DRINK “MUSCLE HOLOCAUST” AND GET YOKED YOU PUNY BITCH

muscleholocaust (1)

Hey bitch boy. Are you tired of looking like a little bitch? Then stop training like a little bitch. Bitch.

The crappy supplements you’re taking now are pathetic. No wonder Kimberly left you. Your fucking twig arms are gross.

You need something to get you hyped. Something that will make you want to straight up punish your body. One drop of this shit, and you’ll be ready to abuse your abs, rape your rectus femori, ostracize your obliques, and put your biceps through years of systemic genocide.

You need MUSCLE HOLOCAUST. *deafening sound of multiple explosions*

Each batch of Muscle Holocaust contains only the freshest of testosterone culled from the nut sacks of bulls, bull sharks, and NFL players with proven histories of domestic abuse. We throw that shit in a bowl, sweat into the bowl, then add a dozen raw eggs, 75 grams of caffeine, and just a hint of pesto. Next, the mixture is worked into a fine paste with John Cena’s bare hands, dumped into a bottle, screamed at by a Navy SEAL drill instructor, and locked in a room to be shown brutal snuff films for several hours.

The resulting concoction is something so violent, you’ll be ready to fucking assault the weight room.

We fed this shit to a test subject in a controlled weight room environment. After just one cup, 28-year-old Dom Rodriguez improved his bench by 100 pounds. Then he stood in one place and screamed for like two hours and ejaculated on the floor. Now that’s what you call gains!

With Muscle Holocaust, getting big is so easy. All you have to do is drink a fuckton of Muscle Holocaust and follow the official Muscle Holocaust workout:

– 5 X 10 bench press
– 5 X 30 squats
– 5 X 30 screaming
– 7 X 15 leg press

*10 minute rest/sobbing period*

– 5 X 30 bench press
– 4 X 10 seizures
– 5 X 30 sit-ups
– 1 X 1 punch scrawny kid who looked at you funny

*Fill weight room with water*

– 5 laps freestyle
– 5 laps backstroke
– 5 laps butterfly

You’ll be so yoked after using Muscle Holocaust, you won’t even care that your cock and balls have retreated so far inside of your body that your package looks like a pink button sitting on a patch of brown shag carpet.

But don’t take my word for it. Just listen to these testimonials from some of our happy, shredded customers!

“Muscle Holocaust gave me the confidence I needed to win over the girls of my dreams. Can you please leave my home now?” – Kevin Johnson, age 42

“It’s great. I was a bitch before. But now I am a man.” – Bobby Johnson, age 8

“Please. I’ll say anything you want. Just leave my son alone. I’m begging you.” – Kevin Johnson, age 42

“Kevin, I’m scared.” – Becky Johnson, age 40

“I know, honey. I know. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US YOU SICK FREAK!?” – Kevin Johnson, deceased

Muscle Holocaust is available in three delicious flavors: gasoline, raw meat, and fresh strawberry.

To get your own bottle of Muscle Holocaust, go to the corner of 5th and Rosewood and locate a metal door behind the 7-11. Knock on it three times. You will be greeted by a man named Stavi (be careful, Stavi gets a little handsy sometimes). Tell Stavi you want a number 7.

What are you waiting for? Become the muscle-bound hulk you always dreamed of becoming and buy Muscle Holocaust today. Do it, pussy. You won’t.

DISCLAIMER: Stavi is not responsible for any of the following side-effects, which may include but are not limited to: nausea, heart burn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea, thoughts of suicide, thoughts of setting off on a murderous rampage, anal bleeding, AIDS, hiccups, chapped testicles, hair growth on palms, hair growth on eye balls, death.

Image via Shutterstock

      1. FrayettevilleLegend

        Come on, pal. I can take the meathead jokes and the butt chugging jokes. I’ll even take the occasional skateboarder joke if I’m in the mood. But don’t throw this cuntbucket in with us. Too far.

        9 years ago at 10:30 pm
      2. ny fratstar 24

        Polo Mane, I hope that you have three beautiful daughters. And I hope that they love alcohol. And I hope that they really love boys. And I hope that you miss one or two of their ballet recitals at a young age.

        9 years ago at 11:38 pm
      3. Polo__Mane

        I hope ur mom has plan b because if she doesn’t looks like I’m gunna be your brothers dad in 9 months. TFM

        9 years ago at 8:05 am
      4. Chedda B 225

        It’s obvious you don’t belong here because you would have noticed my profile pic is my letters Sigma Alpha Mu. Dumbass

        9 years ago at 2:26 pm
      5. Polo__Mane

        Shut up pussy what does that even have to do with anything? Probably only let you into that frat because the school forced them to accept a disabled kid

        9 years ago at 5:41 pm
      6. Chedda B 225

        Wow bro you really told me. My days here at total frat move and as a Sammy are numbered. I concede to your superior wit and intellect. Truth is I just really wish I could be as cool as you and I’ve just been over-compensating by trolling this website.

        9 years ago at 1:07 pm
      7. Chedda B 225

        Nope I take it all back polo is Canadian and therefore doesn’t count. Go listen to Bryan Adams and choke on maple syrup. God hates you and you were adopted.

        9 years ago at 1:14 pm
      1. CommonSenseUSA

        Thank god! I didn’t think you meant it until i read it again and saw “I mean.” Thank you for clarifying!

        9 years ago at 6:23 pm
      2. CommonSenseUSA

        I’ll take my laps, thought it was funny too. In all seriousness ‘Polo_Mane’ gotta go.

        9 years ago at 11:25 pm
  1. ruizespieces

    Supposedly mixing this with bleach helps it react in your body faster. Looking at you Steve.

    9 years ago at 6:15 pm
  2. cleavage

    I read this entire article like a narrator to a shitty action movie preview. I suggest you do the same.

    9 years ago at 6:18 pm
      1. AlotInsideAmySchumer

        I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and he does interpretive ice dances of my life’s journey.

        9 years ago at 7:32 pm
      2. Barry__McCockiner

        Really? I always thought he’d be performing the lead vocals to Lynyrd Skynyrd with like, an all angel band and I’m in the front row, hammered.

        9 years ago at 3:20 am
    1. AmericanFratopia

      I read it like Dom Mazzetti, with repeated sounds of guns shooting in the background

      9 years ago at 8:04 pm
  3. TheGator

    Well done. You guys should do a crossfit/go ruck/warrior dash parody sometime.

    9 years ago at 6:25 pm