Don’t Be An Apathetic Asshole, Step Up Your Halloween Costume Game

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It’s that time of year again. The weather has started cooling off, the basic bitches are wearing yoga pants and drinking 12-dollar pumpkin spice lattes, and the Halloweener is waking up inside each of us. If you’re anything like the rest of us shit heads, you have done absolutely nothing to prepare for it, except maybe buy a skeleton guy with your friend who’s in town from college.

Luckily, Halloween doesn’t require much prep. It is mostly harmless and revolves around getting fucked up and trying to sleep with girls who are dressed as slutty cats. Aside from the 4th of July and New Year’s Eve, Halloween is hands down the best holiday of the year. How many times do you get the chance to do cocaine off a gladiator sword, or drop molly with zombified Abraham Lincoln? That being said, each year some dipshit manages to screw it up for the rest of us by abandoning common sense.

The first pitfall to avoid is any kind of racial costume. It should be obvious at this point — racially stereotypical parties or costumes are literally the fastest way to get your ass reamed in the news. Whether it’s blackface, some kind of bandit with a dirty sanchez, a Native American, or a terrorist in a turban, leave that shit at home. Everyone knows you’re only allowed to dress up as white stereotypes. So put on your NASCAR hat, denim overalls, and throw in those hillbilly dentures. Just make sure you leave the sombrero behind.

On that same token, put some thought into your costume. Claiming to be a hobo or a jogger or a functioning alcoholic is whack. It’s Halloween. Drop some bread and get a bad ass, creative costume. Go ballsack to the train track. I’m talking dressing up as a giant box of Franzia complete with actual Franzia dispenser. I’m talking dressing up as Donald Trump’s hair. I’m talking about slapping on an Alabama visor, headset, and having a Tuscaloosa booster’s wife covering your crotch à la Lane Kiffin. Leave the vampire fangs and arrow-through-your-head at home, along with the sombrero and turban.

Ladies, you are not exempt, either. Let’s begin by clarifying that “Daddy Issues” is not a costume. Furthermore, lingerie and cat ears are not a costume either; it is what your mom puts on after a long night of cocktails with your dad at the Hyatt.

Ahh, costume props. This is one of the few times in your life where small is a good thing. The smaller they are, the less of a bumblefuck you are. If you can’t hold it in one hand or tape it to yourself, leave it at home. Same to you, ladies. Nobody wants your giant fairy wings knocking their drinks over. On the same subject, fuck glitter. Fuck the people who wear glitter, fuck the people who throw glitter, fuck the people who make glitter, and fuck waking up with glitterdick.

Yes, it’s Halloween. Yes, there will be party drugs everywhere. Yes, the punch will inevitably be spiked. Yes, cops will be everywhere, eager to arrest some wasted dude in a tampon costume. So when you feel that sudden urge to pull your dick out and spin it like a Twister arrow while singing The Addams Family theme song, make sure you’re on the safe side of the street.

Trick or treat, bitches.

  1. Frobert The III

    Fuck you. You’re the guy who makes up all these cool stories about all the poon he’s smashed and all te drugs he’s done, when really your just a fucking people pleaser. Also, lingerie costumes are not whined about anywhere else, so dont ruin our fun you sorry bastard.

    9 years ago at 10:21 am
  2. TheFratCock

    What kind of monster would encourage girls to not wear lingerie? Halloween is like the one time of the year that’s acceptable, don’t take that way from slutty cats everywhere.

    9 years ago at 10:27 am
  3. TacBRO_Bell

    I’m going as a democrat this Halloween. I’m ganna go around taking candy from the kids trick-or-treating and give it to the ones who were too lazy to go.

    9 years ago at 10:38 am
      1. Bid Notice

        That’s exactly what he will tell the kids who get their candy the old-fashioned way.

        9 years ago at 10:55 am
    1. StayinSkool

      Or perhaps you take the candy and give it to disabled kids who physically can’t work to get their candy.. As the system is supposed to work

      9 years ago at 11:02 am
  4. NightriderNoisewater

    How exactly does one dress as “Donald Trump’s hair”? That’s just a stupid idea for a costume honestly.

    9 years ago at 10:41 am
  5. Dubya2016

    I’ll wear a fucking sombrero if I want to and it doesn’t have to automatically be deemed racist. So eat a dick you progressive ass hat

    9 years ago at 10:44 am
    1. Fratasaurus

      I’m dressing as a sombrero wearing, black face, cross dressing Native American Muslim-bomber with a pet goat and I expect the majority of liberals to die from over-offendedness.

      9 years ago at 12:03 pm
      1. Fratasaurus

        I’m also going to wave a confederate flag and hold a Bible. And no, that isn’t offensive to rednecks, but it’s scary to democrats.

        9 years ago at 12:08 pm
    1. Fratasaurus

      I dunno if I saw the Hildabeast in a dark room I would probably shit my britches

      9 years ago at 12:06 pm
      1. Fratticus.Finch

        Luckily you can scare old man Sanders by mentioning capitalism and the constitution.

        9 years ago at 9:33 pm
  6. The ATF Store

    We’re Building The Wall On the Wrong Border

    There is no question about the ever growing problem with America’s borders.
    The constant influx of plaid shirt and white knee height sock wearing cholos has been a hot topic issue for decades. Recently, Trump has added precious fuel to the fire. A fire that no amount of wall has been able to contain. While choloism, a term coined for this column, is a major problem there is an even bigger complication. An issue wider than Steve Holts anus diamater on a Monday morning. It’s the rampant problem of douche bag Canadians like Bieber or Polo_Mane sneaking down and invading America’s ecosystem.
    The damage caused by these miscreants is equally comparable to Hitler not being accepted into art school. At first, no big deal. No one cares about one loser who can’t color within the lines. But as time moves on, it breaks free from its maple syrup stained flannel cocoon and starts to blend in. That right there my friends, is as scary as being a blue eyed Polish jew in 1939. Like Steve Holt, it begins to assimilatate into our culture, copying and pasting our social cues, plagiarizing the shit out of our customs and eventually growing massively in numbers through asexual reproduction.
    Those vile creatures are to America what diarrhea is to butt sex, a disgusting way to ruin a camping trip.
    It’s already happening but it’s not too late to put them in a headlock and ruffle their mushroom cut hair (its the same tactic cirus handlers use to discipline their midgets). Be part of the solution, drive by Home Depot and pick up some supplies: two Jesuses, four Joses and about 5500 miles worth of fencing. As Trump would say, “Let’s make America great again.”

    9 years ago at 11:31 am
  7. Sultan Of Swat

    Positive pregnancy test? Not sure if there’s anything scarier than that…

    9 years ago at 11:45 am