’re not a mind reader? Well fuck you. Maybe you should be.

“Do you think she’s pretty?”

No. The answer is just no. Preferably “no” accompanied by some proclamation that the object of your affection is wayyyy prettier than this rando hottie could ever be. She will really only ask if she feels threatened by this girl in some way. Like if it’s her big competition in Greek Goddess, or she’s your lab partner, or she exists. If she’s really stunning, you better immediately find a flaw in this other girl and make it sound believable. “She’s ok, but I’m not really into blondes.” “She’s too tall for my taste.” “I really can’t get past what she’s wearing. It looks like she got dressed in the dark.” You can’t hesitate with one of these responses either. You might think a logical “Babe, of course I think you’re gorgeous, but she’s pretty too” is appropriate. It’s not. All she heard was “she’s pretty” which to her means that she’s ugly and you don’t want blow jobs for the next week or so. Lose-lose.

“I hate you.”

I hate you never means I hate you. One of the greatest skills a sorority girl has is making it seem like we like everyone. If we hate someone, we’re probably SUPER nice to them…weirdly nice in fact, and will never ever say how we truly feel. “I hate you” can mean a few things. It can mean I’m jealous of you: “Omg! You got a 97 on that exam! I hate you!” Commonly it will mean you just teased her with something and she can’t come up with anything to say back. This is her attempt at being cute. “Oh yeah? You like to make it hard for your boyfriends?” “Shut up! I hate you!” You won’t do something she wants you to do. “Why not?! Fine I hate you.” You did something really dweeby, and rather than insult you, a simple “I hate you” will suffice. And of course, “I hate you” can be an expression of her absolute devotion to you. A long rant explaining why you’re the scum of the earth, and how she curses the day you were born in a very Charlotte to Big fashion = you’re an asshole, you’ve hurt her, and she’s so drawn to you she can’t stand it. NOTHING says “I love you” like “I hate you.”

    1. SouthernByGodsGrace

      There’s no need, a real man doesn’t give a fuck about anything coming out of a girls mouth.

      13 years ago at 9:45 pm
    2. PTG Beauregard

      Quick, take a picture and make sure they’re in there, just so we can be sure.

      13 years ago at 1:15 am
    3. Scotch_Neat

      If she wanted to cater to the men on this site (the only people that matter) she would have made us all sandwiches. She can’t write and she doesn’t deserve a voice.

      13 years ago at 11:18 pm
    1. Jerry Fratdusky

      I’m trolling the TSM wall for a few hours now because of this stupid fucking column.

      Not one picture of a boy. SMH

      13 years ago at 9:46 pm
    2. The_Outback_Guy

      Most of the shit you say is funny Fratdusky, but I’m really startin’ to wonder about you.

      13 years ago at 10:48 pm
    3. StoneColdSouthern

      The_Outback_Guy? Really? Chili’s Guy is always funny, Applebee’s was funny the first time, but now this is just plain retarded.

      13 years ago at 11:19 pm
    1. Potty Putter

      The column is terrible, but DAMN that picture deserves a godly amount of yellow liquid.

      13 years ago at 1:10 am
  1. Fraternity Lifestyle

    The real title of this should be “Decoding Female Jargon: For Men”

    13 years ago at 9:18 pm
    1. Brobert F Kennedy

      The real title should be “If you don’t already know this shit you aren’t pulling enough to belong in a Fraternity.”

      13 years ago at 11:49 pm
    2. PhiGamma

      Well, his reply to Fraternity Lifestyle wasn’t too “chill” so an estimate of his chill to pull ratio would probably be around…hmm.. 3 : 5…. tops?

      13 years ago at 12:49 am
  2. Benjamin Martin

    the big bold phrases/quotes were all i needed to read to know you aren’t telling us anything we don’t already know.

    13 years ago at 9:20 pm
    1. Remember Broliad

      Hey, separate but equal works in the South, so why can’t it work here?

      13 years ago at 9:14 am
  3. SirFratsAlot1863

    I got a few sentences in before I realized how fucking stupid this column was.

    13 years ago at 9:42 pm